


Ever-changing

by BelWatson



Category: GOT7
Genre: Fluff, Hate to Love, Love/Hate, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-25
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-07-18 02:08:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 48,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7295263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BelWatson/pseuds/BelWatson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Did you two get in a fight?” BamBam asked after seeing the way they reacted, how it was icy cold one it was call “Cut!”</p><p>“No,” Jackson shrugged. “We’re not that close to get in a fight.”</p><p>The Thai boy was clearly confused, because as everyone else, he thought Mark and Jackson were the closest two. Evidently, it wasn’t like that.</p><p>After BamBam, the same question was asked by Youngjae, and Yugyeom, Jinyoung and Jaebum. The answer was always the same: “We are not close.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 01

**Author's Note:**

> New story! I'm trying a different thing, playing with the love-hate relationship and temporal lines. I hope you enjoy, please leave a comment or kudos if you liked. Maybe both if you really did!
> 
> Bel, xx

       

 

 

        His hand against the wall, firmly pressed and his body leaning closer, eye gleaming with challenge and excitement. Jackson’s heart is beating wildly, but he doesn’t want to show it, he has too much pride to let Mark know how his proximity has turned his heartbeat into a roar in his ears, that his whole body is tingling. No, Jackson is controlling himself and trying his best to look unfazed, as if nothing is happening and that the fact Mark Tuan is invading his personal space while doing a wall trap is insignificant.

 Mark smirks, leaning a bit closer but Jackson doesn’t even blink, in fact he lifts his chin, challenging the older back.

Dark eyes dart to Jackson’s lips for three heartbeats before they are back, locked with the younger’s and then Mark whispers: “What if I kiss you now?”

Jackson tries to remember how they got to that moment, when things changed so much to the point he doesn’t mind if Mark kisses him. No, scratch that, Jackson _wants_ Mark to kiss him, like now. 

It’s almost impossible to pinpoint when their dynamic changed, perhaps it began when they were told to be close.

◦ ◦ ◦

When they were all trainees, they got along but at the end of the day, everyone was the other’s enemy. They were all competing for the same thing: debuting. For Jackson, every other trainee was someone he had to defeat, someone he had to surpass to become the best. He had sacrificed so much to accomplish the dream of becoming an idol, he couldn’t be lousy. He had left behind his life and future as a fencer, his family was left back in Hong Kong and he had come, all alone, to follow his dream.

Jackson was a social person, he befriended them easily and had fun with everyone, although he also had many issues trying to learn the social norms and such, not to mention the language. However, even if they became friends, they were also people Jackson couldn’t take for granted and relax. Being friends didn’t mean they would go easy on him.

JYPE was a company who brought many foreigns, so Jackson wasn’t the only one struggling with Korean, there were other kids like him. Mark Tuan was a bit older than Jackson, from LA so they had English in common. At first, that was why they got close, because they could communicate and Mark, just like Jackson, didn’t feel confident with his Korean so it was a relief and a breath of fresh air being able to communicate without getting a headache.

But Mark and Jackson were pole opposites. While Jackson was loud and social and obnoxious, Mark was quiet, observant and calm. Not that Mark couldn’t be loud and hyper, but that wasn’t how he normally acted with people he didn’t know, like Jackson did. 

At first, they were happy to be put in the same group together to debut, but with them came other five boys and like that, they realised they had more in common with other members. Jackson got on famously with BamBam, also Jinyoung and Jaebum. Mark clearly felt more comfortable with Jinyoung so, naturally, Jackson and Mark grew apart, even if the others didn’t notice it or minded. The two boys were made to share rooms because everyone assumed they were the closest two. 

They weren’t _that_ close.

Upon debuting, fans also assumed they were the closest just because they got on, but Jackson got on with everyone, the only difference was that Jackson made Mark become louder, more hyped. They weren’t the best friends everyone thought.

Yet…

They were told they had to make everyone believe they were the closest. Fan service, was the proper name for what they had to do. Interact, touch each other, have almost kisses and such, just to make the fans scream and feed their wild imaginations.

Okay, that wasn’t that hard. They didn’t hate each other, they had fun together they just were… so different. But they could do it.

And they did.

Hugged, held hands, kissed each other’s cheeks, cuddled and more, just for the cameras and the fans. Once they were at the dorms, they barely talked to the other, or acknowledged the other’s presence aside from saying: “Turn off the light” and “Good night.”

At first it was okay, Jackson didn’t really mind what they had to do. After a while, it got tedious. It got annoying how they kept being told to be close, because the Markson ship was a fan favourite. So they were forced to continue acting as the closest two when they weren’t.

And there it is where the resentment started to grow.

Logically, Jackson knows he didn’t resent Mark, his problem was with how they were forced to be closer than they were, to push the situation to limits that were unreal. But he could only take it on Mark.

As soon as the cameras were off, once the shooting was over, Jackson’s face fell and he could only glare at Mark, stepping away immediately and mumbling to himself. Mark only shrugged and walked away, minding his own business.

“Did you two get in a fight?” BamBam asked after seeing the way they reacted, how it was icy cold one it was call “Cut!”

“No,” Jackson shrugged. “We’re not that close to get in a fight.”

The Thai boy was clearly confused, because as everyone else, he thought Mark and Jackson were the closest two. Evidently, it wasn’t like that.

After BamBam, the same question was asked by Youngjae, and Yugyeom, Jinyoung and Jaebum. The answer was always the same: “We are not close.”

And because everyone thought they were and when they weren’t on each other’s space they couldn’t stop asking about it, irritating Jackson to no end, so his resentment only grew stronger to the point he couldn’t stand Mark anymore and wanted to do anything to stop the Markson ship. He didn’t want to pretend being close, he didn’t want to be pushed to that. He was closer to BamBam. Why weren’t they told to promote that? Weren’t there Jackbam shippers who wanted to be happy, too?

And because Jackson was so frustrated and no, he wasn’t always loud laughter and obnoxious, he started to be _mean_. And because Mark wasn’t shy or weak, he didn’t just take it. Although quiet, Mark was a grownup man who knew how to stand for himself and who wouldn’t take Jackson’s shit.

“Well done, _Markie-Pooh_ ,” Jackson mumbled with a smirk after Mark failed a flip.

It was a bad fail, it was just… lame. It didn’t have the grace and elegance Mark’s tricks normally had. Anyone who saw that would think Jackson was comforting Mark for failing at accomplish the flip, but it wasn’t that. The irony was dripping in his voice, the look in his eyes was mocking and Mark knew it.

The older froze and his eyes went hard and cold, glaring at Jackson before he controlled his expression and smiled, although it was tense and fake.

“Thanks,” Mark smiled. “Maybe you should try it instead me next time.”

Jackson was about to say maybe he should, and would do it better, but Mark walked up to him, aiming to past him by, but stopped and leaned into his ear to whisper: “Oh right, you can’t really do it. How many different flips can you do?” Only silence was the response, time in which Jackson tensed, balling fists by his side. “One? Two? Hmm,  no wonder why you’re not told to do this and even if I fail, I’m still the flying boy.”

And like that, Mark walked past Jackson who felt his rage coming like tsunami waves, wanting to say something, fight back but they were being watched so he couldn’t show his true colours. He couldn’t shout back and tell Mark what he really thought, because Markson shippers were watching. So Jackson had to take deep breaths and smile, pretending Mark hadn’t insulted him back but instead said something sweet and caring.

Without noticing it, Jackson and Mark started to hate each other, trying to insult and belittle the other without the audience noticing it, and once the lights went off, they wouldn’t even look at the other.

That was the reality of their situation, that was what truly happened behind the cameras. 

So how on Earth had they ended up with Mark cornering Jackson, his lips brushing the younger’s and Jackson wanting the older to kiss him senseless? When had things changed? But above all, did Jackson really care at that point?

No, he didn’t care. He just wanted to taste Mark’s lips, so he wraps his hand around the older’s neck and closes the distance between their mouths.


	2. 02

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I should’ve done that so long ago,” Mark whispers, his eyes darker, pupils blown and lips kiss swollen. Jackson can only stare at his lips, even if all of Mark’s face is distracting. “I definitely wanted to.”

       

Mark’s lips are full and warm, a bit rough like the kiss, but Jackson does not mind at all. The young finds himself admitting he likes Mark’s lips so very much and wouldn’t want to part from them any time soon, if ever. All what Jackson can do is kiss the older back, pulling him a bit closer until their bodies are completely pressed against one another.

Jackson feels like there’s fire under his skin and soon he’ll just combust, every single part of him feels alive and buzzing. It’s like every cell in his body is screaming Mark’s name, a chanting that takes over his heartbeat and suddenly that’s all what the younger can hear.

_Mark. Mark. Mark. Mark…_

They are so close, but it’s not enough, Jackson want’s the other boy even closer, even if that is not physically possible. However, there was a time when all he wanted was for Mark to go back to LA or anywhere across the world, where they wouldn’t even have a chance to meet.

How long ago had that been?

◦ ◦ ◦ 

“Look what you fucking dog did again!” Jackson shouted, throwing his now unusable new pair of trainers at Mark’s bed. The _fucking dog_ , as Jackson referred to Coco in his fit of anger, was startled and ran away, knowing she had done wrong.

She hadn’t only chewed his expensive new pair of trainers, she had also puked in one and peed in the other, because why not? Because Jackson hadn’t spent thousands of thousands wons in that limited edition pair of trainers.

Mark laughed, his shoulders shaking with amusement and the fit of chuckles as he just stared at the shoe on his bed.

“Your dog peed on that one! And puked in this other!” Jackson continued, throwing the other shoe at Mark, landing on the older’s lap.

At least he stopped laughing to grimace and push the shoe aside, but when he looked at Jackson the smirk came back which told the younger the other boy wasn’t in the slightest sorry about what his dog had done. Obviously, that only infuriated Jackson further.

“That’s what I call karma,” Mark mumbled. “And I don't know why you bring these here. You should’ve thrown them away. A wash won’t fix them.”

Outraged, Jackson threw his arms in the air and paced from side to side, doing his best not to slaughter Mark in that exact moment.

“Your dog did this, you fix it,” Jackson let out through gritted teeth, taking deep and controlled breaths not to do anything that would jeopardise his job. 

“You want me to throw them away? Fine,” Mark continued and his sarcasm was definitely not appreciated. It was making things worse. “But for the record, don’t be an idiot and leave your new sparkly shoes where Coco can reach them. You know she hates you.”

Mark grabbed the pair of trainers and left the mat, clearly heading for the door, barely touching the shoes and still grimacing, but ultimately leaving. Jackson stayed behind, clenching his fists so tightly the knuckles went white and steam was probably coming out of his ears. He felt like he was boiling and would explode any moment now.

Jackson could bet his life fortune that Mark taught Coco to always attack Jackson’s belongings. His clothes, shoes, hats, even his plants. Anything she could reach, it was something Jackson could say goodbye to. Youngjae at least was apologetic and offered to pay back for the damage, but Jackson told him time and time again it wasn’t necessary. However Mark, that annoying and insufferable boy, only smirked and made Jackson even more pissed. The older never apologised or offered to pay back, which made Jackson want to force him to pay.

Mark definitely enjoyed seeing Jackson suffer, which made him a sick sadist Jackson couldn’t stand anymore. But the younger didn’t want to ruin his life with a murder so the best thing was if Mark left because Jackson was going nowhere any time soon. He had given up enough to be where he was, if someone had to leave it was Mark. Jackson prayed Mark would miss home too much and decide he couldn’t be part of GOT7 anymore.

“Why are two of you fighting again?” Jaebum asked, coming in through the open door and into the room, where Jackson was pacing, trying to cool down.

“Coco ruined my new pair of trainers!” Jackson screamed, not angry at the leader but just so annoyed. “And Mark just laughs!”

“Jinjja?” the leader asked, brow slightly furrowed. “But I just saw him scolding Coco as I came here.”

Jackson stopped pacing just to stare at Jaebum as if the leader had grown a second head, the younger was even gaping because he couldn’t believe that.

“Are you sure he wasn’t encouraging Coco to destroy something else?” Jackson asked. In his mind the image of Mark congratulating and encouraging Coco to keep behaving that way made a lot more sense than what Jaebum had mentioned. 

“I’m sure,” Jaebum insisted. “Coco was whining because she was being scolded. You know how dogs are when they have being caught doing wrong, and Mark was using English because he was angry.”

Jackson blinked as his mouth hung open, trying to imagine what Jaebum described but his brain just failed at conjuring such scene.

“No, you heard wrong because Mark was speaking in English,” the younger concluded, turning on his heels and walking away and trying not to think of Mark scolding Coco for what she had done.

“Whatever, believe what you want right now but seriously, you two need to stop this. You can’t stop fighting lately and it’s affecting the whole group. And no, I won’t allow you to change rooms because of this. You figure your shit and overcome your differences, or I swear I’m talking to hyung-nim.”

Jackson took a sharp breath in, his whole body tense again at the ultimatum. JY Park was like a father figure to Jackson, someone who had sheltered him and encouraged him, someone he really admired and he didn’t want to upset the man or get scolded.

It was all Mark’s fault!

“We can’t get along, hyung! It’s just… only seeing his face makes me want to strangle him. My guts twist when we have to shoot and act like we’re close,” Jackson tried to explain their leader but Jaebum didn’t look sympathetic, at all.

“Well, you better put your differences aside and stop fighting. It makes us all uncomfortable to be around you and soon the fans will pick on it.” 

Jackson took another sharp breath, knowing Jaebum was right and dreading that. If the fans found out the closeness of _Markson_ was nothing but fake they’d be so disappointed. They’d feel like they had been lied to and wouldn’t trust any of the boys anymore. They’d think they were all fake, just like an other fabricated idol. But that was wrong.

Granted, GOT7 had their stage personas and each one had a role, but they were as close to their real personalities as possible so it would always feel natural and smooth for the fans. So they wouldn’t feel like they were faking the whole time and could form honest relationships, letting the fans get to know them as the people they tulle were.

Jackson wouldn’t endure if he disappointed the fans and made them doubt them all. But the idea of trying to get along with Mark, honestly, made all the hairs in his body stand up. If they actually stopped fighting then people around would start pushing them closer and closer… again. After the members had finally understood they weren’t close and they didn’t even stomach each other they had started to get between them and enhance other ships, but if Mark and Jackson put their differences aside, then the other members would stop coming in between. The younger was finally feeling a bit free from the _Markson_ chains and didn’t want to go there.

“You know what to do,” Jaebum declared one more time, severe and resolved. Jackson knew that tone of voice, the _leader voice_ that left no room for complaint, so the younger sucked in a breath, held it and nodded his head, but his whole body was still tense.

How was he supposed to put their differences aside when he couldn’t face Mark without wanting to punch him? When all his rage and frustration was aimed at the older? 

It was impossible.

Or that Jackson thought until not too long ago, but somehow along the way, in their process to at least lessen the tension between them, they turned it the other way around and now all the younger wants is for Mark to get closer, to keep kissing him.

Jackson even whines when Mark pulls away. Somehow while they were making out the younger’s hands ended on Mark’s hips, keeping him against his own body.

“I should’ve done that so long ago,” Mark whispers, his eyes darker, pupils blown and lips kiss swollen. Jackson can only stare at his lips, even if all of Mark’s face is distracting. “I definitely wanted to.”

“Hmmm,” Jackson hums, not really processing what Mark is saying, too focused on the older’s mouth and coming to the conclusion he’s already addicted to its taste. “Again,” Jackson mumbles, chewing on his own bottom lip.

He can hear Mark’s chuckles, he feels the way his chest resonates with the vibrations of this and it makes a shiver go down Jackson’s spine.

Luckily, Mark kisses him again but this time it isn’t rough or desperate, it’s a calm kiss, as if they had all the time in the world to explore each other and find the best angle. It’s a kiss that despite losing in intensity still makes the younger’s toes curl and hold on to Mark even tighter.

Crazy how things change, uh?

 


	3. 03

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "For the first time Jackson considered that perhaps he was the problem, or at least the one who had a problem with Mark. If he thought about it, it was Jackson the one who struck first, who attacked Mark and the older just fought back, to the point he was always on defensive mode now."

        **I** f someone walked in and caught them making out like this, Jackson wouldn’t know what to say. However, he’d be more pissed because someone is interrupting them. In all honesty, he’d punch anyone who makes Mark pull away and break the kiss because that’s the last thing the younger wants.

Having Mark’s hand on the back of his neck while the other arm is still pinned against the wall, his slim body tightly pressed to Jackson’s, how his own hands bury in the layers of fabric of Mark’s humongous hoodie, wanting to tear it apart. If the younger is using too much strength as he hugs Mark, the older doesn’t complain, instead, he just kisses Jackson harder.

At some point Mark gives Jackson a chance to catch his breath but that does not mean he’s stepping back, on the contrary, the older is now spreading soft, slow and warm kisses across the younger’s jaw and stopping for a while in the crook behind his ear. Jackson shivers when he feels Mark’s teeth scrapping his skin before the older decides to spread more kisses on his neck.

Jackson’s head is spinning and he remembers how not too long ago Mark still could make him feel out of breath and shaken, although not for the same reason as right now. If the younger is honest with himself, he likes this dynamic a lot better.

◦ ◦ ◦ 

With Jaebum’s ultimatum to start to sort out his differences with Mark, Jackson was in a bad mood. He knew he had to do something, but has no clue what he could do. It wasn’t like he could just start being nice to Mark, that would be weird and would make the older suspicious. Furthermore, there were limits for everything that not even Jackson could reach, no matter what. 

Perhaps he should just talk to Mark and call a truce.

But that had to be his decision! Jaebum didn’t need to push him to Mark although Jackson had to give the leader points, knowing exactly how to push the younger. He was aware that if he didn’t manage to set a truce with Mark, their leader would keep pushing them together just to punish Jackson for being a coward.

That was how now they always ended sitting next to the other on the van wherever they were heading to, which made Jackson sulk the whole ride facing the windows and ignoring everyone else around. The more reason to use those rides to catch up on some sleep, but it was quite uncomfortable when his head was resting on the vibrating window and he jumped and hit himself every time they went over a bump in the road.

So terribly painful.

Yet he still managed to sleep, giving his back to Mark and pretending no one was around. However, more than once he woke up resting on the older’s shoulder. And every time Jackson jumped with a start, watching in horror what he had done during his sleep. Mark roused with his shriek of surprise, blinked a few times and stared at him like asking why he was making a fuss, then shook his head and just ignored Jackson, as if nothing had happened. 

Once, the younger woke up on Mark’s shoulder, but not only that, Mark was also sleeping with his head on top of Jackson’s and in his hand was on one of Jackson’s, warm and covered, sheltered in his own lap. Every other time he assumed he was the one who leaned against Mark because the window was too painful, but it wasn’t likely that in his sleep he forced Mark to grab his hand. It wasn’t like Jackson was holding the older’s hand, that he had reached out for it; it was the other way around.

The younger watched how Mark’s hand kept hold of his hand, his long and slender fingers securely around Jackson’s rougher ones, and to Jackson’s surprise, he didn’t hate the contact. Granted, he was used to the high levels of skinship with all the members, but normally he reacted negatively to Mark’s touch. In that occasion, he only felt warm.

Until he looked up and found Jinyoung staring at them with a knowing grin. Jackson froze as if he had been caught doing something wrong.

“Did you know that every time you fall asleep against the window it’s Mark hyung the one who leads your head to rest on his shoulder? Every time,” Jinyoung commented, making emphasis on the _every time_ part.

Jackson was confused. Why would Mark do anything for Jackson’s sake when they were being forced to be friendly? If anything, Jackson only expected the older to laugh every time he hit his head when the van went over a bump. It was what he normally did every time Jackson’s clumsiness got him to hurt himself.

The younger thought back, wondering if Mark had ever shown such kindness before, and once Jackson looked back for instances of similar behaviour he realised things he hadn’t before. Like how, without saying a word, Mark always left a water bottle near Jackson, or threw a cold towel against his face when he was too sweaty for eating spicy food. Jackson had always thought Mark was just either just teasing him or not even noticing him there. He never stayed to see Jackson’s reaction or said anything about it, so the younger always ended up grimacing and making faces to Mark’s back while still making use of what the older left behind.

Carefully and a bit confused, Jackson moved from under Mark’s head and leaned back, trying to sit straighter but the older’s body followed him, now resting his head on the younger’s shoulder, kind of cuddling up to him and his hand tightening around Jackson’s. A content sigh escaped Mark’s lips and Jackson just stared in shock, blinking and no word coming out of his mouth, something unprecedented because, normally, there was no one who could make Jackson shut up.

For the first time Jackson considered that perhaps he was the problem, or at least the one who had a problem with Mark. If he thought about it, it was Jackson the one who struck first, who attacked Mark and the older just fought back, to the point he was always on defensive mode now.

Perhaps, that was why Jaebum had talked to him, gave the ultimatum to Jackson and not the two of them. Perhaps Mark didn’t hate him as Jackson thought he did and he was the only one with bitter feelings.

_No_ , another part of him interrupted. _Mark is always looking down on you, with that sardonic smirk as if telling you that you’re not good enough. He enjoys your suffering. He’s a bloody sadist!_

That was true. Mark always burst out laughing whenever Jackson got hurt, like smashing his finger or tripping, not really serious things. When those injuries happened, Mark was always awfully silent and left the room uncommonly fast. But when it was something silly, Mark always had that high-pitched laughing fit, typical of his that made Jackson stare astonished at the older, deeply offended as well. 

No, it just wasn’t possible that Mark didn’t have any sort of bitter feeling. The older wasn’t a kid who could get caught in Jackson’s game. If he didn't hate the younger, then he would just ignore him instead of fighting back. Mark wouldn’t lose his time if he didn’t also hate Jackson or at least strongly disliked him.

Whatever possessed Mark to be kind was probably pity, even he wasn’t a total sadist and wouldn’t let Jackson get a concussion or something. So he didn’t think about that any further and just went back to sleep, with his head on top of Mark’s and their hands still together. 

In retrospective, Jackson should’ve realised back then that Mark didn’t hate him, that there was something there. That Mark was kind because he cared, not because he pitied Jackson. If he had, then the make out session they are having would’ve happened a lot sooner and right now the younger regrets he’s been missing this for so long.

Although, as much as Jackson enjoys Mark’s mouth on his neck, he wants to kiss him again so he pushes the older just slightly, enough to make him pull apart and before this can ask what’s wrong, Jackson is making them turn until Mark is against the wall and he’s the one kissing the other member roughly, hungrily. He can feel Mark’s smirk, though, but doesn’t mind, just like he doesn’t mind how the older wraps his arms loosely around Jackson’s neck as his own hands are firmly pressed on Mark’s back, keeping him close as he devours his mouth.

Jackson really prays no one will come in their room and find them like this. He wouldn’t know how to explain the current situation.

Should he lock the room?

No, that would mean pulling apart. Praying will have to be enough, because there’s no way Jackson is breaking the kiss unless forced to. He’ll deal with the consequences later, when he has the head to think about something else aside from Mark’s lips on his, the warm of his body, the feel of his slender fingers on Jackson’s hair. 

Once his head is functional again he’ll think about what it means to be kissing his band mate and what he’s going to do after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Soon the temporal lines will catch up and we'll see what happens after this making out session.


	4. 04

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The older turned around ever so slowly, a frown on his forehead and a look in his eyes that screamed confusion and shock. Disbelief twisted his lips in a grimace as he stared back at the younger but he didn’t move closer.
> 
> “Hate you?” Mark echoed, brow creased and nose scrunched up in the most puzzled expression. “I don’t hate you.”

       There are three new things Jackson learns about Mark with the unfolding events.

One: Mark is a good kisser. And Jackson means that: a _really_ good kisser, the type that makes your head spin and think movies don’t exaggerate because a kiss can be magical.

Two: Mark is addictive. His lips, his tongue and the taste of his mouth, even the shape of it makes Jackson consider him as a drug he’s trying for the first time and suddenly he just wants more and more. He wants to continue feeling like this forever.

Three: Jackson really read Mark wrong before, because with the way he’s kissing the younger now it’s evident there’s never been anything but want from the older. This kiss speaks of frustration and longing and finally granted wishes.

Slowly, the kiss finds a new pace, not as frantic, not as desperate but careful and almost melancholic. It is as if Mark knows this is all he has and now that he can see past the frenzy of the first touch of lips, past the adrenalin of finally kissing, past the heat of the argument, he now realises this won’t last long so he should enjoy it. He should memorise it, burn it in his brain and seal it there for ever.

The kiss suddenly tastes like sadness and Jackson doesn’t know what to do. He wants the fire, the desperation as they cling on to each other. He doesn’t want to taste resignation and gloom in Mark’s lips, or feel the goodbye in his hands.

Why is it changing?

So Jackson presses harder against Mark, practically grinding and tries to deepen the kiss even more, he tries to rekindle the fire, and although the older replies there is still that lingering sadness in the way his lips move.

Jackson tries to think back of Mark looking at him with the same sadness and resignation, and actually he finds those times. It was the same time he started to get confused.

◦ ◦ ◦ 

Jackson was avoiding Mark, which things considered, was better than bickering all the time. However, that didn’t mean Jackson was doing better because after Jinyoung had dropped that bomb he was now hyper-aware of Mark’s actions. Did he do anything kind to Jackson? Did he even look at Jackson differently?

Jackson wanted to know if he was judging Mark wrong. If his certainty that the hatred was mutual was wrong and misplaced. He didn’t really _hate_ Mark and wasn’t sure when the resentment and frustration because of what he had to do had turned in such a dark and angry feeling.

Trying to sort things out and clear things up was time consuming and exhausting, it required a lot of thinking and mental strain, so Jackson worked out even harder to keep a focused mind. He practised harder, he exercised for longer and pushed his body to the limit. 

The idol watched his reflection with critical and stern eyes, way past after his band mates had left, judging himself until he reached the precision that was needed. Lately, he had monitored some of their performances and noticed his movements were lazy, poorly executed and far as sharp as they used to and should be. He knew it was because he was tired with all his schedules and such, but their routines should come as second nature to him so why was he so sloppy?

Hence, he practised even more so the movements would flow naturally and perfectly, one after the other as if he didn’t have to put effort to execute them as they should. He repeated and repeated until he didn’t have to will his elbow to be at the same level of his shoulder when he popped, until his legs weren’t just fast but also on the right angle.

Like that, he also avoided overthinking of the eldest member of GOT7 and whether Jackson was being unfair and mean. He knew he was being like that before, but it made him awfully guilty thinking about his behaviour if he was the only one with irrational and groundless hatred in his guts. If Mark didn’t feel like that then that made Jackson a terrible person.

Perhaps, that was why Jackson fought so hard against trying to see if Mark actually hated him, because he didn't want to find out the truth.

Exhausted, after hours of practice, Jackson laid down on the floor of the room, panting and with eyes closed, throwing his forearm over them to block some light. His throat was dry and he was dying for some water but couldn’t be bothered to move and get one of the bottles aligned by the mirrors. He just kept lying there.

Eventually, the boy dozed off and the sweat that pearled his skin before cooled down, drying on him and making him cold, but he still couldn’t bother to get a towel or his hoodie.

But then he felt something covering him, trying to keep him warm and sheltered from his own recklessness. Then there was a thud next to him, like something being placed next to his head.

Finally, he peeled the arm off his eyes to look up and found Mark Tuan standing by his side, watching him. The older looked surprised when their eyes met, as if he didn’t expect to get caught like this, but soon he schooled his expression into a neutral and disinterested one.

“You’re going to get sick if you stay like this and fall asleep,” Mark mentioned offhandedly. “Don’t be irresponsible, you’ll only drag us down with you if you get sick.”

With that, Mark turned on his heels and started to walk away. Jackson bolted upright, following the older with his eyes and noticing what was covering him was his own hoodie he had discarded before. With his hand he smacked and made a water bottle fall, alerting him of its presence. Had Mark put it there _for_ him?

“Why are you doing this?” Jackson asked before Mark could leave the room.

The older stopped but didn’t turn around, yet he didn’t make an attempt to keep moving either.

“If you get sick and can’t perform, it only makes it harder for all of us who have to fill the empty spot you leave,” Mark answered in a cold and nonchalant tone.

“No, I mean why are you even caring whether I get sick or not if you hate me?” Jackson cleared up, staring at Mark’s back as if there he could read the answers like in a text book.

The older turned around ever so slowly, a frown on his forehead and a look in his eyes that screamed confusion and shock. Disbelief twisted his lips in a grimace as he stared back at the younger but he didn’t move closer.

“Hate you?” Mark echoed, brow creased and nose scrunched up in the most puzzled expression. “I don’t hate you.”

“Then why do you always fight me back?” Jackson wanted to ask why he always looked like he enjoyed Jackson’s misery, why he said hurtful things that struck Jackson right where it hurt the most.

Mark’s expression changed, becoming stoney and impossible to read. His creased brow straightened as his grimace turned into a fine and tight line only. His shoulders rounded in defeat and resignation. Jackson couldn’t be sure but it almost seemed as if Mark was disappointed.

“Regardless of how I feel about you, I won’t let you step on me and bully me because you don’t know how to channel your own frustration,” Mark spoke, his voice cold and so unlike him. “I’m not going to let you use me as your punching bag, Jackson.”

The younger gulped because there it was, the confirmation that Mark was only defending himself and showing Jackson he wasn’t going to take his crap. Granted, the older was the quiet type who never said much but that didn’t make him a pushover.

And with the confirmation came the guilt, rushing over and knocking the air out of Jackson’s lungs.

The apology that should’ve left his lips got stuck in his throat and he only stared at Mark whose expression only darkened. The older’s eyes kept Jackson glued to his spot and there was judgment there, but there was also clear disappointment now, the younger could see it. Mark expected Jackson to admit he had been a dick for so long and the least he could do was saying he was sorry, but no words came out of the younger.

Mark sighed, giving up on Jackson and any decent behaviour. Shaking his head, Mark turned around again and in that occasion he did leave the room while Jackson continued staring, the words becoming a lump in his throat that didn’t allow him to breathe.

That was when Jackson learned he was a gigantic dick and deserved Mark to hate him. He had always known the older wasn’t the one to blame for how things were, he was as much of a puppet as Jackson was. Instead of finding an ally, the younger had created an enemy.

He was the biggest asshole ever.

And it was a surprise Mark didn’t hate him, not even after acting like that for long or not even apologising when he should’ve done it. Despite all that, Mark continued showing little acts of kindness and thoughtfulness whilst Jackson could not utter a simple ‘I’m sorry.’

And now Mark is kissing Jackson, changing in the way he holds on to the younger in an almost reverent manner, as if he is scared that this isn’t really happening and the boy in his arms will fade away. How can Mark forgive him and be like this after the way Jackson has acted? And how can Jackson be so shameless as to get lost in the euphoria of making out with Mark?

Contrary to what he felt at some point, Jackson is the one who breaks the kiss, pulling back to look at Mark again, trying to examine him and find exactly what the older is feeling, but this only smiles at Jackson, sadly and resigned.

Without a word, Mark nods and pulls closer but not for a kiss, instead he just hugs Jackson, his face in the crook of the younger’s neck as he calms his breathing. Jackson does the same and just like that time when he saw the disappointment in Mark’s eyes, he struggles to let the words out that he knows he should say.

_I’m sorry._

It isn’t hard. Just two words but these keep evading Jackson no matter how deeply regretful he feels, he just can’t apologise to Mark.

Why is he like this?


	5. 05

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson’s arms are still around Mark, keeping him close and warm and they’ve been at that for around ten minutes already. No words have been uttered, the silence embracing them as tightly as each other’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the long wait, I was too busy with my new job and juggling my time with my other job and yeah, life is hard. Anyhow, chapter 5 and 6 were done for so long so I hope I can post the next one very soon.

Jackson’s arms are still around Mark, keeping him close and warm and they’ve been at that for around ten minutes already. No words have been uttered, the silence embracing them as tightly as each other’s arms. Jackson’s head makes a tornado, hurricane, typhoon and earthquake partying together look like a kid’s game. Confused doesn’t begin to describe what he’s feeling because he’s far past that stage. He was confused when Mark kissed him, shocked when he himself kissed the older back. 

Now he’s just a mess.

Because he can’t begin to sort out his thoughts or feelings, Jackson just holds on to Mark. Although slim and maybe too boney, Mark is warm and comfortable against Jackson’s body. The younger has always been more resentful towards Mark because their height difference but in this moment he can’t find in him the will to care because they just _fit_ so well. It’s like that difference was carefully created for this moment, so hugging each other, hiding their faces in the other’s neck could feel so natural and perfect.

And now Jackson is being sappy.

However, he can’t his thoughts and how his body reacts to Mark’s proximity. If Jackson is being honest, there’s always been a strong response to Mark’s touch. The only difference is that in the past that reaction was negative and Jackson just assumed it was rejection to being near the older. Now the feeling is quite different because the younger wants nothing more than staying like this.

About Mark, it’s always been different. The electricity was always there, leaving him on his toes, raging. After every broadcast where they had to act all mushy, Jackson could still feel Mark’s touch ghosting over his skin for hours later. That was why he was so annoyed once they were done, because he could _still_ feel Mark’s long and boney fingers on his arm, or the nape of his neck.

Jackson remembers the time when the touch stopped leaving him annoyed and disgusted, and it started to make him confused, hyperaware. It was actually, really recently.

◦ ◦ ◦  

After realising how big of a dick Jackson had been, he kept himself as far away from Mark as possible. Being in his proximity made him feel like he _had_ to apologise —he actually had— but he was unable to utter the words, which made him feel even shittier, which made him grumpy and annoyed with himself. It was all like a domino effect, so the only way to stop the cause-effect situation was avoiding the cause of his struggles: Mark.

But that was easier said than done because they roomed together and where in the same group and they were still encouraged to interact and promote the _Markson_ ship. Yes, it was totally difficult to avoid Mark but Jackson tried damn hard. 

Instead of snarky comments or deadly glares after a broadcast or any public appearance, Jackson just squirmed away and put all the other five members between them as a protective shield. He spent even more time with BamBam, babying him and going out to eat and such, being so open about the brotherly relationship because the Thai boy could make Jackson feel less shitty about himself and have a good time. BamBam could actually keep up with him or even exhaust Jackson by the end of the day, which was great because when he was able to go to bed, he could just fall asleep and ignore the other member in the room.

Jackson also started to take on more schedules. Anything to keep him busy, as if their new oncoming comeback wasn’t enough to exhaust him.

Most definitely, Jackson was pushing himself to the limit which was so hypocritical of him who insisted so much on everyone else looking after their health. In Jackson’s defence, he was looking after his _mental health_.

Regardless of his packed agenda with schedules in both China and Korea, he still had to be in the same room as Mark, interact with him and act like everything was the same.

But it wasn’t. 

Jackson was consumed by guilt every time he looked at Mark, thinking back of all the times he insulted, attacked and tried to break Mark, but the boy was in front of him, smiling, giving him his full attention while Jackson spoke, as if the younger was the sun of the older’s days. Jackson felt terrible and envious that Mark could act like that while Jackson was a mess of emotions, guilt tainting them all.

When Mark touched him during their public appearances Jackson couldn’t help jerking with a start. The older’s hand was always heavy and so warm it burned Jackson’s skin and made him feel breathless, and even after Mark pulled his hand away, the younger could still feel those long fingers, the soft touch, the warmth of them ghosting over his skin.

It was most excruciating.

Mark, of course, noticed the change in Jackson and how he was acting like a scared puppy after being hit by a cruel and unworthy owner. Consequently, Jackson saw the hurt in Mark’s eyes because, obviously, he hadn’t done such a thing to Jackson. With the younger’s end of insults and attacks, Mark didn’t need to fight back which meant he hadn’t said or done anything hurtful to Jackson. It was obvious the older was confused with Jackson’s new behaviour, having trouble to adjust to this new dynamic.

In all honesty, it was Jackson just being a coward and a little shit. He didn’t want to choke on his guilt but he didn’t have the guts to apologise and he was too proud to do so. Which was odd, he normally had no trouble apologising for his wrongdoings, accepting his fault and trying to improve and never do the same again. But when it came to Mark it was just so hard to do the right thing, to come to terms with the older and call a truce. 

Why? Jackson had no idea.

But Mark wanted to know what had changed this time. The older tried approaching Jackson many times, asking for a few minutes to talk but Jackson always refused and escaped, finding every possible excuse to avoid the older. 

If there was something Jackson was good at was giving his all to anything he was focusing on, whether it was fencing or training… or avoiding Mark. He never half-assed anything and with the practice came expertise, making Jackson even better at avoiding the older until this gave up.

That was how Mark was. He’d tried to understand or do something, but if this proved pointless and just a waste of time, he gave up and moved on. Mark didn’t dwell on things for long, shrugging off whatever was wrong and carrying on.

Or that was how Mark normally was but apparently he wouldn’t do the same with Jackson playing chicken. 

That was how Jackson had been ambushed by Jinyoung who had told him to get his jacket because they were going out. Well, not exactly like that. Jinyoung had guilty-tripped Jackson to take him out for a meal and Jackson had agreed too easily when he realises it gave him a good opportunity to stay away from Mark.

What Jackson hadn’t known was that Mark was waiting in the room and the moment the younger walked in, the older locked the door and stood in front of it, arms folded and meaningful look in his eyes. Jackson gulped, realising that the look on Mark’s eye meant this time Jackson wouldn’t be able to run away and avoid the confrontation.

“First, you try to make me your punching bag. Then you absolutely turn to hate my guts and now you avoid me like the plague,” Mark summarised, his tone cold and low, evidently fed up. “Would you be kind enough to explain what got up your arse this time? Because I fail at figuring it out now.”

Jackson fidgeted, looking everywhere, trying to find a route of escape but Mark was blocking the only way and if he tackled the older to get out, then it would only prove there was something going on and he’d have to explain for sure, not only to Mark but everyone.

Jackson really didn’t want that.

“Nothing got up my arse,” Jackson replied. “Are you actually complaining that I’m not attacking you anymore? I thought you’d be happy about that.” The younger tried to play it off as if it was nothing but his kindness and him getting over whatever was wrong before.

“Actually no. It’s better when you’re hating on me,” Mark replied, stunning Jackson but the older looked far from worried or flustered. “At least then you’re acknowledging me instead of treating me as if I wasn’t worth your time.”

Jackson blinked, taken aback with the new information as a new wave of guilt hit his insides. The younger hated that feeling so much, struggling with it for months now.

“Wow, I knew you were a sadist but I didn’t know you were also a masochist,” Jackson commented with venom in his voice, surprising no only Mark but himself.

Why was he back at the snarky remarks, looking at Mark with disdain when instead he should be apologising for channeling his frustration on him? Seriously, what was wrong with Jackson?

“Jackson,” Mark called, a warning and also a plea, but the younger ignored it and settled for grabbing what he had gone in there to get: his jacket. 

“If you excuse me, Jinyoung is waiting for me so—”

“No, he’s not,” Mark stated coldly. “He was just helping me out. He’s gone already and I won’t let you get out until you tell me what’s wrong this time!” The older continued, his voice getting louder, more annoyed.

“You can’t keep me here!” Jackson shouted, stepping forward threateningly, but Mark didn’t flinch, if anything he only stood straighter and squared his shoulders to face Jackson.

“Like you can’t keep me trying to figure out what you’ll come up with next! You think it’s easy for me? Dealing with your mood changes like this? With all the shit you throw at me?” The older demanded, also stepping forward, his eyes accusing Jackson of so much struggle and pain.

Guilt was the worse feeling of all, and Jackson hated he taste of it in his mouth. It was so bitter and heavy, and the way Mark was staring at him only made the taste stronger.

“You treat me like shit and then ignore me. What is next?” Mark continued, fists balled at his sides and breathing a bit heavier.

“I don’t owe you explanations,” Jackson shrugged off Mark’s complaints, wanting to get rid of the guilt and just leave that room. Leave Mark. His presence was too conflictive, it made Jackson nervous and anxious, it made him look back on everything he had done and said, making him feel worse with himself.

Mark consumed his thoughts and only guilt was left, and Jackson was so done with that. He just wanted some peace and because he seemed incapable of apologising, he could only run.

So he walked past Mark, resolved to leave the room and go whenever he needed. The gym was a good option. But the younger didn’t make it to the door before the older grabbed his wrist, using the momentum of the pull to make Jackson spin one-eighty degrees before he pushed the younger against the wall, trapping him there not only with his hands but also his glare.

“Yes, you do!” Mark growled. “I’m done with you playing like this. I actually don’t deserve any of this shit so you better tell me what’s so wrong with me that you can even treat me like a human being unless you’re forced to!”

Guilt kept choking Jackson with the new accusations, knowing they were real.

“Ugh! It’s you, you are the whole problem!” Jackson screamed. “It’s because you’re you that I’m told to be close to you, because you act like you worship the ground I’m standing on so I’m forced to do the same. Because you look so happy when we’re in front of the camera, with your eyes sparkling and that dashing smile, so fucking perfect it’s bloody annoying,” Jackson ranted, shaking with frustration and annoyance. “Because you touch me and my skin crawls and I actually feel something and that’s so annoying, how every hair stands up when you’re close. And my heart races with dread when you get so close, scaring the living days out of me because I think you’re going to kiss me. I don’t want to feel like that! You make me choke with so many emotions and I hate that!” Jackson continued, conveniently leaving behind how the predominant emotion was guilt, but putting out there big part of what was and had always been wrong.

If Mark wasn’t Mark, if Jackson had been forced to be close with anyone else it wouldn’t have been that bad. But the older always made shivers go down his spine and his proximity always affected Jackson. The younger couldn’t just ignore the touches, or having Mark so close like when he whispered in Jackson’s ear. Jackson couldn’t just feel like it was nothing, as it was the case with any of the others; there was something always bugging Jackson and he blamed it all on Mark, because he was Mark.

If Mark didn’t make Jackson react that way, they wouldn’t be in this situation.

Mark looked at him with big eyes, blinking quickly as he processed the words and Jackson was panting, all his own emotions leaving him raw while he was still trapped against the wall with Mark so close.

And there it was again, _that_ annoying reacting to the older’s proximity. His whole body started to buzz and his nerve endings seamed to want to reach out for Mark. It was so annoying how his skin crawled, making Jackson feel so uncomfortable because he didn’t know what to do with himself.

Then, Mark’s expression changed, his head tilting just a little bit as he got closer and examined Jackson in a new light, a new glint in his eyes. That made Jackson gulp but he held Mark’s gaze, stubbornly.

“You know,” Mark began, his voice lost all the anger and frustration from before, sounding velvety and coaxing now. “You sound like someone who hasn’t realised he has a crush yet—” Jackson snorted and rolled his eyes at such absurdity. “—And is terribly handling his emotions.”

“Please, that couldn’t be more wrong,” Jackson huffed, but when his eyes met Mark’s again his heart skipped a beat because there was an intensity that left the younger breathless. 

Mark got closer, pressing his hand to the wall and caging Jackson there, always looking into his eyes as he reduced the space and challenged the younger. To what? Jackson didn’t know, but his eyes had an incredulous look as if asking Jackson if he was sure about that. It also looked as if Mark was ready to prove Jackson wrong.

And Jackson was proved he was reading Mark well when this whispered: “What if I kiss you now?”

And yes, that was exactly the moment everything changed, when Jackson’s emotions got so mixed up and impossible to control that he ended up initiating the kiss and fiercely holding on to Mark.

Now he’s the one pinning Mark against the wall whilst still hugging him, breathing in the scent of the older, but the situation isn’t any clearer than it was before. If anything, everything is more complicated because now Jackson considers that, perhaps, Mark was right about the crush thing because why else would the younger kiss Mark? But his mind rejects that idea, finding it just impossible.

Then what is happening to him? Why is he still holding Mark and dreading the moment they finally break free from each other? Why is he so scared of what he might figure out later?

 _Ugh_ , Jackson groans in his head. Things got just a lot more complicated.


	6. 06

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been so busy that I haven't been able to post before, even if the chapter was written. Finally, this week, I have some free time and I'm making use of it. I hope you enjoy this update!

Without a word, Mark pulls away from Jackson’s embrace, pushing the younger so there can be some room between them. Jackson is reluctant and it’s like his body is protesting, wanting to be wrapped in Mark’s warmth again but he doesn’t step forward. Instead, the younger keeps his eyes downcast, his heart beating wildly because he can’t look in Mark’s eyes when he doesn’t know what to say, how to feel or what to do now.

The younger feels Mark’s eyes on him, intent and heavy, and it’s quite nerve-wracking, it makes Jackson’s skin crawl again, as if Mark’s fingers were running all over Jackson’s skin. It’s most disconcerting. 

“You still won’t tell me why,” Mark mutters and it’s not a question. Jackson feels the older’s stare on him, coaxing him to look back at him, but Jackson fights that call and continues staring at his feet. “Don’t avoid me, Jackson.”

The vulnerability in Mark’s voice and plea make Jackson’s feel weak, his chest constricts and the lump in his throats grows tighter and larger, making it hard for the younger to breathe. Finally, he looks up and meets Mark’s dark eyes that are consumed by grief and resignation. 

Stronger than guilt, Jackson feels worry and some unsettling desperation at Mark’s expression. There’s this crazy impulse in his guts pushing him to comfort Mark, to make that hurt look disappear. The older has never looked at Jackson like this, like he’s about to shatter. Mark always looked fierce, strong and ready to hit whatever ball Jackson threw at him. Mark never looked scared or nervous in front of Jackson and that look is doing all sort of things to Jackson.

“I’m sure this doesn’t mean anything to you,” Mark continues, holding Jackson’s gaze. “And I guess I’m grateful that you aren’t grossed out or punched me for this.” There’s a sad and humourless chuckle from Mark’s lips when he looks down, breaking the eye contact. “Just don’t ignore me. It’s better if we pretend nothing of this happened. I know we’re not friends but… just don’t ignore me.”

Jackson never imagined how much he was hurting Mark with his avoidance, but now, hearing the older asking so many times for Jackson not to ignore him is only proof that indeed the younger deeply hurt the older with his actions. So now the remorse is back full force and Jackson feels out of breath. Instinctively, he takes a step forward, but Mark leans back, bumping against the wall and with that stopping him. Now all he has left is wrapping his own arms around himself in a self-protective manner.

Mark bites his lips together before taking one last look at Jackson and this is a look the younger will never forget because it strikes him and wounds him too deeply. Seeing Mark with such sadness in his dark eyes, the most broken smile when he looks at Jackson and tilts his head in a weak bow before turning around and heading for the door. The younger stays where he is standing, staring at the place where Mark was just seconds before, as if he couldn’t understand what just happened.

Well, Jackson doesn’t understand.

Moreover, Jackson’s own emotions are so chaotic he can’t even being to sort them out. The confusion clouds his mind and it’s hard picking apart the guilt from the other ones. And it’s not only that, because his body now longs for something, a warmth and strength it only lasted briefly. He feels cold and empty somehow, as if there’s too much room for himself and he doesn’t know what to do with that.

Overcome with the strength of his own emotions, Jackson sinks in a crouch, his arms wrapping around his own head, burying himself, letting hell break loose. The poor boy has no clue what to make out of what just happened, he can barely think about the fact Mark and he made out because he’s tormented with the older’s hurt expression. A part of his brain suggests Mark has feelings, romantic feelings for Jackson, but his rational side says it cannot be possible, why would he when Jackson has been the most gigantic arse out there? Yet, the possibility is there and the younger never imagined how _that_ could make his heart race even faster and harder. 

What if it’s true? What if Mark actually likes Jackson like that and that’s why he looked so heartbroken? Why he kissed Jackson like that—even if it was Jackson who pulled first but Mark clearly kissed back—, pouring all this burning passion in it?

Jackson’s heart soars and suddenly he can’t keep his balance, falling on his bum while his eyes widen in shock at the possibility. No, he mumbles in his head, how could Mark feel like that? And if so, since when? Why? How?

No, it makes no sense. It’s impossible and worse of all, Jackson is afraid that it might be true because then, what does he do? Does he reject Mark? But they are part of the same group? 

 _Does I even want to reject Mark?_ His mind asks, startling Jackson with the sudden of the question.

Well, Jackson has to reject Mark if he doesn’t feel the same, it’s the logical answer.

 _To have to reject and to want to reject are not the same_ , his minds point out, really unhelpful because Jackson now is so much more confused. And why is he even considering rejecting Mark?! It’s not like the older confessed.

This is far too much for Jackson and he can’t put order in his head, and it’s all Mark’s fault.  Why did Mark have to say that? And make Jackson want to kiss him? Why did he have to get so close and mess with his head?

 _You sound like someone who hasn’t realised he has a crush yet._  

Mark’s words echo in his head and Jackson growls, frustrated. No, he does not have a crush on Mark, he is only annoyed with the older. Sure, Mark is the most handsome idol out there, with his perfect smile and laughter, the bright and gleeful eyes, the striking perfect hair even when he just wakes up, the plum and always pink lips that are so sweet and soft…

So what if Mark is incredibly handsome and makes everyone question their sexuality because they should be Mark orientated? Mark is still annoying with his sweet and caring personality, kind and quiet but also so cute when he’s hyper and giggly, or when there’s that glint of mischief in his eyes. He can be so cute one moment and then he’s all sex appeal and then mischief and he shines brighter than morning sunshine and—

“Oh fuck.” Jackson mutters. He does sound like a boy with a crush who hasn’t realised it yet. But the younger convinces himself it’s because Mark suggested it that he’s thinking like that, because they just made out.

And now Jackson’s mind is once again tackled with the memories of kissing Mark, the feel of their bodies against each other, the taste of his tongue, the strength of his hands on Jackson’s back. The memory is overwhelming and intoxicating and now Jackson is breathless again.

But how could he have a crush and not realise? That’s just stupid.

Yet, he continues going back and forth with the possibilities, recalling what happened and not getting anywhere until the door opens. For a fleeting second his heart jumps, thinking it’s Mark again and Jackson denies he’s hopeful or excited about it, but he can’t deny the disappointment when he sees it’s Jaebum the one walking in, finding Jackson still on the floor and looking disheveled and lost.

“Are you okay?” Jaebum asks, offering a hand for Jackson to help him back on his feet.

“I’m not sure,” Jackson replies. “I feel like I’m having an existential crisis.”

“Does it have anything to do with Mark?” The leader asks and Jackson can’t help flinching at the mention of their eldest’s name. “He called Jinyoung a while ago, sounding really distressed and Jinyoung left with such a worried expression. I don’t know what happened but it looked serious and now I find you here as if you lost the meaning of life.”

For a second Jackson thinks that’s quite how he feels, but then realises it’s not quite like that. He’s lost and extremely confused, but it isn't that terrible.

“Is Mark okay?” Jackson asks instead and can see the way Jaebum raises his eyebrows in surprise. Jackson doesn’t have a history of worrying about Mark or asking about him, especially the past few months where he’s been all about avoiding the older.

“I don’t know, I haven’t see him. Mind telling me what happened?” Jaebum asks then, clearing trying to figure out if he should step in and mediate between the two or leave them to sort it out on their own.

“I don’t really know what happened,” Jackson replies honestly. “We were arguing and then… then things got heated and then sad. I think I hurt him but I’m not sure how exactly. I mean, I know I’ve hurt him before and I still haven’t apologised for that, which makes me a giant dick and I don’t appreciate that so I’m angry with him for making me be like this, but he’s hurt in a new way and it’s making me all angsty because I don’t understand why he’s so hurt and it hurts me, like my chest hurts when I recall the way he looked at me…” Jackson can’t continue speaking simply because he runs out of air and Jaebum looks incredibly confused and like he understood forty percent of what Jackson mumbled. “I think we need to talk but everything is a mess in my head so if we talk it’s going to get worse, won’t it?”

“I think he won’t understand a thing you say,” Jaebum inputs. “But perhaps you should just apologise for now if you’ve realised you did wrong. And by the way, Mark isn’t the one making you be this way, it’s you. I’ve tried telling you before to stop this childish war and just grow up, but you’re a stubborn one.”

“Look who’s talking,” Jackson mutters but Jaebum’s stern expression makes him bow and apologise immediately.

See? Why is it so easy to apologise to others but not to Mark? Jackson doesn’t get it and it’s seriously giving him a migraine.

“When Mark and Jinyoung are back, talk to him,” Jaebum suggests. “And by talk I mean just apologise. Talk about whatever else there’s there later, when your head is clear.”

“When is that going to be? I swear I can’t understand my thoughts myself!”

“Well, I’m sure when you get out of your chest the guilt you’ll be able to sort your thoughts out better so handle that first, okay?” Jaebum’s hand lands on Jackson’s shoulder, comforting and encouraging, which is exactly what Jackson needs.

He steps closer to their leader, demanding for cuddles because he feels just so lost and needs comfort and reassurance. A bit reluctant but resigned at the end, Jaebum hugs Jackson back, patting the younger’s back in a comforting manner. It’s nice, it’s always nice to cuddle with his friends but as Jackson is embraced by Jaebum, he can’t help comparing it with hugging Mark, and not like when they play for the cameras, but like the hug the shared before. So tight, so warm, so sad… Jaebum is strong and steady, but Jackson isn’t satisfied and he finds himself wanting Mark to be the one wrapping his arms around Jackson’s frame.

 _Ugh_ , Jackson groans in his head. He’s clearly lost his mind, wanting to hug Mark not because they are told to but because it feels right, because he feels the need to.

What did Mark do to him? Why is he now this bundle of confusing emotions and needs? But most importantly, how is Jackson supposed to figure things out and solve this mess he is in now?

It’s all Mark’s fault.


	7. 07

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, enjoy the chapter (:

Gathering the courage to properly apologise to Mark takes Jackson three whole days. During those days he finds many excuses not to approach the older, although he makes sure not to ignore him. Still, it’s so damn awkward Jackson feels he can choke on the feeling. He can’t look at Mark without recalling the kiss or without his mind becoming a victim of a tornado of feelings.

When no one is paying attention, Jackson’s eyes follow Mark, as if seeing him for the first time. The quiet grace with which the older moves, especially when he dances. Jackson is particularly mesmerised when Mark does a flip, flying for a second and looking ethereal. Every time Jackson gets lost staring at Mark he has to scold himself, reminding himself that he does not have a crush and staring is for people with feelings. He’s a mess, but he does not have _romantic_ feelings for the older, just regret and confusion.

Mark acts as if nothing happened. He does not follow or even talks to Jackson unless necessary, and when he does it is no different from before. Anyone watching wouldn’t be able to tell about what happened in their room and Jackson feels offended, not because Mark is acting as if nothing happened but because he can’t do the same. 

Or that he tells himself.

Jackson has noticed, however, how Jinyoung is always near Mark, being overly touchy and always claiming the spot next to the older. They have always been close, but either Jackson is more aware of their closeness or something actually happened that has Jinyoung worried and all over Mark. Perhaps it’s both.

Actually, Jinyoung is another reason why Jackson hasn’t been able to properly talk to Mark, as the younger singer is always around and once they are done with whatever schedule, he always takes Mark away. Not that Jackson has tried to stop him but still, it’s Jinyoung who has kept Mark away.

Yes, Jackson is aware that is a lame ass excuse.

This time Jinyoung is busy, Jaebum demanding his time and attention so Mark is busy himself playing on his mobile phone and no one else is paying attention to him. Youngjae is following and goofing around with BamBam and Yugyeom, which leaves Mark completely available for a talk.

Jackson still stalls for other ten minutes before finally taking a deep breath and approaching the older.

“Mark, do you have a minute?” Jackson asks, hoping his cheeks are not blushed because he feel quite flustered.

Mark looks up, surprised that it’s Jackson approaching and that he is using a civil tone, already used to the sharp and venomous tongue the younger has always used.

“Oh?”

“Please? In private? I promise it won’t be more than ten minutes,” Jackson insists. If he already approached Mark he better make sure to be done with it now. He can’t do this twice.

Mark eyes him suspiciously for another couple of heartbeats before he shrugs, shoving the phone inside his pocket and raising to his feet to stand in front of Jackson. This is the closest they’ve been since that event three days prior and Jackson’s heart is racing, nervous. But he schools himself to stay calm and nods his head before leading the way to another room, away from the other members who don’t really notice the two idols leaving.

Mark is silent as he follows Jackson a few steps behind and that makes the younger more nervous because he can feel the older’s eyes on his back and it makes him hyperaware. It’s most uncomfortable, but Jackson doesn’t snap and continues walking, up stairs until they reach the rooftop. It should be good enough and without anyone to interrupt them. Once there, Jackson turns around to face Mark who stands still, waiting. His expression is blank but patient, and if he is curious, he doesn’t show it. Jackson, on the other hand, feels so anxious and like he’ll get sick any minute now.

After a deep breath and trying to organise his thoughts once again, Jackson utters the first word. Over the days he’s rehearsed the words, saying them out loud and even consulting Jaebum to make sure they are good enough to apologise to their hyung. Jaebum said it was enough though Jackson could do better. Well, enough would have to work.

“I’m sorry,” Jackson finally says, the words leaving him make him weak, but at the same time it’s like something unclogged inside of him and now everything is pouring out. 

Mark shows the first reaction, raising one eyebrow but not uttering a word.

“I’m really sorry for the way I’ve been acting all this time. For insulting you and bullying you. For giving you a hard time. For ignoring you. Basically, I’m sorry for hurting you when you didn’t deserve it. I’ve been a giant dick and I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but saying I’ve realised my mistakes and I  regret my behaviour is the least I can do.”

Jackson finishes and takes a deep breath, feeling oddly a bit lighter. He’s finally said the words, he’s properly apologised regardless of the outcome. The guilt for not saying sorry finally leaves and now he only struggles with the guilt of mistreating Mark for so long.

“Are you really sorry?” Mark asks softly, tilting his head slightly.

“Yes,” Jackson confirms. “I honestly didn’t think I was hurting you. I know, stupid of me, but it’s the truth. I thought we both hated each other and it was just war.”

“I never hated you,” Mark states coldly and Jackson feels his guts twisting. He has to look away because he doesn’t know how to look at Mark after that.

“Oh,” Jackson mumbles, taking deep breaths before continuing. “I am sorry, Mark. I know I was just misdirecting my frustration and I shouldn’t have treated you like that. I’m sorry I ignored you last time.”

“Was it really that hard for you? Having to be close to me and act like we were friends?”

Jackson eyes Mark for a few seconds, not missing the vulnerability that crosses the older’s features for a fraction, awakening in Jackson an urge to protect Mark so he’ll never be scared. Instead, Jackson shakes his head to himself and tries to look for the words.

“At first it wasn’t but then we were forced. I hated to feel like we were lying to everyone because we weren’t as close as we made people believe, so I hated being made into a liar. I wasn’t brought up to be like that,” Jackson explains and can see Mark nodding. “So it became really hard having to lie to everyone when all I wanted to do was being honest. I’ve always wanted people to like me for me and not a painted and fabricated image. I know it’s impossible but I’ve always tried to be as transparent as possible.”

“I know,” Mark mumbles, a heavy and meaningful gaze pinning Jackson to his spot, making the younger gulp because the stare is just too intense. 

“So it was hard and infuriating, but I couldn’t do anything about it because no matter how much I complained, they didn’t care and forced me to keep lying.” 

It’s the first time they actually talk about the situation, like two grownup men and Jackson realises it isn’t hard to talk to Mark. The older is so quiet and gives the younger his full attention, making Jackson feel like he’s saying the most important thing on the world. Mark looks at him as if nothing else mattered aside from what Jackson is saying, and that makes the latter feel actually important.

“Didn’t you consider actually becoming friends so it would stop being a lie?” Mark suggests in a whisper and Jackson only blinks, staring at the other as if he just told him the secret of eternal youth.

Jackson shakes his head, dismissing the idea as soon as it came.

“It wouldn’t have been possible,” the younger mutters and as he is looking at Mark this time, he can actually see how his words hurt Mark. The older looks away, trying to conceal the emotion and Jackson feels another new pang of guilt. “I mean, it would’ve been impossible to be as close as they made us look like, so it would’ve been lying nonetheless.”

“How do you know?” challenges Mark. “You never really tried.”

“How could we be that close, Mark?” Jackson asks, his tone sad and resigned. “We are pole opposite.”

“I don’t think we are that different,” the older mumbles, looking down and not actually addressing Jackson, but the younger still hears them and furrows his brow in confusion.

“We haven’t got on since the beginning,” Jackson reminds Mark but sees the older shaking his head.

“You didn’t hate me at first, we actually got along, remember?”

Barely. Jackson knows there was a time when they were somehow friends, but not really close, but Jackson is friendly with everyone, having no problem making friends so he doesn’t think that time with Mark was actually significant. Mark can’t possibly think otherwise.

“So? It’s not like it’s going to change now,” Jackson deadpans, but Mark looks at him with a new emotion, fierce and a bit angry.

“How do you know? We haven’t actually tried to get along and now you’re just closed to the possibility.”

“What? Do you want to be my friend?” Jackson laughs at the possibility. Why would Mark want that after all Jackson has done?

“Yes,” Mark replies seriously, causing Jackson to choke on his own spit and staring wide-eyed at the older. “I think that’d be better and even if it can’t make the lie a truth, it makes it less of a big fat lie.”

Jackson blinks, flabbergasted and at loss of words. Mark looks flustered so he looks away while Jackson takes that time to put himself together. 

Befriending Mark? That sounds ridiculous, especially after all that’s happened, but Mark is right, it would make the lie less horrible and closer to reality.

“Can we even be friends, Mark?” Jackson asks, not knowing exactly why he feels still somewhat reluctant to that.

The older looks back at him and his expression isn’t the one of someone who is confident about his idea, he looks as hesitant as Jackson is, as if he didn’t fully like the option either. Still, Mark squares his shoulders and takes a deep breath.

“I think it’s better than what we are doing now,” Mark concedes and Jackson nods faintly.

“Friends,” Jackson mumbles, trying the word and trying to picture applying that to Mark and himself, but it doesn’t feel right and he can’t tell why he feels like that. “Just friends… I guess we can try.”

When Jackson meets Mark’s eyes, these are dark and his gaze’s heavy. The younger actually sees Mark gulping and like preparing himself for a long battle ahead. For someone who suggested to be friends he looks quite wary of the idea.

As a sign to be willing to improve the situation, Jackson holds up his hand. Mark eyes it with suspicion but eventually takes it. Jackson expects just a friendly handshake, instead he is pulled against Mark until their bodies collide. Before his brain processes what is happening, Mark’s other arm is around him, hugging him tight. His own body moves on its own, accommodating to Mark, stepping closer, wrapping his arms around the slim waist and hugging the older back. Jackson feels the other boy relaxing before he hugs him tighter, burying his face in Jackson’s neck and breathing in deeply. 

_Friends hug_ , Jackson tells himself. _This is totally normal, it’s a sign we are trying to become friends._

It’s normally that Jackson feels warm and so comfortable, that the awkwardness is replaced with a sense of rightness and that he enjoys Mark’s scent in his nostrils. It just means Mark smells nice and he is good at giving hugs. It’s totally normal that he's enjoying the hug so much and doesn’t want to pull away.

Or that Jackson tells himself.


	8. 08

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do hope you enjoy the chapter.

If someone tells Jackson Mark and him have been hugging for ten minutes, he’d say that person is lying. It’s impossible that it’s been so long because it feels like only two heartbeats have gone by when Mark pulls away, somewhat reluctant but definitely breaking the embrace. Jackson’s arms linger around the older rapper a bit longer, his hands sliding across the boy’s sides, resting on his hips for just a breath before they put some more distance between them. 

When Jackson meets Mark’s eyes he doesn’t miss the longing he sees in the older’s gaze, which leaves him breathless. But Mark controls his expression faster than Jackson can react and soon he’s smiling with lips tightly pressed together before he raises a hand to ruffle Jackson’s hair in such a fond gesture.

“That wasn’t that hard, was it?” Mark asks but for a second Jackson is too surprised to answer, he just stares at Mark. He’s trying to act casually, but there’s a tension to which the younger can’t be oblivious, there’s an edge in Mark’s voice and movements.

“Oh,” Jackson affirms absentmindedly. 

“You know what? As an offering for this new agreement, let’s go have dinner together. My treat,” Mark proposes. “Meat,” he specifies a second later with a more natural smile.

“You have to tell Jinyoung you’re the one buying or he’ll get all pissy again,” Jackson replies, causing Mark to laugh heartily.

Mark’s laughter has always been high-pitched and contagious, loud and just so cute. It’s probably why everyone loves his laughter and the fact that it’s just so loud, it makes everyone pay attention to the older and smile fondly at him. This time Jackson can’t help himself or the pride he feels in his guts for making Mark laugh without anyone staging it. This is completely real.

“I’ll take care of that, just make sure to leave space for me in your tight agenda.”

Jackson gives Mark the OK sing and a big smile, to which the older replies with a wider one, infinitely fonder. This is the first time Jackson realises and witnesses that Mark has never had any negative feelings towards him, that Mark has always had the best disposition and if he had tried before they could’ve avoided so many bad moments. If Jackson had tried to get along with Mark instead of attack him then things would’ve been a lot different. Mark wouldn’t have fought back, instead he would’ve just smiled like he is doing now, warmly and happily. However, Mark’s eyes still have a tint of sadness.

“Let’s go so we can continue rehearsing,” Mark speaks then, his expression becoming more neutral by he throws an arm around Jackson’s arms, his hand squeezing the younger’s shoulder before he starts leading the way.

While they walk, Jackson is surprised to find himself not minding the contact. With a more accepting attitude and the best intention to solve their differences and try to become friends, Jackson can feel at ease next to Mark. The older, despite being so slim, is so comfortable and warm and he feels so nice next to Jackson.

Jackson knows Mark is the affectionate type, in a reassuring way. He’s seen how he’s always wrapping hands around the other’s arms or napes, with a light squeeze as if telling them ‘it’s okay.’ Now, as they walk together the younger assumes Mark will be like that with him too, casually running his hand down Jackson’s arms, or holding him by the back of his neck, maybe wrapping his arms out of the blue.

His guts twist in anticipation and there’s a tingly feeling in his chest.

It’s odd how Mark’s proximity used to be such a dreadful thing before, making Jackson’s skin crawl whereas now it only fills the younger’s stomach with warmth. Perhaps it’s because they’ve made out.

And with that thought, his mind is filled with the memory of said kiss and it’s almost as if it’s happening now, the weight of Mark’s hand on his shoulder so similar to the way he held the younger that day. The warmth of that slim body so close but not quite yet. 

The taste.

Mark’s lips tasted like something Jackson never tried before and it would be a lie if Jackson said he hasn’t tried to figure out exactly what that kiss tasted like. His lips were sweet like strawberries but not quite, his tongue like honey but not exactly like that because it was also cool like mint but no, that’s not accurate enough.

Jackson is so lost in the memory of the kiss, getting distracted in technicalities that he doesn’t realise when they make it back to the rehearsing room, with Mark’s arm still around his shoulder and—when did Jackson wrap his own arm around Mark’s waist? 

Evidently, he isn’t the only one surprised when the two rappers make it to the room, the most surprised being Jinyoung, gaping at them. Jaebum only raises one eyebrow while Youngjae literally cheers and throws his arms in the air.

“Hyungs made up! Finally!” the ball of sunshine sings, loudly, happily and excitedly.

“It only took them over two years,” Yugyeom comments sarcastically, but he is smiling and looking happy, just like the other member in that maknae line.

“BamBam was considering locking you two in a room until you made up,” Youngjae confessed, throwing BamBam in to the spotlight, causing Jackson to gasp and glare at the Thai boy.

“Or made out, whatever happened first” Yugyeom joked but Jackson still blushed tomato red.

However, that wasn’t that important as fact Mark did tense next to Jackson, squeezing a bit tighter his shoulder and looking at the older for just a brief second, his eyes saying he was also thinking about that day and the way they indeed made out.

“Okay, that’s enough,” Jaebum calls then, breaking the eye contact and stepping in before the maknaes decided to tease their hyungs some more. “You were like twenty minutes away so that was longer than the expected break. Back to work.”

And like that Jackson and Mark pull apart and go to their positions to continue the rehearsal. Jackson feels incredibly better, being able to dance and put everything he’s got into every move. Incredibly, apologising to Mark and finally getting rid of that guilt—or partially, at least—has left him feeling lighter and more able to concentrate. When his gaze lands on Mark he doesn’t feel like choking anymore because, even if the older didn’t say it, he forgave Jackson. Despite the younger being a gigantic idiot, Mark is the bigger person and has left that behind to offer Jackson the chance to turn the big lie they sell into something closer to reality instead of the other way around.

Jackson still thinks they can’t become friends, at least not like the others. Mark and Jinyoung are clearly really close friends, like he and BamBam are, and Jackson actually loves all his members enormously. The only one who was different, the only one who awoke other emotions was Mark.

There’s something in Jackson’s guts telling him he won’t be able to regard Mark in the same light he does the other members. The older will never be a close friend or a loved dongsaeng, someone Jackson feels the need to protect and guide, mostly because Mark is the eldest. 

After two years of a complicated and conflictive relationship, Jackson has no clue what they can accomplish. But if the younger is being honest he’d have to admit he’s tired of fighting and hurting Mark. He doesn’t want to feel that guilt again and is willing to give this a chance, even if it’ll most likely fail.

That is why Jackson ends up going to eat with Mark once their rehearsal is over and they are free to wash up and go home. But it’s quite chilly as it’s fairly late and Jackson is just wearing his tank top and a hoodie that does little to protect him from the breeze.

Mark notices the way Jackson shivers when they step outside the building so when they are in the taxi, Mark pulls over his thick hoodie and then the long sleeved tee just to hand the latter to Jackson. The younger looks at the garment as if he couldn’t understand why it’s on his lap.

“Put that on,” Mark instructs, getting back inside his hoodie. He has another tee under, always wearing more layers than Jackson. “You’re cold.”

Jackson is surprised and stares at Mark with wide eyes, but the older just shrugs and acts as if nothing. It’s not that weird to share clothes, he’s done that with the other members, it’s just that he’s never received something one of the guys had been previously wearing before.

Still, Jackson puts on the long sleeved tee and then his hoodie. The clothing Mark lent him is warm and soft and it smells like Mark, the mix between his cologne and that scent that it’s purely Mark Tuan.

Jackson chuckles at the sweater paws that form. Mark is barely a few centimetres taller but definitely less built, being probably underweight while Jackson is built and with broader shoulders, yet the tee is still giant on him and he laughs that Mark wears clothes that are always two or three sizes larger than his.

When the taxi stops, Jackson just follows Mark, not knowing exactly where they are going but not minding, yet to make conversation, he asks about it and hears Mark tell him the story how Jinyoung and him found this place a while ago.

“It’s small and kind of hidden, but I swear it sells the best rice soup you’ll ever taste,” Mark promises, leading the way up where the taxi couldn’t take them. 

It’s not a long, but Jackson make sure to make more questions until they are inside the shop and are guided to a secluded and small table. Aside from the rice soup, Mark asks for loads of meat, surprising Jackson because these are exactly what he normally asks for and what enjoys best.

Once the ahjumma who took their orders is gone, the awkward silence is back and it takes a while for Jackson to actually break the silence. The conversation starts when he confesses what he worries about their next comeback and the pressure of this. While he speaks fast and excitedly, Mark is calmer with longer pauses to put his thoughts together. Then the food arrives and it becomes the conversation topic as Jackson can’t stop praising everything he tries. Mark smiles happily the whole time.

After that the conversation flows more normally, although Jackson does most of the talking yet Mark always looks so interested, making precise inputs here and there that prove to the younger that the older is completely listening to him.

To Jackson’s surprise, dinner goes better than he expected. The awkward silence was just at the beginning and as he started to relax, it was easier to just talk. He would be like he always is, saying whatever comes to his mind, acting like a kid most of the time but also making serious questions and wanting honest answers. He makes Mark laugh a lot and finds in the older someone who doesn’t just answer to give in and make Jackson drop the topic, he actually thinks about it and gives his honest opinion, whether it’s about Jackson keeping his hair blonde or insisting on having a change.

When they go back it’s in a good mood and talking animatedly, although it’s evident they are really tired, especially Mark. He listens and is interested in whatever Jackson is saying but on their ride back to their dorm, he starts dozing off and ultimately resting his head on Jackson’s shoulder, falling asleep there. The younger is surprised but can’t find in him the will to push Mark or wake him up, instead he just keeps his mouth shut and lets Mark sleep on his shoulder while he stares at the night view blur outside the window. Mark has done this many times for Jackson, and now it’s the younger’s time to give back.

With a few more minutes to get home, Jackson realises that perhaps it won’t be that hard becoming friends with Mark, and it certainly won’t be an exhausting or frustrating as fighting was.

_Hmm_ , Jackson thinks. _Perhaps I should’ve done this long time ago. It would’ve been a lot easier and nicer._

Good thing that now they’ve left the war zone and have called truce.


	9. 09

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I received comments of people who actually wait for this story and it made me so happy so here I am, updating again! Please, enjoy and let me know your thoughts. I'm gonna get working on the next one right now.

“Mark, hey, Mark,” Jackson calls softly, his hand gently tapping the older’s cheek while the taxi driver waits. Jackson paid already but he doesn’t want to be too sudden. “We’re home, wake up, please.”

Mark winces and scrunches up, kind of pulling closer to Jackson and refusing to wake up. The younger’s heart actually races at that, the adorable expression that his band mate is wearing and how he wraps an arm around Jackson’s waist, basically using the other rapper as a teddy bear.

“Mark, wake up,” Jackson insists, giving the taxi driver one apologetic look.

If Mark doesn’t wake up, he’ll have to drag him, because using drastic measures, apparently, isn’t an option anymore. Three months ago Jackson wouldn’t have allowed this to happen and would’ve woken the older up with a punch or something. Now he’s being the gentlest one.

“I don’t wanna,” Mark mumbles, snuggling closer to Jackson, his nose buried in the younger’s neck. “Five more minutes.”

“If you get moving, you can sleeping in your bed,” Jackson tries again, going for bargaining this time but Mark only whines. “Come on.”

Carefully, Jackson moves from under Mark’s head and that works better because the older unconsciously follows Jackson, as if not ready to leave the comfortable position and the warmth the younger provides. With that, the younger rapper manages to take his hyung out of the taxi and actually succeeds at making Mark stand outside their building. 

Jackson starts walking and Mark follows, but the older is still in a semi-asleep state, mumbling incoherences in a mix of English, Korean and Mandarin that’s got Jackson trying to stop his own grin. Why does he suddenly find Mark so endearing?

Considering at least seventy percent of Mark’s brain is still asleep, it is no surprise that the older trips and almost falls. He would’ve greeted the floor with his pretty face had not been for Jackson who has always had such fast reflexes. The younger catches Mark before this can fall, one hand around the older’s bicep and the other on his chest, holding him. Mark looks up for a second, eyelids heavy with sleep but it seems he tries to focus on Jackson and when he does, he wears this breathtaking smile that makes Jackson’s inside twist in unpleasant ways.

With his hand, Mark rubs his eyes and seems to still struggle to fully wake up, so Jackson takes pity of him and actually throws the older’s arm over his own shoulders to guide him inside. He is, however, totally surprised when they take the lift because the moment they stop moving, Mark is moving closer, clinging to Jackson once again as if the younger was the new teddy bear.

Jackson freezes when he feels Mark’s arms around his own neck, the slender body pressed against him in a lazy yet totally comfortable way. Mark is clearly leaning on Jackson, falling fully asleep again on the younger so it’s this one holding the weight of the older.

“Mark, wake up or I’ll have to carry you bride-style and neither of us wants that,” Jackson warns his fellow rapper right before the lift doors open for them but Mark only groans. “Ah, come on, Mark!”

“No,” Mark says and clings closer to Jackson, acting like a kid refusing to leave the bed, although Jackson is actually trying to get Mark to bed.

Ah, such an impossible kid. Why is Mark even older?

Jackson walks forward, dragging Mark out of the lift and knowing there are just a few steps to their door, he just says fuck it and grabs Mark bride-style. The older doesn’t even complain, if anything he naturally seems to accommodate more comfortably to Jackson. The younger groans in complaint, though. For someone so skinny, Mark is actually heavy as he’s zero percent fat and all muscle.

Expectedly, Jackson carries Mark inside their dorm despite the struggle of carrying a grownup man’s sleeping weight. Jaebum, who opens the door for him as he can’t press the passcode, is so surprised to see the two rappers like that. His eyes widen like Jackson’s never seen before and his jaw drops, but the leader stills steps aside so Jackson can take Mark to their room. He can hear the silence falling in the always loud dorm as he walks with Mark in his arms, but he decides not to worry now about all the teasing and questions that will come. He’ll have to deal with that later so what’s the point of worrying now.

With difficulty, Jackson opens the door to their room and carefully lays Mark down, taking off the shoes of the older, socks and jeans. While he sleeps, Mark always takes off the rest of his clothes and ends up just in his boxers or sweats, so Jackson will leave that to the older. 

With fewer clothes on, Jackson tucks Mark up in bed and watches how Mark curls and gets comfortable in bed.

“You’re a handful,” Jackson comments but he is wearing a fond smile.

Actually, the younger can’t stop himself and ends up ruffling the older’s hair just to stroke it later, carefully, gently, the smile still on his own lips. Mark seems to relax under his touch and moves a bit closer to Jackson, as if he could feel his fellow rapper is sitting at the edge of his mat.

Jackson allows himself five minutes, just five minutes to look at Mark and appreciate how beautiful and peaceful the older looks in bed, curling closer to Jackson and obviously enjoying the soft caressing. It’s unfair how _pretty_ Mark is, to the point it makes Jackson’s chest hurt with envy and something else. His eyes, involuntarily, focus on Mark’s lips and there’s this pull in his guts when he does, at the same time his mouth dries and his throat closes up. 

Jackson refuses to acknowledge what that is. Instead, he takes his hand off of Mark’s hair and decides to leave the older to sleep, but he’s just taken two steps away when he hears his name being called.

“Jackson.” It’s a whisper, soft and almost inaudible, but as the room is so quiet with just Jackson’s footstep and Mark’s even breathing, the younger hears it clearly. He turns to look at Mark, thinking he awoke his fellow member. But Mark is still sleeping, if anything he’s just curling more into himself. The younger is surprised that Mark is calling for him in his sleep and he immediately wonders what could the older be dreaming of. He becomes so curious he actually wants to awake Mark to ask him, but he doesn’t, instead he just shakes his head and leaves the room just to find Jinyoung waiting outside their room with a confused expression.

“Did you get him drunk?” is the first thing the singer asks.

“Of course not,” Jackson answers, offended such a thing could be even an option. “He fell asleep on the ride back and didn’t want to wake up so I gave up trying and carried him. That’s all. He’s not drunk, just really tired.”

“You did that?” Jinyoung questions incredulous, grabbing the lapels of his long cardigan to wrap them tightly around himself at the same time he tilts his head slightly to the right.

“Didn’t you just see me?” Jackson shoots back. “I didn’t do anything to Mark. We actually called it a truce and we are trying to get along,” continues the rapper but Jinyoung still looks suspicious. “Why do you look at me like that?”

“Jackson, if this is just another way to get back at Mark I swear I—”

Jackson actually interrupts Jinyoung, not wanting to know how that would continue but also angry and hurt that his friend could think he is actually still trying to hurt Mark. Why would he do something so elaborate as to pretend to be friends just to hurt Mark? That makes no sense.

“It’s not!” Jackson flinches when he realises he’s raised his voice so he immediately covers his mouth and keeps quiet, trying to figure out if he awoke their eldest. Once no sound comes from inside the room the rapper focuses once again on Jinyoung. “We are really trying to get along. I apologised to Mark for all I did. He suggested we should try to actually become friends, for real this time.”

“He did?” 

Jackson frowns. Why does Jinyoung look so surprised that Mark would suggest for the two rappers to become friends?

“Yes, he did. You shouldn’t look so distraught.”

Jinyoung takes a few seconds to pull himself together and organise his thoughts as he seizes Jackson up with his gaze, trying to understand exactly what’s happening. Jackson can’t fully blame him, though. After all the bickering and fighting since their debut, no one would expect the two rappers to get along, even less become actual friends.

“If you say you are trying to become friends, then I guess it’s good.” Even if Jinyoung is saying that he looks far from reassured. Jackson fails at understanding why the singer could be so uneasy about this change, if anything shouldn’t Jinyoung just be excited the bad mood between the rappers will finally cease to bother everyone else?

A fleeting thought crosses Jackson’s head and it leaves him cold to the bone, annoyed. He imagines that the reason for Jinyoung’s reaction is jealousy, because he likes Mark and doesn’t want any other person close to the older, especially someone who is actually encouraged to be extra clingy and affectionate towards. 

But just as fast as that thought crosses Jackson’s mind, he’s shaking his head to get rid of it. No, Jinyoung doesn’t feel like that towards Mark, he wouldn’t do that to Jaebum because everyone knows there’s something there, even if they don’t want to admit it or confirm it. However Jackson still feels annoyed at the possibility, extremely bothered that Jinyoung could feel protective and possessive of Mark. 

“It’s good and it’s going well,” Jackson reassures his dongsaeng. “You don’t have to worry.”

“After these couple of months, and especially these past three days, I can’t stop worrying about Mark,” Jinyoung comments and the look he gives Jackson tells the older that Jinyoung actually knows what happened, how both Mark and Jackson held on to each other so tightly while kissing roughly and desperately just three days ago.

Impossibly to avoid, Jackson blushes and looks away, embarrassed to be in front of someone who actually knows what happened, not wanting to know what his fellow member is thinking.

“But if this is what Mark wants, then I have no word here,” Jinyoung finishes with a heavy sigh that confuses Jackson just slightly.

Jackson dismisses the confusion and instead stands taller, shoulders squared. 

“Of course, there’s nothing to worry about,” Jackson lies because even if things went well, he still feels uncomfortable with the idea of becoming Mark’s friend. “Now if you excuse me, I’m going to wash up. I’m also dead tired.”

Jinyoung only nods so Jackson can walks past the singer and towards the bathroom where he spends several seconds trying to get rid of the uncomfortable feelings in his guts. Picturing peaceful Mark sleeping against his shoulder, with an arm around his waist actually helps Jackson to calm down, which is the oddest thing, but as it helps the rapper doesn’t question it. Instead, he just gets ready for bed only allowing Mark to occupy his thoughts.


	10. 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I received more comments than usual for the previous chapter so here! Have the next :D I'm really happy you're enjoying the story.

Jackson escapes the other members’s questions by rushing inside his room before any can attack him, but that’s just for the night. The rapper can’t escape the others’ curiosity for much longer and he shouldn’t be surprised when the next morning when he is getting his breakfast, the maknae line is standing in the way the main room.

“What?” Jackson asks suspiciously, dread settling in his guts as he stares at the three youngest in their group.

It makes him incredibly uneasy when all he receives from the boys are knowing smirks and teasing looks. Jackson actually groans and goes in his head over the possibilities to get rid of the young boys.

“So you and Mark hyung…” Yugyeom begins, actually rocking on the ball of his feet and looking incredibly devious.

“Had fun on their date?” BamBam continues, wiggling his eyebrows while Youngjae, by his side, smiles brightly and too happy for any normal human being at seven in the morning.

“Why do you make it sound like a romantic date when we just went to dine out,” Jackson questions out loud but the incredulous looks he receives back make him consider things the other way around.

Things with Mark are… complicated. They are honestly trying to get along and become friends, but the fact they’ve made out can’t be ignored. That can’t be just a mistake or getting caught up in the moment, it was so… intense and there was a desperation and longing in the way Mark held on to him. For that reason the ghost of a romantic possibility haunts every interaction between the rappers.

However, considering any interaction as romantic is very conflictive as well due to their past. For years Mark and Jackson were in a war and even if Mark never really hated the younger, he still was constantly hurt. How could they just overcome all that past, all those wounds and ache overnight?

Even if Jackson thinks about it, he can’t wrap his mind around it because it’s too absurd. Thinking of Mark having those sort of feelings doesn’t make sense based on the way Jackson has treated him. And in Jackson’s case, it’s too ridiculous he could harbour some other feelings when he’s claimed to hate the older for so long. No one can change that fact.

No, there can’t be romantic feelings there. At least not yet.

“What are you doing?” another voice asks, getting Jackson’s attention and making him snap from his train of thoughts. When the rapper looks up, he finds Mark standing behind the maknae line, looking suspicious at the three.

There’s a tug in Jackson’s gut, a bubbling excitement that tingles but he hushes immediately. It’s too early for that.

Mark looks past the younger idols and meets Jackson’s eyes, and in that moment his smile changes. It becomes softer and warmer, there’s a different, happy glint in Mark’s eyes as he holds Jackson’s stare.

Jackson woke up a while ago, hit the gym for a while and just recently came back so he wasn’t in the room when Mark woke up. And for that reason, Mark’s “good morning” isn’t weird at all.

“How are you feeling?” Jackson asks, knowing how tired Mark was the night before after such demanding practice. 

“I had a good sleep,” Mark replies, still smiling as he slowly approaches Jackson, never breaking the eye contact. “You weren’t there when I woke up. For how long have you been awake?”

“Since five thirty, I guess,” Jackson replies with a shrug, watching how Mark’s eyebrows lift in surprise. “Gym.” Mark only hums but continues staring at Jackson and the younger starts to feel a bit nervous, his body feeling a bit hot under the close inspection. It’s always nerve wracking when someone looks at you so closely, especially when you just came out of the shower and are bare faced and with the largest dark circles under your eyes because of exhaustion.

At that point, Jackson has completely forgotten about the other idols in the kitchen and even if he feels so anxious with Mark’s gaze focused on him, the younger can’t look away. It’s actually Mark who breaks the eye contact when he focuses on the bowl with a fruit salad Jackson has prepared for his breakfast. His other hand is holding an organic smoothie he has every morning. Without a warning, Mark steps closer and steals some fruit as casually as if he always did that, and then the older turns to go for something to eat himself.

Jackson doesn't move for a second and when he does, he is reminded the maknae line have been watching the whole time. If their looks were teasing before, now they look impossible and Jackson groans loudly.

“Not romantic my ass,” BamBam deadpans, rolling his eyes. “Not surprised but still.”

“I said it’s not like that, can you please st—”

Jackson doesn’t get a chance to finish his sentence when he feels arms wrap around his waist from behind, scaring the living days out of him. It’s a miracle he doesn’t drop what he’s carrying but he does scream as high pitched as his vocal cords allow it.

The giggling in his ear only sends chills down his spine.

“Are you jealous, BamBam?” Mark asks, the one who gave Jackson the scare. His heart is still racing and it gets worse when Mark rests his chin on Jacksons shoulder, looking at the maknae line from there. “Afraid I’ll steal your Jackson hyung?”

Jackson tries not to get distracted with Mark’s hands loosely entwined on Jackson’s stomach, or the way their cheeks are touching and the younger can totally feel the movements of Mark’s face muscles when he talks. Jackson tries really hard not to get distracted with the warmth emanating from the body behind him.

“You and I don’t want hyung the same way,” BamBam comments offhandedly, and Jackson is incredibly surprised with such blunt statement and almost accusation. 

Mark isn’t surprised or offended, if anything he is just amused, judging by the high pitched chuckles that escape the older.

“True. Moreover, I’m just trying to win Jackson’s affection, you already have that,” Mark continues and Jackson only blinks. Why is Mark encouraging the youngest rapper? “Isn’t that right, Jacksonie?” Mark questions next, clearly just addressing the younger.

Jackson is about to turn his head to look at Mark, feeling how the older pulled back to look at Jackson, but thankfully Jackson’s timing is a bit off so when Mark leans in to kiss his cheek, it doesn’t end up in an accidental kiss but just an almost kiss that surprises them both, but not as much as it surprises the maknae line.

The three boys scream and make all sort of comments about gross display of affection and show of favouritism and to please keep it in their room. They are just exaggerating, especially Youngjae who cries out something about Coco’s father getting another man and how the betrayal hurts so much. Does this call for divorce? He does not want to put Coco through that.

Why are their members like that? 

However, their antics distract Mark from what almost happened and he just giggles happily for scaring the younger idols like that, succeeding at getting them out of the kitchen. Jackson is a bit shaken, with his heart racing and probably blushing. The almost kiss reminding him too much of the actual kiss.

It can’t be normal thinking about that so often, right? But Jackson does, he’s constantly reminded of what happened between them and when Mark stands in front of him, so close, smiling sheepishly, he can’t help recalling the kiss almost perfectly. 

Involuntarily, Jackson’s eyes dart to Mark’s lips, just briefly before he scolds himself to focus on Mark’s eyes instead, but the older seem to notice the small slip and his smile changes a bit, turning more into a grin.

“Did I scare you, too?” Mark asks softly and Jackson needs a moment to pull himself together and sound casual when he answers.

“You startled me a bit, that’s all. But it got rid of the kids so it’s fine,” Jackson shrugs, trying to sound as nonchalant about it as possible.

“It shouldn’t, though,” Mark continues, his voice soft, almost a whisper. There’s no one else in the kitchen, there’s no need to lower their voices. “An accidental peck would be nothing between us, right?”

Jackson gulps because even if Mark doesn’t explicitly says it, it’s evident he means a peck is nothing compared to the way they’ve made out already. What it’s an innocent and accidental press of lips when they’ve kissed in the way only lovers would?

“Y-yeah, it would be nothing,” Jackson agrees, still trying hard to sound nonchalant but his voice comes out strained instead.

Mark grins wider before his hand reaches out for Jackson’s hair, ruffling it affectionately before walking away, with no food in his hands while Jackson is still holding his. Focusing only on that detail, he follows Mark, calling for him. It seems the older did not expect that because when he stops to look at Jackson, his expression is surprised.

“You didn’t get breakfast,” Jackson points out which it seems slipped Mark’s mind because only then he makes a sound of acknowledgement, as if he just now noticed that. “Here, have this,” Jackson offers pushing his bowl into Mark’s hands. “And get something else.”

Jackson walks away, not staying to see Mark’s reaction to his sudden act of kindness, but smiling to himself. It’s funny how sometimes small acts can be so shocking, like light and unexpected touches or  sharing his breakfast, Jackson muses. Such small things still leave one with a fluttering feeling even if they can be so insignificant.

As Jackson heads to the sofa to drink his smoothie, he tries not to dwell too much on the fact he feels his stomach filled with bubbles or something else, or the fact that small actions now look so appealing and important and that he’s looking forward more of those. No, for now Jackson focuses on his smoothie and trying not to grin so widely because if the maknae line see him, then the teasing will be nonstop.

Yeah, Jackson doesn’t want to ruin his mood with that when he feels actually really great today.


	11. 11

Rehearsals and other schedules take the best out of everyone. Energy and will to live alike. But at the same time, it’s part of what the boys of GOT7 love, so even if it’s so exhausting, it also fills them with such sense of achievement it makes up for the constant body aches they’ve learnt to live with.

Jackson loves what he does, he really does, even if at times he feels he has no time to breathe and like the weight on his shoulders is too heavy for him alone. Yet he wouldn’t change it for anything. Even if he left so much behind, even if he gave up on one big and important dream of him, he doesn’t regret it. Not for a heartbeat. Not even when he’s exhausted and can barely move, when he’s gone hours without eating and feels like there’s something off with his body. Not even then does Jackson regret his choices.

The other members know he is more exhausted as his schedule is the most severe one, so they try to keep it quiet in the van and give him more space to stretch and sleep, and when they arrive, they wake him gently not to startle him.

Well, not _they_ but _he._

Mark _._

It’s Mark telling the others to lower their voices in the van or sneaking snacks in Jackson’s hands, like protein bars (always organic) and even smoothies to re-energise the younger rapper. And when they arrive to the new location, Mark waits until everyone gets off before approaching Jackson and carefully, gently shaking him awake.

“Jackson-ah, we’re here. Wake up,” Mark whispers softly so it feels like a tender caress and not like a scary cream from hell, like BamBam would do.

Jackson’s eyelids slowly flutter open, the light coming in from the outside allowing him to see the older idol, although still a bit blurry, smiling at him as kindly as someone can while holding Jackson’s favorite smoothie.

“Are we really there already? It felt like two seconds,” Jackson mumbles, rubbing his eyes and sitting upright, a yawn escaping his lips as he tries to stretch a bit. Only after he's done doing that he grabs the smoothie. “Thanks,” he adds with a smile.

Even if Mark showed his concern before, Jackson was blind to it. He never noticed the kind gestures until they talked things through. Now, Jackson isn’t blind anymore. The idol doesn’t miss every kind gesture Mark spares, the sweet smiles and how the idol seems to exactly know what Jackson need and craves the most.

“Two seconds is normally what you get of sleep, though,”Mark comments and although it could be in a teasing tone, his voice carries deep worry that makes Jackson feel a bit uncomfortable, like he needs to reassure Mark he’s fine. “Seriously, Jacks, you need more rest.”

“So do we all, but right now we can’t afford it,” Jackson reminds the older one, feeling a bit more awake. “Still, these little naps help enormously.”

Mark looks far from pleased, if anything, he looks more worried and it’s evident in the way he helps Jackson to get out of the van, holding the younger’s arm and providing Jackson with a solid balance. Lately his body has been almost foreign to him. His exhaustion makes his muscles stiff and heavy and sometimes, especially when he has to stand up, for a pair of heartbeats, the world around him blacks out and it feels like everything is moving and he can’t stand. But as fast as it came, the feeling is gone and he feels normal again. The idol is aware that is just his body telling him to move slower because it cannot keep up, but Jackson does not have time to “take it slow.”

“You need a break more than us,” Mark insists. “You work twice as hard, and you look so tired, Jacks. We’re really worried about you. We fear you’re just going to faint on us one of this days, or worse, when you’re alone filming somewhere else.”

Jackson turns to give Mark what he hopes it’s a reassuring smile, but honestly, it seems to fail. “I’ll be fine, really. And I’m never really alone, so if the worst happen, someone will help me.”

“That’s not exactly reassuring, Jacks,” Mark whines, slightly pouting and Jackson realises the grip on his arm tightens a bit. “Just take better care of yourself.”

Jackson feels something stirring in his gut because the concern in Mark’s voice is so raw and overwhelming, as if the older couldn’t bear the idea of Jackson getting hurt. It brings up a very unsettling feeling in the younger rapper, making him feel awkward in his own skin and like he does not know what to do with himself. He can barely meet Mark’s eyes because if he does, then the feeling intensifies and considering how weak Jackson already feels, if such thing happened then his knees would give out under his own weight and how humiliating would that be?

“I’ll try,” Jackson promises, looking down and focusing solely on the cold surface of the smoothie cup in his hand, the small drops from condensation sliding down, slowly and so very distracting. The change of temperature is much appreciated as Jackson’s skin feels somewhat hot, as if he’s been under the sunlight far too long in a summer day when in fact he’s in a parking lot. Granted, it’s still hot and humid but he just got off or a car with AC so the reason he’s feeling suffocated can’t possible be because of the weather, instead it must be Mark’s doing.

The boy responsible of the unsettling feelings in Jackson sighs but does’t let go of Jackson and continues guiding him to the building where they are supposed to try the new concept clothes and getting it all perfectly fit for them. It’s not really a demanding activity, just boring and tedious.

Instead of being his usual hyper self, Jackson uses every instance he gets to lay down and take a break, dozing off most of the time and getting somewhat lost with the track of time. Every time the idol opens his eyes again, somehow Mark is always around with that frown on his brow, looking distressed.

At some point, when it’s lunch break, Jackson has to decide whether he’ll eat or sleep, and considering how tired he is, he goes for the latter. But not wanting to worry his team mates (reads Mark), Jackson pretends to follow the other crew members and just when he is out of sight, the idol sneaks away to look for a secluded place where he can take an hour nap. Jackson is sure he’ll feel far better after that, better than having lunch. He can eat something later.

Jackson goes back to the studio that now is empty and ends up lying on the white set floor. Sure, it’s not the most comfortable place, but it’ll do. The idol just lies down, arms and legs stretched out and it doesn’t take much for him to fall asleep. It’s a dreamless nap, but it feels glorious. When he wakes up, though, Jackson isn't sleeping in a star shape anymore, instead he’s curled in someone’s arms, comfortable but perhaps too warm for such a hot day.

After a couple of heartbeats Jackson recognizes the warmth, the familiar scent and the tingling feeling that comes from being too close to Mark. 

Confused, Jackson looks up to find the older idol there, with his arm under Jackson’s head as a pillow, their legs tangled and the other arm loosely around Jackson’s body, hand on his back, still absentmindedly giving soft pats.

_How tired was I that I did not notive when Mark came in and did this?_ The idol asks himself. More than he thought, that’s for sure, because Mark came to wrap himself around Jackson and this didn’t even bat an eyelash.

And for some reason, Jackson doesn’t move, oddly comfortable there, on the floor with Mark. The idol allows himself some time to appreciate Mark, every sharp and defined feature. That day they went out with little to no makeup, Mark in particular isn’t wearing anything but sunblock and yet he still looks flawless.

Unconsciously, Jackson reaches to touch Mark’s cheek, light as a feather, slowly as if he had all the time in the world. In his sleep, Mark sighs content and Jackson can’t help his own smile. Encouraged with such reaction, Jackson continues running his fingertips over Mark’s face, drawing over the boy’s features and enjoying how Mark sighs and curls a bit closer.

Obviously, Mark doesn’t stay asleep the whole time and eventually wakes up, surprised to find Jackson with his eyes open and intently looking at him.

“Good nap?” Jackson asks in a teasing manner, not moving a centimeter and neither does Mark.

“Hmm…” Mark mumbles groggily. “But why where you here instead of having lunch?”

“I could ask the same,” Jackson refutes, arching one eyebrow. 

“I did have lunch, I just came because I forgot my water bottle and found you here.”

“And I looked far too inviting so you couldn’t resist and came to nap with me?” Jackson jokes instead of admitting he skipped lunch for a nap. If he does, then it means admitting he’s too tired and desperate for any bit of sleep he can squeeze, which would make Mark really anxious and for some reason Jackson doesn’t want to cause more distress to the older.

“Oh,” Mark affirms lazily, not even blushing whereas Jackson is startled and tenses a bit. “Gaga, don’t skip meals.”

But even if Mark’s easy agreement startles Jackson, it’s nothing compared with what the use of his Chinese name does to him. Mark has called him that before, but this time it’s different, more intimate, like a whisper shared in the quiet hours of dawn that later is blown away by the wind. It makes every nerve ending in Jackson’s body tense and then melt, just as his heart races.

That’s not a normal reaction, Mark is flustering Jackson too much and the younger is getting a bit freaked out, scared of his own reactions and the implications of these, because Jackson is not ready to acknowledge anything.

Jackson gulps and clears his throat before saying anything else. “I’m taking care of myself, see? I was taking a nap. Anyhow,” the idol blabbers. “We should get going as we need to keep trying clothes and taking pictures.”

Mark groans, his eyelids heavy, and pulls Jackson closer, just for a second before he releases the younger and rolls away, yawning and stretching, while Jackson's heart is actually racing.

“I’ll go get you something to eat so stay here, okay?” Mark requests, sitting upright and stretching some more. He takes one look at Jackson to give the younger one encouraging smile. “Next time eat before you nap, okay?”

“Okay,” Jackson rolls his eyes, just to shake off the awkward feeling crawling on his skin. “Just to stop your nagging. God, you’re annoying.”

Instead of getting offended, Mark only smiles as if he could read Jackson does’t mean to insult him, not like he did before, at least. It’s a relief the older can pick up on that, because Jackson isn't in a position where he can be honest an open about his feelings.

Yet.

Perhaps one day he’ll be able to explore every reaction of his body and especially his heart. For now, the possible answer scares him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm truly sorry I could not update before, but I was too busy preparing for my trip. I moved to Korea and it's been crazy trying to settle down and all that. I'll do my best to update faster!


	12. 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who would've thought having a life could be so time consuming? Anyhow, I'm deeply sorry. I'll try not to forget about this story again. Thank you if you're still waiting for updates.

With a comeback around the corner it’s nonstop. Practising the new, extremely demanding, choreography to perfection, singing the song until it feels it has imprinted in their DNA, changing stiles until they find the exact one that matches their concept. And more, so much more. They are always moving, having meetings to organise their schedule, listening to orders and warnings… always. They are an over-two-years-old band and they still get the same warnings from the beginning.

With so much to do before they actually have their comeback, Jackson doesn’t even have time to feel tired. That is a luxury he can’t afford, so he keeps pushing forward and doing what he’s told. The idol is demanding too much from his own body and it’s been like that for too long, this one can’t even keep up anymore and it’s just like Mark predicted.

Jackson collapses.

No, it’s not like he dramatically faints on set or their way, he doesn’t really pass out but it still scares the living days out of Mark.

It happens one morning when they have to get up at four in the morning, coming back to the dorm the night before past midnight. Mark shakes Jackson awake, carefully, whispering his name and his hand gentle on the younger’s shoulder. Obviously, Jackson resists a bit at first, he’s slept like two hours at best, having trouble falling asleep due to over-exhaustion.

“Come on, Gaga, it’s time to get up. If you don’t, BamBam is gonna use the bathroom and you know how long he takes, then we’ll all be late,” Mark calls, hoping that will help.

It does not.

“I can use all that time to sleep,” Jackson tries to bargain, but Mark does not stop so he has to take the older’s wrist to stop him from shaking Jackson awake. As if that hand were a teddy bear, the younger cuddles it, kind of pulling Mark a bit closer to his own mattress, curling to the side and rubbing his face against the warm skin of Mark’s back hand. It’s not soft, it’s actually very dry and boney so Jackson makes a mental note to give the other idol some hand cream. Maybe one of Pikachu so he’ll love it and be all cute with it.

Jackson can’t really control his thoughts when he’s half-asleep. Or three-fourth-asleep, whatever.

The younger feels Mark’s other hand in his hair, ruffling it which only helps to make it closer to fully asleep again.

“We can’t do that, so get up and go wash up. You can sleep on the drive to the MV location,” Mark suggests and even if he hadn’t said that, Jackson had planned to sleep through that already.

“Ugh, fine~” Jackson whines, dragging the last vowel sound in the word, but still curling a bit more into himself, dragging Mark with him. 

Jackson has loads of stuffed toys, but Mark’s hand, dry and boney as it is, is still more comfortable.

Blinking to drive the sleep grogginess, Jackson finally releases the older’s hand and takes a deep breath to wake up. His body feels made of lead and it honestly takes too much of him to move, but Mark is right and he needs to get going soon. BamBam takes too long in the shower (everyone knows it’s because he talks to his reflection for longer than he takes the shower) so everyone has agreed to never again wait for BamBam to be done to go in, but instead letting him be the last while they get ready for the day, calmly. And it’s also a punishment for BamBam who has to rush to get ready and run to catch up with them who block the lift and make the younger run downstairs.

It happens every time.

Jackson decides it’s better to do it like taking a band-aid. Fast and without hesitation. So he completely releases Mark and gets out of bed with the agility of a former fencing medalist. However, that is such a wrong call of judgement because the moment he does, everything goes black and the only thing he can see are little fluffs of white floating in his visual field. Completely disorientated, his hands bat desperately, trying to hold on any sort of support but his fingers only grace something before his knees give out and he ends up falling, hitting his head, hard, against the wall next to his mattress. It makes a very painful sound that almost drowns Mark’s panicked scream.

Jackson still can’t see, though. The collision with the wall and the pain that erupts with it keeping his vision black, yet he feels hands on him, careful yet shaky with worry.

“Gaga, are you okay? Oh God, can you hear me? Did you hit your head too hard? Gaga, answer me!” 

Jackson obviously knows it’s Mark, panicking because he’s only groaning in bed.

“You don’t give me time to answer,” Jackson complains, blinking so he can see again, focusing on that first. It works, slowly and blurry, he starts to see again and can make up Mark hovering above him, his expression contorted with worry and fear.

Once the younger can see again, he can register the pain in the back of his head, making him groan loudly.

“Oh God, Gaga, are you okay?” Mark cries, his hands trying to reach Jackson but too hesitant, like he doesn’t know where to touch.

“Yeah, I am,” Jackson reassures the older. “It just hurts. The wall is actually harder than I expected,” the younger speaks in a teasing tone, but it doesn’t soften Mark’s worry. “I’m okay, just got dizzy because I got up too quickly.” 

To backup his statement, Jackson tries to sit up, carefully this time but he gets still a dizzy and his vision blurs a bit again, so he involuntarily grabs Mark’s wrist for support.

“Is that… blood on the wall?” Mark asks in such feeble voice that sounds too strangled. “Oh God, you really hurt yourself!”

Instead of seeing Mark moving, Jackson feels the older’s hand on his head and hear the hollow gasp that comes when he inspects his fingers that are tinted red.

“It’s blood!” Mark cries out, making Jackson wince and henceforth, hurt more. “We have to take you to the hospital. Now! Oh God, oh God,” Mark panics, his hands all over Jackson, still unsure where it’s safe to touch.

Jackson is so surprised to see Mark so pale and scared, frantic trying to know what to do, how to proceed but too out of his mind to make a decision, that the younger can easily ignore his own injury. He’s sure it’s nothing and Mark is just overreacting.

Carefully because he still feels quite clumsy, Jackson grabs Mark’s wrists to stop his hands from hovering all over the younger, and calls for the other idol’s name, quite a few times to make him focus. 

“Mark, I’m fine. I’m sure it’s just a simple cut, you don’t need to look like your loved puppy died,” Jackson says, trying to smile but Mark actually looks about to cry.

“You’re bleeding and you are so pale, like the dead,” the older replies and Jackson can actually feel him trembling. “You’re bleeding, Gaga.”

It would be lying if Jackson said the way Mark’s voice breaks when he says that doesn’t shock him and stir something in him. And the fact the older’s eyes fill with tears only enhances such feelings in the younger.

“I’m okay, really. I was just stupid to get up that fast,” Jackson insists, rubbing his thumbs on the other boy’s skin, but Mark still looks this close to break down crying. “Hey, hey, don’t cry, I’m okay!” insists the younger boy when he sees the other idol actually crying.

“You’re bleeding! You’re not okay. I told you many times to take it easy, now you hurt yourself. Gaga, why don’t you listen?”

Jackson doesn’t know what to do, how to reassure Mark that it’s nothing. Really, why is the older so shocked and scared? It’s not like he fainted, he just got a dizzy spell and it happens to everyone. Sure, he hit his head but who hasn’t done that? It’s not the end of the world and Jackson won’t die, Mark doesn’t need to look so distraught.

Although the younger thinks the other boy is overreacting, he still allows Mark to pull him for a hug because he knows the older needs it to feel at ease. His own arms wrap around the thin frame of his roommate, patting his back reassuringly and trying not to wince at how tight Mark holds on to him.

They pull apart when Jaebum comes in the room with a confused expression. “Why aren’t you ready to— what’s going on?” their leader asks, clearly confused to find Mark crying and hugging Jackson.

“I hit my head and Mark is having a breakdown because he’s a worrywart,” Jackson sums up, watching how Jaebum’s eyebrows raise.

“You almost fainted and hit your head, and you’re bleeding!” Mark complains, pulling away just to glare at Jackson. “You need to go to the hospital.”

“You’re bleeding?” Jaebum questions then, alarm in his voice as he immediately goes to check. Mark points to where exactly and the younger feels like a lab rat while their leader inspects the back of his head, his fingers coming out covered in blood again. “You’re bleeding a lot. Mark, you should’ve told me immediately. I’ll get Manager Hyung to take Jackson to the ER and make sure that’s nothing serious.”

“I’ll go with Jackson,” Mark declares, whipping his cheeks and squaring his shoulders, but Jaebum dismisses him.

“No, I’ll go. You go with the others to set and we’ll join as soon as we’re done.” Jaebum’s tone doesn’t leave room for argument, so both Jackson and Mark only nod while their leader leaves, phone in hand already.

“I’m fine,” Jackson tries again, a little smile to reassure Mark but this still looks like he’s choking on something.

“Stop doing that!” Mark snaps, surprising Jackson then. “Always looking down on your own wellbeing, pushing yourself to the limit and beyond for anyone else. You care about every fan’s health but you dismiss your own injuries. I tell you to be careful but you’re not and you make me worry so much, why are you like this? Is this your way to keep torturing me? By making me worry sick?”

“Uh n-no, that’s not my—”

“Because you’re succeeding!” Mark cuts him in, his eyes angry and so hurt. “You keep getting hurt and I have to watch and I can’t even go with you to the hospital to make sure you’re okay. Ugh, I hate this!”

Jackson watches Mark standing up and storming out of the room, really angry and frustrated, while he stays sitting in bed, blinking the confusion away. He knows Mark is misdirecting his rage and snapping at Jackson because he’s just too worried and that’s why he doesn’t get angry or offended, instead he just feels sorry. Jackson doesn’t enjoy torturing Mark anymore, not even unconsciously. He didn’t want to worry the older like that or scare him, he didn’t want to cause a scene or anything, he just made a poor decision due to half of sleep. Given, he should’ve been sensible and moved carefully, but it wasn’t a big deal. That means Mark is upset for not just this and it’s an accumulation of events, and that makes Jackson so sorry about it all, because he’s been making Mark worry for so long and wasn’t even aware of it.

The idol is about to go follow Mark to apologise when Jaebum comes in, helping him to get up to take him to the hospital.

The apology will have to wait.


	13. 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told my friend to remind me to write this story and it's worked :D You should do the same so I never forget again.

Still shocked and a bit disoriented, Jackson is taken to the hospital. The cut is superficial and taken care of easily, but he still gets a CT to make sure there’s no concussion, which is not the case, so he needs to stay a bit longer in the hospital to monitor him. The fact he’s malnourished only makes the doctors more stern when he insists he can go home.

“Unless you want us to find more reasons to keep you here, I suggest you stay quiet, young man,” says the doctor with whom Jackson’s puppy eyes did not work. No amount of aegyo would change that woman’s mind.

“But I have an MV to shoot today!” Jackson still complains, like a fool because the doctor hisses and makes this very fed up slash threatening expression.

“I’m gonna keep you two days here if you say another word. Are you the leader?” she questions, this time addressing Jaebum next to Jackson.

“Yeh,” the leader confirms, standing straight, hands at his back and alert posture, as if ready to receive a scolding.

“Make sure he stays here and gets some rest or your video will be shot with a zombie instead of an idol. If he carries on like this it could lead to more complications. His nutrition state is deplorable and I’d like to get my hands in all of you idols to make sure you have all the proper meals your body needs instead of stupid and pointless diets.” Jackson blinks, watching the doctor sighing deeply, looking more worked up than a professional should.

Oh, maybe she’s a fan of another group and she’s channeling her frustration and fears on Jackson. He can understand, but he still pouts for it.

“Make sure he stays here and figure how to shoot his parts tomorrow. He won’t get away from that IV until the sun sets,” warns the doctor and gives Jackson one last pointed look before leaving the room where he’s been admitted.

Jackson looks at Jaebum with big pleading eyes and a hopeful smile, expecting his leader to also dismiss the doctor and prioritise their schedule, but the older boy’s eyes are cold and determined.

“You heard her so don’t look at me like that. You stay here and rest. Sleep, eat and everything that they tell you. You will shoot your part and the group parts tomorrow, but today you care about your health.”

“But hyung!” Jackson whines, like a little kid and Jaebum makes this fed up noise that causes the younger to wince in fear.

“This is why you don’t listen! Everyone tells you to eat and rest properly, to take care of yourself. I can’t believe you’re malnourished, that’s worrisome and embarrassing at the same time. I can’t believe I let this happen,” the leader rants, running his hands through his hair in frustration. “You’re not a kid, Jackson.”

Defeated and ashamed, Jackson looks down and focuses on his fingers on his lap, intertwining them while trying not to pout too much. He’s a grownup after all, adults don’t pout because they don’t let them go to work.

“I’m sorry,” the younger boy apologises and can hear Jaebum sighing.

“You better be. Now rest and be more careful from now on. Nobody wants to see you in the hospital or getting hurt,” Jaebum points out, ruffling Jackson’s hair affectionately with a tight smile. Jackson smiles back, sheepishly and with big eyes, making the leader chuckle at such expression. “You fool.” It’s said with utmost fondness so Jackson only smiles wider as the leader walks away, talking to their manager and organising things.

Jackson is left in the hospital room, alone, bored and regretful. Mark was right, if he had paid better attention to his health condition the doctor wouldn’t have been so angry. He would’ve thought better and got up slowly, not getting a cut and concussion. His poor decisions had led him to that hospital bed and now he has the whole day to reflect on his actions.

At first he thinks of doing something productive and work on the lyrics of new songs and such, but he is so tired that he ultimately falls asleep only to be roused to eat and check how everything is going with him, then Jackson is back to sleep. Like that, the day goes by without him noticing until the door to his room opens to allow entrance. Jackson was waking up by that point on his own, so he rubs his eyes to focus on the visitor. Obviously, he expects to see their leader or manager coming to pick him up and get him discharged, instead he finds Mark standing on the doorframe, watching with an intense look in his eyes, lips tightly pressed in a white line and fists clenched at his sides.

Jackson immediately remembers he’s supposed to apologise.

“Hi there,” the younger greets, waving lightly but Mark doesn’t move from his spot. “Did you come alone?”

“As soon as I was allowed to,” Mark adds with a nod. “I would’ve come sooner if they allowed it.”

“Did everything go well? I’m sorry for causing trouble and ruining the schedule,” Jackson mumbles, looking down, feeling the guilt weighting in on his shoulders.

“You’re apologising for that?” Mark’s voice goes higher, making Jackson snap to watch him again. “Who cares about the schedule when you’re sick!? I could barely focus after Jaebum told us you were forced to stay because of the concussion and malnourished. I wanted to run here but couldn’t. Why do you get sick, Gaga? I told you not to.”

Although Mark is scolding Jackson, the latter only feels flabbergasted and touched that Mark is so worried about him, but it worries him how the voice of the older breaks and his expression twists in pain. He looks as if he were in more pain than Jackson himself.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m not that sick. It’s just a precaution to—”

“Still!” Mark cries out, stepping forward in long strides, surprising Jackson with how fast the older gets to his bedside. “You got hurt and you’ve been neglecting yourself so much…”

“I’m okay,” Jackson tries to reassure Mark again, grabbing the hand of the older in a comforting gesture. Mark clings to Jackson immediately and the younger can clearly see the pain and worry in the older’s face. “No need to worry so much. I’m sorry for neglecting my health, I should’ve done better. Our Aghases will be disappointed and worried.” Jackson tries to smile, but it doesn’t soothe Mark’s expression. “Come on, don’t look constipated. I’m fine.”

“You worry about them but you don’t worry about yourself… or about us,” Mark whispers, his eyes getting glassy. The older must notice how that surprises Jackson because he looks away and blinks quickly.

“I’m really sorry, Mark,” Jackson tries again, pulling Mark’s hand trying to make the older look at him. He puts a bit of resistance but ends up meeting Jackson’s eyes nonetheless. “I’ll be more careful now so nobody worries again.”

“You better,” Mark mumbles and Jackson gives him his most dashing smile and some cutesy to make the older smile again. 

Mark expression tenses but he doesn’t smile, so Jackson continues, making hearts and high pitched noises that embarrass the living days out of him. Yet he doesn’t stop until Mark can’t fight the smile anymore.

“That’s better,” Jackson comments, happy to see Mark smiling again. “It wasn’t serious, no need to look so distraught.”

“I was just so worried because I fear one day it’ll be serious.”

“Let’s hope that never happens and if I’m being stubborn and stupid again, you have my blessing to hit me,” Jackson provides, making Mark chuckle and shake his head.

“Just don’t get sick, okay?”

Jackson nods with a big smile and good boy eyes, making Mark smile back. The younger doesn’t enjoy seeing Mark in any sort of discomfort, worrying about him and looking so sad. Mark should always be smiling and shining, because he’s the most beautiful creature when he is happy. Jackson feels his chest tightening when he thinks about it, the feeling spreading to his guts as well. Unconsciously, Jackson tightens his grip on Mark’s hand. The boy squeezes back and continues smiling at Jackson, looking a bit more relieved but there’s a new apprehension in the younger boy’s chest as he watches his roommate.

“Come, lie with me for a bit,” Jackson calls, not really thinking about it but just feeling like that’s a good idea. It would help Mark relax and release the accumulated tension during the day, and it would help Jackson to settle the fluttering feelings in his chest.

Mark is surprised and looks at Jackson as if he doesn’t understand the latter’s words, so the boy pulls the other idol who doesn’t put resistance and gets in bed with him. His body is a bit tense and clumsy, but Mark allows Jackson to manhandle him until they are both cuddling in the small hospital bed.

Oddly, Jackson feels a lot better when Mark is there and can relax more easily than when he was sleeping. Mark doesn’t move at first, as if he was still processing what Jackson did, and when the information sinks, the younger hears him chuckling before hugging him back.

The content sigh that escape Jackson is real.

Jackson doesn’t say anything else, just closes his eyes and enjoys the warmth that radiates from Mark’s body, the familiar scent and the feeling in his guts that feels more like tickles now. He is comfortable and he is aware that this means something, something important and he should pay attention to it, but he’s too comfortable to spare a thought for it.

“Gaga,” Mark calls and Jackson only hums, loving that Marks calls him like that when they are alone. “Don’t get sick again.”

“I won’t,” Jackson promises, fully aware that he shouldn’t because that’s not exactly something he can control, but he understand Mark is trying to tell him to be careful and look after himself.

“I missed you today,” adds the idol, in a whisper that barely makes it to Jackson’s ears. The words surprise him because they sound like a shy confession.

Jackson’s first instinct is to dismiss it with a joke, but he doesn’t this time because his heart is actually fluttering and he can’t manage to ignore Mark’s words.

Instead, the younger replies, “Me too,” while cuddling closer to Mark, completely missing the beautiful smile that comes to the older’s lips, but not the way he hugs Jackson tighter.


	14. 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone asked for update, so here it is. Aren't I kind?

        When Manager Hyung comes to pick and discharge Jackson, both him and Mark are sound asleep in the younger’s bed. The man has to shake them and gives them a curious look. Obviously, their manager had to deal with their fighting a lot, more than once asking Jackson to stop picking fights with Mark just to give him a break. It must be weird for the man to see the two idols cuddling in bed and sleeping together.

“When did you even get here?” their manager asks Mark as the idol sits up and stretches, covering a yawn with his sweater paw.

“When we finished the shooting. I took a taxi,” explains the idol as Jackson rubs his eyes, listening but not really paying much attention to what’s being said.

“Jinyoung said you had gone to the label first,” the manager continues and now Jackson pays more attention. “Why lying?”

“I asked him to do that,” Mark replies. “I knew you wouldn’t get anxious if you thought I was at the label, and if I asked you to bring me here you would’ve refused.” Jackson is impressed Mark went to such length to pay him a visit.

“You silly boy,” their manager mutters, shaking his head dismissively. He realises there’s no point scolding the idol when he did not cause trouble and was just making his other member company. “Anyhow, Jackson can go home. I signed the papers to discharge him so just get in your clothes.”

The younger idol smiles brightly, happy to know he can leave the hospital. He doesn’t even wait for a nurse to come and take the IV out, he does it himself which causes both Mark and their manager to hiss and scold him. But the idol is too excited to care and practically dances his way to the bathroom to change back in the clothes he came in. Once he’s done, he joins Mark and their manager and they leave the hospital, keeping their faces hidden just in case. It was a minor thing, nobody wants to make the fans anxious.

In the van, Jackson naturally sits next to Mark although they have a lot of free seats. Mark doesn’t seem to mind, quite the opposite because as soon as Jackson is next to the other idol, the boy leans closer and rests his head in Jackson’s shoulder.

“I’m still sleepy,” Mark mumbles, blinking slowly as if his eyelids were too heavy.

Jackson doesn’t say anything, just lets the other idol take a nap while he watches the city go by the window. That until their manager mentions:

“So it’s true you two called cease of fire. That’s a relief, I was afraid it would get leaked that you two couldn’t stand each other.” 

“It was me the one with the problem,” Jackson replies to that statement. “Mark only defended himself, but he never had a problem with me. Not really. I was the douche all along.”

“And now you’re not? What changed?” the man asks, taking a quick glimpse through the rear view mirror.

Jackson thinks about it because he feels the answer to that question is more complicated than one at first think. For starters, Mark had enough and finally confronted Jackson and they talked things through, but it’s not only that. Jackson changed, or better said, the way he views Mark changed. At some point he felt forced and Mark was the reminded of lies and pretence. Now in Jackson’s eyes Mark is a beautiful boy, with the most cheerful and angelic smile, someone who put up with so much due to Jackson’s own stupidity. Mark is someone patient, mature and strong, caring and thoughtful. Mark is also someone who makes Jackson very confused, always awakening such powerful feelings. Not even once, Jackson has been indifferent to Mark. The difference between before and now is that in the past Jackson was consumed by negative feelings whilst now his feelings are fluttering and unsettling.

Considering all that, anyone would say Jackson likes Mark.

It’s absolutely crazy that when Jackson thinks about that possibility, that when he examines his own emotions and fathoms the possibility to have those type of romantic feelings, instead of feeling scandalised or confused, he only feels his stomach fluttering again. Evidently, he is immediately reminded of their kiss and even if he tries to, he can’t ignore the way he reacts to Mark and all those thoughts and impulses he has when the idol is around.

The more Jackson considers the possibility, the more feasible this looks.

“A lot of things changed,” Jackson finally replies, his eyes on the sleeping Mark on his shoulder. “Mostly, I realised I was being an idiot.”

That statement is true in many ways. Channeling his anger by hating Mark was idiotic, not appreciating the man next to him was stupid, and above all, making Mark suffer was the worst thing he could’ve done.

“Good. Stay like this so I don’t lose all my hair, okay? My girlfriend says I’m going bald too young because of you all.”

Jackson chuckles at that and promises to behave, and just to make their manager laugh, too, he sends hearts with his fingers and do cute faces that make their manager snort.

The idol focuses once again on Mark and without much thought, he raises a hand to run his fingers through the hair of the sleeping boy, a soft caress that doesn’t awake him. 

For a while Jackson had been blocking thinking about the way Mark was making him feel, mostly because it felt too soon for him when things had just starting to change and he couldn’t deal with the idea of not hating Mark, when that was what he had been doing for so long. But time has gone by and aside from the regret that will never completely fade away, Jackson can finally contemplate his own feelings and what this mean.

Does he really like Mark? And what type of like? Is it as friends or romantic? They are finally getting along and it could be that because they kissed he might be confusing his feelings.

Okay, they kissed. 

Friends don’t kiss, so Jackson should once and for all deal with that. In that moment he was flustered and overcome with his own frustration and fierce emotions. He assumed he just got carried away, but is that really what happened? If any other person had kissed him in a situation like that, the normal thing would’ve been pushing that person away. If any of his member had done that, Jackson would’ve hit them for taking it too far. But when Mark kissed Jackson, he just kissed him back and got lost in that moment. That’s not something one does with a friend, and at that point they weren’t even friends.

If Jackson thinks about it he can only remember how much he liked kissing Mark, how he wanted more and more, to get closer and closer. That kind of feeling is something that entitles physical attraction, and normally, physical attraction leads to romantic feelings. Wouldn’t it be just normal that Jackson, after enjoying that make out session with Mark, ended up opening to a new type of feelings for the other idol?

Watching Mark now, Jackson seriously considers the option of liking the boy, and when he does, his heart immediately starts beating faster, his stomach tightens and it’s like there’s a lump in his throat. As the younger idol thinks about it he feels so drawn to Mark, and a desire to kiss him again starts bubbling in his guts. 

How would Jackson feel if he kissed Mark again? Would he enjoy it as much as that time? Would he want more? If he did, then it’d mean he actually likes Mark.

And what happens then?

One thing is figuring out his own feelings, but what about Mark’s? Yes, there’s a part in his mind that considers the option Mark could also like him back, based on his actions and that he doesn’t treat all the members the same. Moreover, it was Mark who kissed Jackson back then. It wouldn’t be crazy to consider the possibility.

And what happens then if Mark likes Jackson back?

Jackson lives for GOT7 and their fans, overworking himself just to stand on stage. Due to contract, they can’t date and should only focus on work. Obviously, that clause entitles dating someone from outside, that would cause them to risk being spotted. That clause is not applied considering the option of romance between members of the same band, so it’s kind of a loophole there. Still, dating requires time and secrecy. If Mark and Jackson were to date, they would never be able to share that not only because it’s forbidden but also for many, many other reasons. It would be a major scandal and it would be disastrous for their career. It could end it all, for all of them.

Dating is something really dangerous for any of them, so if it’s something that complicated, is it even worth it acknowledging his feelings if nothing can come out of that? Wouldn’t it be better staying in blissful ignorance?

Perhaps.

But as Jackson stares at Mark next to him and feels his heart racing, with his guts twisting in funny ways with the desire to pull the other idol even closer, he thinks that maybe it is necessary he embraces his feelings first and then decides what he does. Whether he tells Mark or not.

A voice in Jackson’s head tells him that the only way to really find out is by kissing Mark again, but his rational side knows that’s just an excuse, he doesn’t need to kiss the idol to confirm his feelings. And isn’t that confirmation enough? Looking for an excuse to kiss Mark is evidence he wants to kiss him, hence he likes the other idol.

Still, the best is to be sure and for that Jackson has to kiss mark. His rational side can shut up and let him do what he wants to do, without doing the whole I-told-you-so because that’s really unnecessary.

Jackson would kiss Mark in that instant just to give a closure to his thoughts, but they are in the van and their manager is right in front of them, so it isn’t the place. Moreover, Mark is sleeping.

With a smile, Jackson decides he’ll look for another chance later and confirm his feelings, and then figure out the rest of things that will come next. First things first: kissing Mark again.

Jackson would be lying if he said that the thought didn’t make him feel all giggly and excited.


	15. 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *grins* yes, this is the chapter. Enjoy it!

        Once Jackson’s made his mind, it’s hard not to just want to do it, go to Mark and just kiss him. It makes the idol so anxious and picturing the scene can almost bring him to a burst of giggles. Mark doesn't notice because he's too sleepy so he just drags his feet back inside the dorm while Jackson can’t take his eyes off of the other idol. When they make it inside their shared room, it’s the first time Jackson is actually excited and so glad they are still roommates.

The first thing Mark does is checking himself in the mirror, Jackson follows the idol’s movements as he sits on his mattress.

“Okay, I don’t have drool on my face or anything else so why are you staring so much?” Mark asks, turning around, confused expression drawn on his features.

And there goes the theory Mark didn’t notice Jackson staring.

“I’m just looking at you, that’s all,” Jackson explains with a little shrug, trying to make it look casual.

Yet Mark doesn’t seem to be satisfied with the answer because he only arches an eyebrow like waiting for the younger idol to confess so Jackson starts feeling the pressure. It’s not like Jackson is a coward and is afraid of voicing his feelings, it’s just that he has to remind himself to be careful. Everything with Mark is kind of unstable. They have just begun to be friends, Jackson hurt him so much before so it feels too hypocritical of him just confess now. Still, beating around the bushes isn’t Jackson’s style and that’s why the idol isn’t sure how to approach the situation.

“Come on, out with it, Jackson,” Mark pushes. “You have something to say, don’t you?”

“I guess I’m curious about something,” Jackson begins and Mark is evidently listening. “Like… mmm, so what if you like someone?” Mark’s expression immediately tenses and his eyebrows arch, but he doesn’t interrupt. “We are not allowed to date, although that doesn’t keep us from starting to like someone. My question is: is it good idea to tell that person how you feel if you can’t pursue a relationship? In the case that other person likes you back, of course.”

Talking about dating is a good idea to introduce the topic, right?

“Do you like someone, Jackson?” Said boy tries not to get intimidated by the question and pays more attention to the way Mark asks that, the inflection of his voice and the look in his eyes. Is there worry there? Jealousy? Hope?

But Jackson isn’t good at reading those details and can’t be sure, which really? It sucks.

“Perhaps,” Jackson answers, looking away.

“Well,” Mark continues, clearing his throat before saying the rest. “It depends. I can’t tell you to go for it just because you like someone. It’s a complicated issue and it affects all of us if any of us starts something. But if that person you _might_ like is someone trustworthy who will protect you instead of becoming a hindrance, then I’d tell you to be brave.”

Jackson stares at Mark knowing the idol is indeed someone trustworthy that will protect him no matter what, so the younger idol isn’t worried about that, at all. What worries Jackson is that Mark might not want the same.

“In your case, though,” Mark adds and Jackson blinks to focus on what the idol is saying and not just the man. “I don’t know how viable a relationship is. You are always so busy and we already barely see you. How would you manage that?”

“I guess I’d have to date one of the members only,” Jackson blurts with a big grin so Mark thinks he’s only joking, when in fact he’s trying to find out Mark’s opinion about it.

“That’d be killing two birds with one stone,” Mark agrees. “You get to see your significant other and work.”

“Very convenient, right?” Jackson continues and Mark starts smiling more comfortably, relaxing.

Instead of standing Mark begins to crouch to sit in front of Jackson and after realising Mark doesn’t seem to think it’s even absurd the idea of dating one of the members, the younger boy decides it’s a good moment to confess.

“I think I like you, Mark,” Jackson blurts out before Mark has even finished his movement, clearly surprising him so much that the older just drops to the floor with a loud thump, his eyes so wide and mouth agape.

“What did you say?” Mark stutters, frozen on his spot and Jackson feels his own cheeks heating.

“What you heard. I think I like you and a part of me thinks you like me back, after all you kissed me the other time. By the way, I can’t stop thinking about that, which is a big indicator that I most likely like you, but I can’t be sure yet. Just like I can’t be sure you like me back, which makes me very, very anxious. But you know me and I can’t just hold back when I feel excited and realising all these feelings makes me excited and that’s why I’ve been staring at you so much, because I’m finally accepting the possibility. You’ve been making me feel a whole mess for a while but I think I was in denial and didn’t even think about it until now and I’m rambling aren’t I? You are looking at me as if I lost my head.”

Jackson actually runs out of air after saying all that and he’s pretty sure it must’ve been hard for Mark to follow.

“No, no, it’s not that,” Mark speaks, but he still looks so shocked. “I just… it’s so out of the blue, that’s all.”

“Mmmm…” Jackson mumbles. “It feels like it’s been growing for so long so for me it’s not like that.”

“Really?” Mark asks and this time Jackson can read how his voice sounds faint, almost vulnerable.

“Well, yeah. I’ve never been indifferent to you and from the moment I stopped thinking I hated you it’s been really overwhelming. And you said it, even before I sounded like I liked you so I guess you were right.”

Jackson feels quite uncomfortable with Mark staring at him like that and he doesn’t know what to do with himself, so he just grabs the Squirtle plush toy just to keep his hands busy and use it as a kind of shield in case things go terribly wrong.

“But you’re not sure,” Mark adds and Jackson looks down. He’s almost sure, but there’s always a chance he might be getting confused.

“Oh,” the younger mumbles, feeling his stomach tied in knots and his heart racing.

“And what could give you that certainty? What do you need to be sure?” Mark asks next and when Jackson looks up to meet the idol’s eyes he is surprised with the intensity in Mark’s gaze. It makes the younger’s throat really dry.

“I-I- tho-though of you know… um… ki-ki,” Jackson stutters like a fool, but his heart is racing so much he has a hard time pulling himself together, and Mark is so expectant that it doesn’t help at all. “I-I thought that… um… that maybe… k-kissing you would… you know, help.”

Mark tilts his head like a puppy and Jackson wants to scream in that dramatic way of his when he’s overcome with embarrassment, but he doesn’t, he just waits for Mark’s reaction while his brain worries he might get a heart attack if his heart keeps beating like that.

“Would that help you?” Mark questions and Jackson can’t find his voice to answer, so he only nods. “I see…” Mark whispers, his expression changing and making Jackson very, very anxious. “Then we should make sure you’re certain about your feelings.”

At first Jackson doesn’t process what Mark is implying and not because he’s an idiot, it’s just that he’s too overwhelmed and normal things take twice the effort. And when he realises the implications of Mark’s words he’s a mess already, his guts are having a party at the beat of his erratic heart, the same that beats even faster when Mark starts moving, crawling closer to him. The younger idol just waits, squeezing his plush toy so hard, but he does nothing else. Mark is the only one moving and the one who actually takes the toy from the younger’s hands to put it aside.

By that point Jackson is already breathing hard. Hi breath hitches when Mark places his hand at the back of the younger’s head, his thumb softly rubbing against the skin behind Jackson’s ear. They are so close and Mark continues staring at Jackson as if expecting this will pull away screaming saying it was all a big mistake. Up this close Jackson can see the fear in the other man’s eyes. However Jackson only feels the eager desire to pull Mark closer, almost desperate to do so.

And that’s exactly what he does.

Pushed by his own feelings, Jackson is the one leaning in and closing the distance between the two, planting his lips firmly against Mark’s while holding in his hands the face of the older. For a heartbeat they just stay like that, static until it sinks in their heads they are kissing.

Mark is the first to move, tilting his head for a better angle and moving his lips for a proper kiss,  action Jackson follows effortlessly. At first it’s a soft and hesitant type of kiss because both are trying the waters, but with every second it grows surer and more ecstatic. Mark holds his weight with one hand, kind of hovering over Jackson but not really touching him aside from the other hand on the younger’s neck and their lips. It’s actually Jackson the one holding on to Mark, feeling how everything in him is bubbling and screaming in joy, so he just wants the older closer. He only wants more of Mark.

The hands Jackson used to hold Mark’s face move to the idol’s shoulders and end up grabbing his clothes, pulling him closer. As Mark isn’t in the most stable angle, just a bit of pressure from the younger makes him lose his balance, falling on top of Jackson. The action causes them to break the kiss and groan in pain as they collide, but none of the moves as they lie together on Jackson’s bed.

Mark looks down at Jackson, a little smile spreading on his lips before he asks: “Did that help you sort your feelings?” The grin on his face screams he knows Jackson is now sure.

To be honest, Jackson knew it already, he just needed an excuse to kiss Mark.

With a mischievous grin, Jackson replies, “I think I need more help.”

Chuckling, Mark only dips his head and complies, delighted to keep helping Jackson.


	16. 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy the fluffiness (:

A part of Jackson's head is whining, pouting and almost throwing a tantrum, telling him he’s the biggest idiot because he could’ve been this close to Mark for so long if he had only used his brain. Lying together in bed, tangled legs, hands that always move in the softest and most loving caresses, kissing and smiling as if the sun just came out. Mark looks so happy every time they pull apart and he stares at Jackson, always touching his face as if the older feared he was going to disappear. 

It’s blissful, being like that with Mark, his body buzzes with joy and excitement, it’s so warm and just _right,_ the way Mark feels next to him and Jackson prays nothing will ever take the older away.

The other part of Jackson is a giggling mess so it’s very hard to take it seriously.

"You haven't said much,” Jackson mumbles at some point when they pull apart again and Mark is just staring at him. “You seldom do but still, you haven’t even told me how you feel about all this and it makes me anxious because despite everything I’m still super nervous, after all I just exposed myself to you so it’s not like I’m terrified you know? It’d be really nice if you can actually say something.”

“Sorry," Mark replies in a whisper that makes Jackson’s throat close up. “I guess a part of me still expects this is a dream and I just don’t want to wake up so I hope that if I stay quiet, I’ll stay like this with you.”

“It’s not a dream,” Jackson reassures the other boy. “Want me to pinch you just to be sure?”

Mark actually laughs at that, rich and happy as he always does and Jackson can’t lie when he says he really feels butterflies in his stomach when Mark is like that. 

Happy Mark is Jackson’s favourite Mark.

“This is really happening, isn't it? You like me, right?” Mark asks and this time Jackson can see in the older's eyes all the fear and apprehension he himself felt before.

“Well, that’s what I said before and considering how I’m trying to come up with ways to stay always like this with you,” Jackson explains, wrapping his arms just a bit tighter around the other boy. “I believe it’s pretty evident that I like you very much.”

Jackson wants to say more in that moment, profess his undying love just because when he even says he likes Mark, this boy smiles in a way that’s just so beautiful. There’s so much joy and relief in his eyes, they shine with such pure honesty.

“If you don’t believe me, do you want me to pinch you so you can?” Jackson teases and it works to make Mark smile wider, chuckling and snuggling closer, hiding his face in Jackson’s neck and basically wrapping himself around the younger.

“It’s so hard to believe this is really happening. I had accepted you’d never want me back but now here you are, with me and I— I don’t even know where to begin. My hope was to at least be friends and now…”

“Now we can be boyfriends?” Jackson throws, just a chance ball. “If you want, of course. I’m not asking you out now but if you want maybe in the future or we can talk about that and why do you let me ramble? It’s embarrassing.”

“Because you’re cute,” Mark replies with such fondness it makes Jackson blush. “And do you really mean that? Being my boyfriend, I mean. Becoming a couple… I’ve—I’ve always dreamed of that but never thought it’d be possible.”

“If you feel the same way I do, then why not?”

“I don’t feel the same way, though,” Mark comments and Jackson tenses, his whole body cools down and it feels like ice has replaced his blood. Until that point it seemed obvious Mark felt the same way, he was speaking like he was! How can he say he doesn’t? “Saying I like you isn’t enough to describe how I feel about you, Gaga,” Mark continues and Jackson stops all whining thoughts. “Since I met you, you’ve been special to me. I was so drawn to you and I just… despite everything you did, I couldn’t stop feeling attracted to you. And it’s been years, Gaga. What I feel for you… I just…”

Jackson is holding his breath, even if he wanted to say something to light the mood, there’s no word in his brain. He’s just waiting for Mark to finish that sentence, his own heart racing and the butterflies in his stomach evolving like Pokemon would.

“I just love you, Gaga,” Mark finally finishes the sentence, his cheeks blushed and eyes vulnerable. In that moment, as he looks down at Jackson, exposing himself like that, the younger realises just how hard and fast he’s falling for his friend and band mate. 

Jackson can’t say he loves Mark, he’s just starting to explore and accept his feelings, but he’s just so glad to know how the older feels. It gives him such joy he is torn between burst out laughing in sheer delight or just kissing Mark senseless.

He opts for the latter, pushing Mark towards him and crushing his mouth against the older’s, fierce and demanding, euphoric and loving, reverent even. Mark kisses him back, holding on to him so tightly, fingers burying at Jackson’s sides, but that’s okay, it’s a reminder they aren’t dreaming and this is happening.

Not as carefully as they should, Jackson rolls until Mark is under him, but as it’s just a single mattress, that means Mark ends up half on the floor and half on the mat, with Jackson on top of him. Only for that they break the kiss, laughing at the failed attempt of passion.

“Are you okay?” Jackson asks, not really moving but making sure the boy under him is all right.

Mark continues chuckling, but he keeps his arms around Jackson, not wanting to let go either.

“I’m perfect,” Mark smiles. “Everything is perfect.”

Jackson smiles because he understand Mark does’t exactly mean the awkward position he’s in, but the situation itself, and that makes Jackson want to scream. And because Mark looks positively irresistible, so instead of doing something ridiculous, the younger only dips his head and goes for another kiss while trying to move Mark more onto the mat.

That until they get interrupted.

“Hyung, have you seen Coco’s brush, that one for the—” Youngjae is saying until he sees the two of them, boldly making out on Jackson’s bed. “What?”

Jackson and Mark don’t move much, just as if like that the predator couldn’t spot them, but they are making eye contact with a very confused-looking Youngjae who hasn’t even let go of the door knob and who continues blinking rapidly.

Neither of the involved idols say another word, and Youngjae spin on his heels and closes the door behind him, slowly and quietly while Jackson and Mark continue staring at that space the other idol was using until two seconds ago.

And then they hear it.

“HYUNG!” The piercing screaming that can only come from their main vocals, Choi Youngjae. “HYUNG!”

“I didn’t expect we’d been seen before I even properly ask you to be my boyfriend,” Jackson mutters, still not moving. “What do we tell them?

“That I succeeded at securing you after years and that we need to start a policy to knock before coming in a room?”

“That’s especially directed to Youngjae. The poor boy, always walking in the worst moment. Remember when he also walked in when Jaebum hyung and Jinyoungie were making out?”

“I’m afraid he’ll grab Coco and leave to somewhere he won’t feel so depressively single,” Mark laughs and Jackson does the same. “Let’s go?”

Jackson nods and stands up first, holding up his hand to help Mark who gladly take it, and without breaking the contact, they head out just to see Jaebum holding Youngjae and slowly patting the younger’s back.

“Why is it always me? I thought Jackson hyung was sick but they were just making out and why do I feel cheated? Is this reason for a divorce? Do I need to ask for full custody or do I have to share Coco with Jackson hyung, too? But Coco doesn’t like Jackson hyung.”

“Is it true?” Jinyoung asks when he, who was standing near their leader and Youngjae, sees them approaching, holding hands. The singer’s eyes are on Jackson and Mark’s entwined hands. “How did this even happen?”

“Maybe they both are feverish?” Youngjae supplies, pulling away and looking at Jinyoung with bright eyes.

“It’s not that,” Jackson speaks. “I just realised I like Mark and told him. And he feels the same way.”

“Yes, we all knew Mark hyung liked you, but when did you change so much?” Jinyoung asks and Jackson looks at Mark as if to confirm what Jinyoung had said. The older just shrugs and gives that sheepish smile.

Ahh, that’s why Jinyoung was so protective of Mark.

“It’s been a while since I started to notice it, I just finally accepted it,” Jackson replies. “You don’t oppose, right? You and Jaebum hyung are a thing so it’d be hypocritical of you if you did.”

“We won’t oppose,” Jaebum speaks then. “If you want to be together, you can, but you know how it is. You can’t let anyone know and you have to be really careful,” their leader continues. “And I think it’s better if you stop rooming together.”

“What?” Jackson cries, eyes wide and bewildered. “Why should we stop rooming together? We don’t have more bugs and we have organised our belongings and—”

“Gaga,” Mark interrupts him, pulling him a bit closer and willing him to relax.

“For the same reason Jinyoung and I don’t room together: respect to the other members. And to put boundaries in your relationship. It’s also healthier to have different spaces.”

Even if Jackson can understand what Jaebum is saying, he can’t help pouting because just now that things are great with Mark, they will move out and room with someone else? After so many years together?

“You’re right. With Youngjae we had considered before, as we have Coco so we thought it would be good,” Mark speaks and Jackson only pouts more. 

“Okay, then Jackson and I’ll room together,” Jaebum declared with a simple nod.

Jackson continues pouting, even after Jaebum takes Youngjae away and even Jinyoung leaves the living room, not without giving a cautious look at the new couple.

“Hey, it’s going to be better for us so don’t pout, okay?”

“I just… just now…”

“We won’t change rooms tonight,” Mark reminds him. “And we’ll still be living in the same flat so smile, okay?”

Jackson does, like a kid who’s promised candy after crying, and Mark replies with that beautiful smile of him before pulling Jackson for a hug. The younger steps in Mark’s arms happily, wrapping his own around the slim frame and sighing happily. He tells himself it’s okay, what matters is that they have cleared their feelings and are together, they don’t need to be joined by the hips now. Still, Jackson is greedy and can’t help wanting to, clinging to Mark. But Jackson will have to be satisfied with spending a to of time with Mark, just not all of his time.

It’s okay, they still have a lot of time ahead.


	17. 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Existencial crisis that translate in a block to write anything made me take so long to write this chapter. I'm deeply sorry. 여러분, 정말 미안해요~

Jackson can’t sleep, even if he’s tired and comfortable in bed, he just can’t sleep. For starters, Mark is just so close, a few steps away in his own mattress, almost at arm reach, but not as close as Jackson wants him to be. The younger can feel Mark’s scent so easily in the room, he can hear the older’s breathing, even and slow, evidently asleep. It’s like he’s hyper aware now and for that same reason he can’t fall asleep. Moreover, every time Jackson closes his eyes he has to war the flashbacks of the day or he bursts out giggling. He wants to crawl to Mark’s bed and just be next to the other idol, but that’s being too clingy and one has to have pride.

Turning once again in bed, Jackson finds a position that allows him to watch Mark on his own bed, the silhouette of his side covered with the duvet, breathing evenly. At first it’s just a shape but as Jackson’s eyes adjust to the darkness of the room, he can appreciate more details, like the fact Mark’s shoulders are showing and these are bare, which means he already took off his shirt while sleeping, his hair is a mess and he’s hugging the pillow tightly. Jackson pouts at that, wanting to be the one Mark is hugging instead of the pillow.

Trying not to be clingy is so hard when you are actually clingy and cuddly.

“Mark…” Jackson whispers, knowing that the other is asleep but still trying. “Markie…” But the older does not stir nor does he give any sign of waking up. “Hyung…”

Nothing.

A heavy sigh escapes Jackson’s lips as he rolls to lie on his back again, staring at the ceiling and bringing one hand to his chest. It still feels like his heart is racing, even after all the hours that’ve passed  and he just can’t sleep.

It’s so unfair that Mark is sleeping when Jackson only wants to cuddle some more. And because Jackson is moping, he doesn’t even realise he’s whining until he hears a groan coming from the other side. His head snaps in that direction and he can see Mark stirring.

“Gaga?” Mark asks with a hoarse voice, clearing his throat before he moves to sit and look at Jackson. “Why aren’t you sleeping?”

“I can’t,” Jackson replies honestly, not even hiding his pout. “How can you sleep? Just knowing you’re there gets my heart racing.”

Mark chuckles at that before replying, “I guess I got used to sleep with the temptation of having you so close.”

Jackson only whines at that, making Mark chuckle happily and clearly more awake.

“Fine, then come here,” Mark calls and Jackson can see how the boy pulls the cover aside in a clear invitation Jackson can’t refuse, so he crawls quickly to Mark’s side. Mark covers them again as Jackson cuddles up to him, wrapping each other’s arms around one another. “Better now?”

“Much better,” Jackson replies, snuggling closer to Mark.

It strikes him again then, that overwhelming feeling when he realises this is true, it’s not some weird dream or anything, he has Mark in his arms and everything feels so much easier. Living like he used to, hating Mark and making his life difficult was so exhausting and now it feels like he can properly breathe.

“This is really happening,” Mark mumbles then, like reading Jackson’s mind. “I didn’t dream it.”

“I was thinking the same,” confesses the other boy. “And I’m just so happy.”

“Do you think it’s going to be difficult? Being together?” Mark asks in a low tone and holding Jackson apprehensively. “Is it wise what we are doing?”

“I think it’s going to be hard at first,” Jackson replies, feeling Mark tensing. “I mean, I’ll have to share you to our _aghasaes_ and not get jealous when they hold your hand in fan signs and the like. I’ll have to control my jealousy when you have to do fan service with the others and try not to get in the middle and just claim you’re mine. Do you get an idea of how hard that is going to be?” Mark chuckles at that, happily and in that beautiful way of his that makes you smile no matter what, just because it’s such a happy sound. “Trying to keep it secret when I can’t get my hands off of you it’s going to be a constant battle.”

“You clingy,” Mark teases him and just to make a point, Jackson hugs the older tighter, wrapping himself around Mark like an octopus would do.

“Can you really say it won’t be hard for you act like we are not together when you know we are?” Jackson inquires, pulling back only enough to look at Mark.

“Of course not,” answers the older. “I’m finally allowed to have you like this, after longing for it for so long. I’ve had a taste of what’s being with you and I want that all the time,” continues Mark. “But if I want that, then I have to protect it so I’ll have to do it. Plus, it’s better than before when we acted like we were close and did all that, but once the cameras were off you pulled away and looked at me so coldly. At least now I know that when we stop acting like we’re just friends you look at me like this.”

Jackson feels bad for whining about it when it’s been so hard for Mark for a long time.

“I think we’re doing the right thing,” the younger adds, one hand coming to caress Mark’s face. “Even if it’s going to be hard, it’s going to be worth it.”

“Yes, it’ll be worth it,” Mark agrees with a beautiful smile before he pulls Jackson to snuggle closer, breathing deeply. 

Jackson doesn’t add anything else, just hugs Mark and lets his scent and warmth lull him to sleep. It’s a peaceful night they spend in each other’s arms, and they wake up as tangled as they fell asleep. Jackson wakes up first, smiling happily when he sees Mark’s sleeping face and the glorious mess that he is. He’s seen this many times, having roomed together for many years already, but this is the first time Jackson feels such a tingling and dizzying sensation when he looks at Mark still sleeping. Everything in him seems to cheer and coo at the sight and the smile comes effortlessly to his lips.

Jackson’s had other people before, people he thought he loved, but as he stares at Mark sleeping next to him he realises those feelings pale in comparison to the way Mark makes him feel now that he’s embracing his own feelings. It’s so powerful and unsettling. He feels like he’s falling and he can’t see the bottom, but oddly he’s not scared, he just accepts it and lets himself be, free falling.

“Do I have something on my face that you’re staring at me so intently?” Marks asks, his eyes still closed but he’s stirring and then pulling Jackson closer. “Don’t tell me it’s drool.”

“Just a bit, but that’s not why I’m staring,” Jackson says, rubbing the corner of Mark’s mouth with his thumb, making the older smile so amused, but still not opening his eyes. “It’s just that you look so pretty.”

“Gay,” Mark teases, snuggling a bit closer to the other idol.

“As a matter of fact, yes.” Mark laughs heartedly at that. “Your fault.”

“I take the blame for that,” comments the older, snuggling his face in Jackson’s neck. “What time is it? I don’t wanna get up.”

“I have no idea what time but it can’t be too late. The alarm hasn’t gone off and Jinyoung hasn’t come in running to kick us out of bed for being late and making his life difficult.”

“I don’t wanna get up,” Mark repeats, a whine actually.

“Me neither. I wanna stay like this all day!” Proclaims the younger, sounding more awake than he should.

In his own excitement, he rolls with Mark until the older is with his back on the mattress and Jackson hovering over him, smiling down at him in the most mischievous way. Before Mark can make his comment, Jackson dives his head to drop kisses all over the older’s face, making him giggle happily. Mark wraps his arms around Jackson’s waist, keeping him close and just letting himself be covered in kisses. Jackson loves the sound of Mark’s giggles, so happy and high pitched, the sound fills him with joy and pride, finally making Mark happy.

Jackson finishes his attack with one soft kiss on the lips, chaste and loving, pulling apart before anyone can get into it, and then just stares down at Mark, appreciating the view and rejoicing in the fact that the man under him is his.

“I love you so much,” Mark whispers, his eyes changing and looking at Jackson with actual devotion that makes the younger’s stomach flutter. “Please, don’t take back or realise later you just got confused.”

“I won’t,” Jackson promises. “I’m sure of this, Mark.”

Vulnerable, Mark pulls Jackson closer until the younger is lying on the other man, but even if the weight might be suffocating, the older doesn’t complain and just holds his boyfriend for dear life. Jackson doesn’t know what to say and how else assure Mark that he’s serious and he’s not confused or anything else, he can only place another loving kiss in his hair.

“I’m falling so hard for you, so you’re basically screwed, because I’ll cling to you and there’s no way you’re getting rid of me now. Your life is gonna be loud forever now. Accept it, embrace it.”

Jackson smiles when he hears how Mark chuckles at that, the hands on his back squeezing the fabric of his tank top.

“Okay,” Mark agrees in a whisper, placing a soft kiss in Jackson’s neck.

They would’ve stayed like that had it not been because the alarm finally goes off. Both grumble in disappointment, knowing they have to leave the bed to start with their schedule. But it’s their first day as a couple and it’s a bit exciting, sharing the same routine but in a different way, hiding what they are, maybe sneaking out sometimes to be alone and whatnot.

With that thought, they get up and do their normal routines, with the only difference that when they run into each other, instead of avoiding or just walking past, they stop to smile or steal a kiss. When any of the maknaes sees that they react the same: “Ew.” Which is entirely amusing for both Jackson and Mark, so they make a point not to mind the PDA in the van, just to annoy their maknae line.

“All our hyungs are dating, what do we do now?” Yugyeom laments as they are driven to their schedule.

“I’ll get a dog or I’ll get depressed at the dorm,” BamBam states with an expression that tells he’s already thinking of the breed and how to manage to get one.

“I already have Coco and I’m going to fight for full custody,” Youngjae adds, making Mark chuckle but not moving from his position with his head on Jackson’s shoulder, the younger’s hand on his thigh, patting softly.

“Don’t worry, babe,” Jackson says out loud, dramatising his overly sweet tone. “We can have our own kids if Youngjae is going to be a dick and take Coco from you. How many kids do you want? I’ll give you everything you want!”

Mark only chuckles while the maknae line just complain out loud, begging them not to be so domestic, please. Mark and Jackson only laugh, in that stage where everything is just so sweet and fun.


	18. 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GOT7 comeback got me hyped and I miss Jackson and I'm sure Mark missed him so muuuuuch too I cry. My babies. Anyhow, enjoy this cuddly chapter and let's hope Jackson gets well soon.

When they make it to the label and walk inside, Jackson wants to hold Mark’s hand and act like normal couples do on their first day, but even if they are within the secure walls of their company, they can’t. Instead, Jackson has to be satisfied with just walking really close to Mark, wrapping his arm around the older’s shoulders in a friendly gesture while just babbling about something. 

For the first time Jackson notices the way Mark stares at him when he’s talking. Given, the older has always been fairly quiet and when someone is talking the idol always listens and pays attention, although sometimes it seems like Mark is zoning out instead of listening. However, when Jackson is talking Mark stares at him as if the world has reduced to just Jackson, he smiles and his eyes seem to glow with devotion, he laughs louder that the joke calls for, and above all Mark looks just so happy to be next to Jackson, listening to him saying whatever stupid thing he’s talking about to make the others laugh. 

Noticing that Mark stares at him like that makes Jackson want to keep saying nonsense just to keep Mark all to himself, laughing heartedly and looking so happy. Mark has the most beautiful smile and he should always be happy, so Jackson will make sure that’s the case even if he has to look more like a fool. Moreover, if they are laughing then it’s not that odd they touch more, and Jackson will use any excuse he can get.

Still, all of Jackson’s jokes have to stop once they are back to rehearsal, meetings and the rest of things in their schedule because while they work all of them will focus a hundred percent to do their best. Only during breaks they can allow themselves to relax and fool around. 

When they have a break after practising the choreography to the point of exhaustion, Mark crawls (he literally crawls, too tired to even walk) to Jackson’s side, falling to his side and with his head on the younger’s lap, immediately closing his eyes and sighing content.

Jackson smiles fondly before his hand goes to the older’s head, fingers running through Mark’s hair in a soothing caress. Mark sighs deeper, curling a bit more, one hand possessively on Jackson’s thigh. The younger smiles while he continues stroking Mark’s hair, just loving the quiet moment between the two, just sharing soft skinship. The others around them are either dying or being loud, but with Mark it feels like they are in a small bubble for only the two of them.

“This is nice, I could really get used to it,” Mark comments softly, a bit louder than a whisper.

Jackson, who is just sitting on the floor, his back against one of the mirrors, closes his eyes and lifts his head, taking a deep breath. It smells like the sweat of hard work and the joy of burst of laughter, like the saltiness of frustration tears and the sour taste of fear. This space, so familiar for them, where they have spent so many years of their lives, that has witnessed how they grow and mature every day, evolving in a better version of themselves, now is witnessing the two of them finally being together. It feels peaceful and familiar, like home.

Yes, Jackson agrees. He could get used to this, having now Mark to crawl and cuddle after giving his all in every rehearsal.

“It’s nice,” Jackson whispers back.

“You think the fans will like this new comeback? The album?” Mark asks next.

In an industry as competitive as the one they are in, whether they’ll keep the support from their fans or disappoint them is their biggest worry. They work hard but pleasing everyone is impossible and the more fans they get, the harder it becomes. To make it worse, every time new artists debut, with powerful concepts and styles, striving for the best. Every day it gets harder as they grow older.

“I hope so,” Jackson replies. “I don’t ask to win every music show, I just want our fans to enjoy our hard work. If they are happy with what we deliver then that’s enough for me.”

“We’ve been consecutively doing better every time,” Mark ponders next. “It makes it hard to live to the expectations.”

“As long as we do our best, we shouldn’t have regrets, right?”

“Oh,” Mark agrees, curling a bit more into himself.

“Don’t worry, we’ll do well and our fans will like it and we’ll keep working together to get even farther. We’ve got each other’s back, don’t we?”

Jackson feels Mark nodding his head and that makes Jackson smile.

Just as much as he likes making Mark smile, Jackson also truly enjoys having deep conversations with the older. Being able to trust each other enough to share their worries and managing to reassure one another. That’s what a relationship is to him, not just the cutesy of being together.

Jackson starts to think how much better is to get together with someone you’ve known for a while, someone you’ve liked for a long time already. He and Mark have known each other for so many years and even if they didn’t get along at first, they still got to know each other. They roomed together for so long so now it’s just so easy to get comfortable around each other. It’s far better than starting a relationship with someone you don’t really know just because you’re attracted to that person. Getting together with the person you already love is far more beautiful.

The calm of their own bubble is suddenly burst when their maknae slides to their side, claiming Jackson’s other leg as a pillow.

“Yugyeom also wants love,” he cries out, like the big idiot he is. “You might be all lovey-dovey now but I’m depressively single and I need cuddles, too. Don’t be selfish and share.”

“Why don’t you demand cuddles from Jaebum and Jinyoung?” Mark asks, pointing to the other two idols that are also resting on the floor, Jinyoung’s head on Jaebum’s stomach while the leader strokes his significant other’s hair. Yugyeom ignores him so Mark now pushes the younger with his head, trying to get him off of Jackson.

“Because Jinyoung is more vicious,” Yugyeom replies, fighting to stay on Jackson’s lap. “And Jackson’s legs are better!” The kid adds, clinging to the other idol.

Jackson chuckles and nods his head because yes, his legs are better.

“But I don’t want to share Jackson!” Mark all but whines, sitting upright just to push Yugyeom away from Jackson, climbing over the younger as he continues pushing Yugyeom, but the kid puts resistance. Jackson watches them not doing anything, just laughing at their silly fight.

“Nooooo, I want love!” Yugyeom cries out, his hands keeping a deadly grip on Jackson’s leg.

Mark has to stand up and go to the other side, grabbing Yugyeom’s ankles to pull him and drag him away while the youngest idol keeps crying out in the most dramatic way. Jackson is laughing too hard, even more when Mark just drops Yugyeom’s legs and runs back to him, climbing on his lap and wrapping himself around Jackson like an octopus, looking over his shoulder to glare at Yugyeom.

“Mine,” he hisses and Jackson loses his shit, laughing so hard while his own arms wrap around Mark, keeping him secure on his lap.

Yugyeom whines on the floor, throwing a tantrum like a kid would while Jinyoung is laughing so delighted at the younger’s misfortune. Youngjae approaches the kid, crouching down to pat him sympathetically on the back. Jackson is still laughing, his face in Mark’s neck.

“I didn’t know you could be this possessive,” Jackson comments.

“There are other three members he can crawl for cuddles, he doesn’t need to come to cuddle _my_ boyfriend when I’m doing it,” replies the older and Jackson can’t help his smile.

“What about when you’re not cuddling me?” the younger teases.

“As long as I don’t see it then it’s all right, but if I see it then I’ll have to remind them of those videos I’ve collected for back mail.”

Jackson bursts out laughing, hugging Mark even tighter after such childish comments.

“Yet you’re still leaving me for Youngjae,” Jackson pokes, no real hurt feelings in his words or anything, just to tease Mark.

“And you’ll be rooming with Jaebum now and contrary to you, I’m not a cuddle addict. Well, when it’s with you I am but that’s not the point here. I know you’ll get all cuddly with Jaebum every night, you skinship maniac.”

Jackson can only laugh at Mark’s complaints and insults, finding it so amusing for some reason.

“Okay, enough with the cuddles session, let’s get back to work,” Jaebum reminds them, earning a collective groan from all the other members, including Jinyoung who’s now hanging from his neck.

“See?” Mark points out in a whisper, like sharing a secret. “He’s already getting in our way.”

“You are so cute, seriously,” Jackson comments, infinitely amused with Mark’s behaviour, kissing his temple in the most loving way.

Mark gives him one of those dashing smiles that make Jackson’s heart do a flip in his ribcage before he moves to stand up, not letting go of the older idol. Mark does a little yelp but only holds tighter to Jackson, afraid the other might drop him. With the older still clinging to him, Jackson walks to join the others.

“You two disgust me,” Yugyeom spits, glaring at the couple.

“This is just the beginning, get used to it,” Jackson threatens and truly enjoys the horror he sees in the youngest idol and the pleading look he sends in Jaebum’s direction, yet their leader only shakes his head as if he didn’t have the strength to keep dealing with these kids, which is probably the case.

But all the teasing has to stop as they need to dive back into the preparations for their imminent comeback. It’s easy to leave everything else behind and just focus on doing their best, and like that the few remaining days go by in the blink of an eye, between the last preparation, sneak peeks and the like. Jackson and Mark using every little break to be together and lean on one another.

Another period of promotions comes to them and they need all the energy they can muster for it, but Jackson feels a lot stronger to face this new step in their career. Having Mark in this new way is incredibly encouraging and refreshing. Just a hug after a long day can make him feel anew. A short nap leaning on each other and he feels recharged and ready to go on.

Jackson is ready to face the world now with Mark by his side, feeling stronger than ever.

The only thing he doesn’t want to do yet is changing rooms, reason why he keeps coming with excuses not to do it but no matter what, the day has to come where Mark and Jackson have to say goodbye to being roommates.

Yes, Jackson is sulking. Yes, he’s pouting but he has to do it. He’s just going to complain the whole time.


	19. 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait. Half of this chapter was done long ago and I got stuck xD

Jackson is on the floor, legs crossed and overdramatic pout on his lips while Mark pushes the last suitcase. It’s not even Mark’s suitcase, it’s Jackson, so the younger feels like he’s being kicked out and his boyfriend is the one doing that, so yes, he’s sulking. In his childish tantrum, he’s barely moved things, and when he’s done it, he’s complained the whole time. Jaebum went back to his room, fed up with his attitude, leaving all the moving to the new couple. Youngjae took Coco for a walk because he had taken all his belongings from the room already and was just waiting for Jackson to be done to put them inside the new room, which was taking longer than expected.

“Gaga, you’re acting as if you were moving back to Hong Kong, not to another room in the _same_ flat,” Mark comments, going to sit in front of Jackson, crouching down to be at the same level. “Do you have to be like this?”

“I don’t want to change rooms. We’ve spent so many years here,” Jackson explains. “Everything moves so fast, we are always running. This room is the most stable thing I’ve had since I began this journey.”

“Remember when all you wanted was to move rooms before?” Mark reminds him and Jackson clenches a hand over his chest, as if the older idol just stabbed him.

“Do you have to remind me of those dark times?” Jackson gasps, the betrayed look in his eyes worthy of an Academy Award.

Mark laughs heartedly. 

“It’s still the same home, Gaga, just a few metres closer to the bathroom,” Mark reminds him but Jackson still pouts.

“What if I miss you too much and I can’t sleep?” questions the younger idol as Mark sits in front of him this time, realising the conversation won’t be finished quite soon. Once he’s on his bum with his legs crossed, he reaches out to grab Jackson’s hands and hold them between his.

“Then you call me and I’ll go to you. I’ll cuddle you until your fall asleep,” Mark promises, giving Jackson’s hands a reassuring squeeze and some reassurance with the simple gesture.

“It’ll have to be on the sofa, because otherwise hyung is gonna get mad,” Jackson points out, causing a light chuckle to escape Mark’s lips.

“Okay, the sofa with many blankets,” Mark concedes and finally Jackson is smiling at the prospect. 

No matter how much logic he puts into the situation, he still wants to cling to Mark. He can’t get rid of the feeling he wasted so much time, and now with their busy schedule, especially his that takes him to different places, away from Mark, it makes him feel apprehensive, considering they won’t spend as much time together as they’d like. Jackson won’t have that certainty that Mark is right there, a few steps away from him and at reach. Yes, he knows Mark will be just in another room but well, excuse him for wanting to have his own space with Mark.

“Better now?” Mark asks so Jackson has to take a deep breath before answering.

“Yeah, I know I have to move out,” Jackson accepts. “I’ll miss you, roomie.”

To decide who would move out of which room they did a fair and unquestionable mature game: the ladder game. Turn out Jaebum won, he chose to stay, which meant Jackson had to move all of his stuff to the other room. Doing that has made him realise the insane amount of belongings he has and that he should seriously consider recycling.

“Come on, let’s finish taking your things to your new room,” Mark calls, rising to his feet and dragging Jackson with him.

Jackson makes himself heavy so Mark has to really put strength to lit Jackson, and the older isn’t weak in no way, but Jackson is just stronger so when the younger pulls back, he takes his boyfriend with him, making Mark trip and fall on top of him. 

“Trapped,” whispers Jackson, wrapping arms and legs around his boyfriend like an octopus would do.

“Gaga,” Mark calls out like a warning, but he sounds too amused. “Seriously?”

“Trapped, trapped, trapped.” Mark only laughs at Jackson’s antics and gives up, hugging him back.

“If we move your things now, I’ll give you a kiss,” Mark tries making a deal and Jackson stops squeezing to consider it.

“If I don’t, won’t you give me a kiss like ever?”

“That’s what I’m saying.” Mark’s repressed laughter is evident.

“Never ever?”

“Never ever!” Mark laughs.

“You cruel man!” Jackson dramatises, rolling to pin Mark against the floor and glare at him, but seeing the older with that wide and happy smile melts him and his offended feelings change immediately, and he can only smile like a lovesick fool. “Damn, you are so cute I can’t even get mad at you for bargaining your kisses.”

“It’s my charm,” Mark laughs and Jackson sighs in defeat. “So, are you accepting the deal or not.”

“Yes, yes, I accept. You tempting ball of cuteness,” Jackson gives up, making Mark chuckle happily.

Now it’s the older rolling to push Jackson against the floor again, surprising the younger a bit with the sudden of the movement. More surprised he gets when Mark just kisses him without a warning and not in the sweet way he thought it would happen when he accepted the deal. No, Mark kisses him hungrily and roughly, as if he is pouring in that kiss all the years of yearning he had to deal with. Jackson feels in the way Mark holds on to him how much he wants him. 

But at the same time he can feel how Mark is scared of letting go of him, the same apprehension he feels that a bit of distance can change the precarious balance they are just trying to accomplish. He can feel in the way Mark’s fingers burry in the flesh of his arms that he is holding on to him even if he’s helping him to move to another room.

Jackson obviously kisses him back, wrapping his arms tighter around Mark, making the older sneak his hands from his shoulders to his neck and bury in his short hair. And as they hold on tight to each other, the kiss grows hotter and more demanding, and it’s all Mark’s doing, he’s controlling the kiss and Jackson is just letting himself be guided.

But before things get to heated, Mark stops but he stays in Jacksons arms, his face in the younger’s neck as he breaths in and out, in and out. Jackson does the same, willing his heart to slow down with very breath as he keeps holding Mark.

“I’m also sad to let you go now that things are finally different for us, but it’s for the best. We need to respect the others,” Mark talks with his mouth in Jackson’s neck. “But I’m still afraid just changing rooms will change things between us when we are just beginning. A part of me still thinks that one day you’ll change your mind and—”

“Changing my mind wouldn’t change anything,” Jackson cuts in, making Mark look up to meet his eyes with a confused expression. “I don’t like you with my head, I like you with my heart. It took me so long to come to you because my head never caught up with my heart.”

“But what if—”

“Even if I change my mind and start thinking who knows what stupidity, my heart will still like you and want you.” Mark looks actually surprised with Jackson’s words. “My fear isn’t that my feelings or yours will change with a bit of distance, my biggest fear is that I’ll miss you too much.”

Mark chuckles at that, his expression relaxing a bit and smiling at Jackson.

“Actually, I think my feelings for you will only get stronger so be prepared,” Jackson warns him and Mark laughs so happily at that, delighted.

In that happiness he kisses Jackson again, short and sweet. They smile at each other for a while before Jackson just accepts he has to get moving.

Now it’s the younger standing up first and helping Mark, and then together carrying everything out of the room.

Just like Mark is helping Jackson, Jaebum helped Youngjae to pack all his belongings in a way that makes it easy to move it all to the other room. When the couple knock at Jaebum’s room, they are just lying around, Youngjae already back from his walk with Coco. Said dog, that up to that moment was following Youngjae around, barks loudly and runs to Mark, jumping and trying to be all over the place at the same time. 

Typical Coco.

“Now she can sleep with us,” Youngjae says with his sempiternal smile and Jackson pouts as Mark crouches down to pick the dog in his arms. Coco tries to bite him and lick him simultaneously. “She won’t feel lonely at night.”

“Gaga, don’t pout. Didn’t we go over this already?” Mark says with a roll of his eyes.

“You better sleep just with Coco. Youngjae can’t be welcome in your bed. Ever.” 

Youngjae burst out laughing when Jackson makes that warning, finding it extremely funny when the older idol is serious. His glare is proof of that seriousness.

Jaebum comes then and grabs Jackson’s shoulder, giving a tight squeeze.

“Stop being a jealous boyfriend and let’s get this over with,” the leader states and there’s no much else Jackson can say, things are how they are. He has a different roommate now.


	20. 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been with a horrid block of life! And with a lot of terrible things happening at home. I've lost loved ones, Dad was diagnosed with cancer… but things are settling. He got his surgery and things seem to be going well. I'm trying to find my centre again and I managed to write another chapter (and another short story in the middle, which I posted already). I apologise for the looooong wait, but it's been really hard for me. It's still hard, I'm just trying… I keep pushing forward. I hope you understand and didn't give up on this story just yet.

Jackson was totally overreacting, and yes, everyone knew it but still. Being in separate rooms with Mark isn’t terrible because they still spend all the time they are at the dorms together, which isn’t much to be honest. They stay in the common room or kitchen, or even in one of their bedrooms talking until one falls asleep, normally Mark.

But even if they do that, Jackson is most of the time too busy to even go home. Flying from China to Korea and back again, spending more nights in hotel rooms than in his own bed. All members of GOT7 are busy with the promotions, but Jackson always has something else in his agenda, and he isn’t the type to refuse a project when they come at him, always doing his best to make GOT7 more famous, knowing he is the one who can promote them in China.

Sometimes it’s just days away, yet some other times he spends weeks away from his second home, without seeing the faces of his members, sometimes not even having time to call, which makes Jackson’s heart heavy with longing and homesick feelings. 

His busy schedule gets in the way of dating.

Jackson had never had any issue with that before, as dating wasn’t really an option, his job was his first and most important priority. Now, dating is something he is doing and he cares about it, he cares about Mark and doesn’t like being apart for so long.

In addition, the young idol knows Mark worries about him and how much he’s working, the fact he sleeps a couple of hours a day, from one schedule to the next, with a few minutes to eat only and so tired that he doesn’t even have the energy to check his phone when he’s done. Jackson doesn’t want to make Mark worry, but he cannot refuse job offers either, and he hasn’t found a balance just yet.

But it’s not all bad. As Jackson works himself to the bone, it actually works for the best that he doesn’t have the time to FaceTime Mark when he’s away, like that his boyfriend doesn’t see his bare face and the evidence his routine has on him. But he cannot go that many days without seeing Mark so eventually he ends up giving in and forcing himself to stay awake a few more minutes to call his boyfriend.

That’s how he ends up, after five days without calling any of his members, sprawled on his bed, with low lights so Mark won’t notice the dark bags under his eyes or the way it seems his skin is glued to his bones, making his face look like a cartoon taken from one of Tim Burton’s films.

Sure that he doesn’t look half-dead but only half-asleep, he calls Mark, holding the gadget in front of his face and waiting for the other idol to show up on his screen. The moment that happens, Jackson is grinning widely, feeling his stomach tighten and his heart swell.

It’s been less than a hundred days since they officially started dating, but it’s felt a lot fewer days than that with how little they see each other. But even if they have gone in no real romantic date, or they have seen each other a total of, approximately, thirty days, Jackson’s feelings are as bubbly and sappy as anyone’s who’s just started dating. He cannot control his grins or the fluttering of his heart when he sees Mark, even if it’s only on his mobile screen.

“Gaga _~”_ Mark immediately singsongs, his voice cheery and his eyes delighted. The older idol looks beautiful, even in a low quality streaming that it’s still settling for a better connection, even if he has no makeup and he looks ready to bed. Mark is always beautiful. “ _Are you there? I can barely see you.”_

“I’m here,” Jackson’s replies, feeling the longing leaving a bitter taste in his tongue, but he pushes that down and just focuses on Mark. “I have a bit of a headache so I don’t want to turn on the lights.” That’s true, but not the full reason why he is in the dark, with only the nightstand lamp on. “It was a long day.”

“ _Are you too tired?_ ” Mark asks, his brown knotting with concern, even getting closer to his screen as if like that he could see Jackson better. “ _For_ _how many hours have you been awake?”_

“I took a nap while we were heading to the studio,” Jackson replies. “So it’s been only eight hours since I last sleep.” His smile isn’t clear to Mark so it doesn’t help to dissipate the other idol’s worry.

“Gaga,” Mark speaks, his voice higher and strangled. “ _You’re going to get really sick this time. You need to look after yourself and learn to say no to some offers. You cannot do it_ all.”

Jackson sighs. It’s not the first time they have this conversation and honestly he’s too tired to have a fight over it. He hates arguing and having people being upset with him, but sometimes it feels it’s actually out of his control. Like a snowball that keeps growing and growing and there’s no way to stop it now.

“I do reject some projects. I’m getting more and more offers every time and I’m not taking them all,” Jackson defends himself, looking away as if like that he could hide all the bullshit that he’s saying.

He knows. He truly knows he’s pushing himself to the limit and beyond, but he honestly cannot stop. Jackson gave up something very important for this dream so he cannot be lousy or take it for granted. Fame and success are ephemeral, tomorrow all that might be gone so he needs to give his utmost best to make it last _now_.

“Jackson,” Mark’s tone is serious and void of amusement, so Jackson cringes. He hates being scolded for the same thing over and over again.

“I know, I know,” he cuts Mark in before he can expand on his scolding. “But I’m all right, I swear. Just tired. I’d be sleeping now, but I wanted to see it to sleep even better and have sweet dreams. Is this how to repay my sacrifice?”

His strategy to change the topic works, Mark’s concerned expression softens and he’s smiling again, fond.

“ _I’ve missed you a lot. When are you coming back?”_

“Just two more days and I’ll be done with everything here. I need to get back so we can prepare for the next comeback.” Jackson chews on his bottom lip, excited at the idea of going back home. 

Funny how he’s in his home country and closer to his parents, but going back to Korea also feels like going back home.

“ _We are supposed to have a day off next week, on Thursday. Did you schedule something else on that day?”_ Mark questions and it honestly takes too much effort for Jackson to remember his schedule. There are so many things, it gets blurry in his head.

“I’m not sure, I’d have to ask Joon hyung. Why? Are you making plans for a romantic escapade?” Jackson asks in a teasing tone, wiggling his eyebrows even if Mark cannot properly see him doing that.

“ _Actually…”_ Jackson has to bite his lips together not to grin too wide when he sees Mark blushing on the other end, looking away, clearly embarrassed. “ _I just thought it would be nice, you know, having a date. I’ve been thinking where to go so we don’t get recognised and we can enjoy our time_ together.”

Jackson understands why Mark makes such emphasis in the last word. Dating in secret means acting as a couple only at the dorm and when they are having a break in the company. If they leave the four walls of any of those places, then they can only act as friends, usually having another of the members as buffer so fans don’t get too suspicious if they hang out too often just the two of them.

Even if they are dating, Jackson and Mark cannot hold hands outside, or wear stupid couple items, or have a sappy date by the Han, even if it’s freezing cold already.

Jackson also wants to have at least one ordinary date, but that’s not possible, but he understands Mark is trying to find a way.

“I’ll ask Joon hyung about it, but if all of us are having a day off then, I’m sure he's made sure to keep it off for me, too. He nags me as much as you do to take it easy,” Jackson mocks him, sticking his tongue out very childishly. 

Joon hyung, his manager, really nags him to slow down a bit. He begs at times, saying he also misses his girlfriend and wants to see her, even if it’s for one hour.

Joon hyung also deserves a day off.

“ _I’m glad he does! You never listen, even if you have a chorus of people telling you to sleep,”_ Mark huffs, making Jackson chuckle sheepishly. “ _I swear that if you end up in the hospital for overworking I’m gonna break up with you.”_

Jackson gasps, offended that Mark is making such threat.

“How childish, Markie. I thought you were the older one,” Jackson rolls his eyes, not really believing what the other idol says, but mildly annoyed Mark is using such tricks to keep him in line.

“ _I mean it, Jackson. People die due to overworking! I don’t want to see you sick again if there’s something you can do to avoid it, like you know, having enough hours to rest and eat and sleep!”_

Jackson can see how Mark is getting agitated again so he knows he needs to calm him down and change topics again. He won’t get sick or have an accident again, he is fine. What is so different from what other idols do? Jackson doesn’t know of any other idol that has died due to overworking.

“I’m fine, I’ll be fine, Mark. Calm down,” Jackson pleads, his voice softer, wishing he could cross the screen and give Mark a hug to help him feel at ease. “I won’t die and I’ll go back soon and we can have our date, which by the way, you haven’t told me anything about it. Where are you planning on taking me? In a level of one to all-my-toes-have-curled, how corny is it going to be?”

Jackson is great at changing topics.

_“All your toes and fingers are going to curl level of corny.”_ Mark chuckles, expression a bit softer again. _“I want us to have a picnic so we can relax and play games or whatever. I’m thinking we could rent a tandem bike. Then for dinner, a reservation in a fancy restaurant with view to the Han. How corny does that sound?”_

_“_ Like it’s going to give me cavities,” Jackson laughs, turning to his other side because his arm has gone numb. “I can’t wait.”

“ _Me neither…”_ Mark agrees, but then his expression falls and Jackson realises too late why. Until then, he was talking with his back to the lamp; now the light illuminates his face and Mark can see how haggard he looks.

The concern is back full force.

“Gaga… _”_ Mark whispers, looking heartbroken.

“I’m just tired, babe,” Jackson hurries to reassure him. “No need to look about to cry. I’ll go to sleep and tomorrow I’ll look as pretty as usual,” he adds, cupping his face and using _aegyo,_ hoping to distract Mark again.

Mark sighs, accepting defeat, apparently, because he doesn’t nag or anything, he just looks incredibly sad when he says: “ _Go to sleep_ , Gaga. _I’ll see you in a few days.”_

_“_ Goodnight, Markie,” Jackson smiles and Mark does the same, but it’s not his happy and honest smile, Mark’s smile is darker and tainted with worry as he bids him goodnight. 

Jackson goes to sleep with guilt making his chest feel tight and heavy.


	21. 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wrote a lot lately, I'm trying to finish this story before staring this other JJP that I have stuck in my head. I have the following two chapters of this story written and I'm becoming constant again with my writing habits so yay! The problem was, after a big storm we didn't have electricity or reception for five days so I couldn't update despite this being ready. 
> 
> Anyhow, I hope you enjoy this super mega fluffy chapter and the next one will come really soon.
> 
> Oh, and my father is recovering great from surgery and continuing the cancer treatment. Thank you for your good wishes.

Jackson is so relieved to be back in Korea and with a promising day off ahead. When he asked Joon hyung he told him that Jackson did have schedule on Thursday, but he only need to beg a bit for his manager to agree to do his best to reschedule, after all the man also wanted a break from Jackson’s unstoppable activities. Thankfully, the man had managed to reschedule everything; it was going to be more exhausting, but having that day off to spend it with Mark was worth it, of that Jackson was sure.

Exhausted, he followed his manager to the van and dozed off in it until he was told they had made it home. Thanking his manager and wishing him to have a good night sleep and to enjoy his girlfriend, Jackson got out the van and made his way to the lift, dragging his suitcase with him. The sound of the little wheels against the asphalt had become such a common lullaby for Jackson, to the point he could differentiate from his old suitcase because this one had a funny noise in one of the wheels when he turned right.

His exhaustion starts to be pushed to second place when the excitement to be back home kicks in as the numbers on the panel of the lift change, telling him he’s getting closer and closer to their dorm. He texted Mark when he got in the van telling him he’d be home very soon, he just had to wait a bit more, that’s why Jackson was grinning as he entered the passcode, imagining Mark at the other side, waiting like Coco when they came back after a tour in some other part of the country.

To Jackson’s surprise, when he opens the door there’s no one inside, only Coco waging her tail and barking at him as a greeting. Jackson examines his surroundings, his eyes trying to find any of his mates around to welcome him, but there’s none and it feels oddly cold.

“I’m ho—”

Jackson doesn’t get to finish his call when someone, literally, jumps on his back, scaring the living days out of him. Jackson shrieks and tries to move to get his assaulter off, but as he’s at that, the young idol hears the high pitched giggles he’s missed so much and his body stills, recognising Mark on his back before his boyfriend kisses his cheek from behind.

“Welcome home,” he singsongs, still on Jackson’s back. The younger wraps his arms around Mark’s legs to keep him in place and tilts his head to meet his eyes, in an uncomfortable angle but still successful. Mark’s eyes are glowing and his smile is so precious Jackson feels he’s falling in love all over again. “I missed you.”

“I missed you, too,” Jackson replies, puckering his lips for a welcome kiss Mark is most happy to provide. “Where are the others, by the way?”

“Oh, in their rooms. They said they’d stay there until I was ready welcoming you because, I quote, ‘we are in no mood to witness you two being gross and all clingy, thank you very much.’” Mark giggles happily at that, his tone sounding a lot like Yugyeom’s so Jackson joins him. “I’m supposed to let them know when we stop being gross together.”

“And when is that happening?” Jackson asks, fondness making his heart feel bigger in his ribcage.

“Not yet,” declares the older, tilting his head to peck Jackson’s lips repeatedly, causing the younger to chuckle between short kisses. “Okay, now we’re done,” Mark finally states, but Jackson is not letting him go when he steps forward, heading to his friend’s room. 

Just to mess with the maknae line, he goes to Yugyeom’s and BamBam’s room, still carrying Mark on his back, the older incredibly amused, giggling softly as he clings to Jackson with legs and arms.

“Hyung!” Yugyeom cheers, the first to notice him when he opens the door. “Eiii, we said to let us know when you stopped being gross.”

“This is basically childish, not gross,” Jackson points out. “But when I do this, it’s gross for you,” he continues, turning his head to steal a kiss and making Mark giggle again, especially at the chorus of ‘ewww’s that come after.

Chuckling, Mark finally slides off Jackson’s back, allowing the younger to greet the others properly, excusing himself saying he’ll get the younger’s suitcase in his room in the meantime.

After that is back to normal, greeting and catching up with his friends, handing in the little things he brought for them while he waited in the duty free, telling Mark Jackson’s parents are now aware of their relationship and approve of it, saying that it was evident Mark made Jackson happy and that’s all what they needed. They send their best regards, too.

For that night, Jackson and Mark sleep on the sofa while cuddling and catching up, the younger telling him all about what his parents said and talking about telling Mark’s parents soon. The older believes his parents will also support them and be happy for them, Mark’s mother actually aware of her son’s long unrequited feelings for Jackson.

For the rest of the week they have their normal activities and when Thursday come, everyone is excited for their first day off in a long time, however the more excited ones are Jackson and Mark. Indeed the old has planned their first date, and BamBam and Yugyeom have offered to help, going out very publicly to distract the fans and media. 

The couple leave at the break of dawn, in a car Mark rented with some bikes to indeed go for a ride. The older sets the address on the GPS and off they go, to a park he found that was away from Seoul, less than two hours away, but the drive is worth it because it’s practically empty on a Thursday morning. They get out all what Mark prepared for their picnic that he barely let Jackson help. 

In a happy mood, they set everything, including the tent they brought because it’s cold, so they’ve brought many blankets and hot packs to keep themselves warm, even Mark’s iPad with their pocket wifi to watch movies if they so desire.

They start having breakfast together, Jackson pouring each other cups of warm soup they brought while Mark opens the containers with food he prepared. They eat while keeping casual conversation, Jackson making Mark laugh so happily, in that way that’s intoxicating and that makes him want to keep saying stupidities just to keep Mark laughing like that.

Before going for a ride, they lie in their tent with warm cups of coffee, staying close to one another, covered with a blanket. Mark starts asking more details of his last trip to China, details that make Jackson realise he’s checking on him and his habits, frowning or even wincing when Jackson gives details that clearly unsettle him.

Jackson’s health is their most often topic of arguments. It’s never a fight like it was before, there’s no bite in their words or annoyance, definitely no hatred; these arguments are due to utter concern and love, and for the same reason they actually hurt Jackson. Seeing Mark’s concerned gaze, the pleading look to please look after himself, break his heart.

When Mark cups his cheek with his long and bony fingers, gently as if he were afraid Jackson could break, his eyes trembling with fear as he whispers, ‘Please, _Gaga_ , be more careful.’ Jackson’s heart sinks. 

As much as he loves making Mark laugh like a hyena, he hates the worried and scared look he puts in his eyes. However, he hates even more that when he promises he’ll be more careful, Mark’s expression says he doesn’t believe him, and Jackson knows it’s totally his fault.

To change the mood and try to make Mark smile again, Jackson proposes to go for that bike ride Mark proposed. The older didn’t get tandem bikes but it still works. They follow the path slowly and with tentative smiles, enjoying the wintery scenery. A cold day with a sun so bright that gives Mark’s smile a run for its money, but Jackson thinks his boyfriend’s smile wins, always. After a while, they start getting more into it, racing, laughing manically again and enjoying their time together without a care someone might recognise two fools.

The rest of the date goes as planned and sappy as promised, going back to Seoul for a dinner date in a fancy restaurant with a gorgeous view to the Hangan, where they can’t stop smiling at each other and enjoying the high quality meal.

Their date is perfect, they go back home tired and rejoiced, and Jackson wishes they could spend more time like that. For a second he wishes they weren’t idols and just normal people to have dates like this one every other day, but then he realise had they not become idols they would’ve never met and fallen in love.

One perfect date like that is enough once in a while, it makes them the more special.

But another chance for a date like that doesn’t come until the next year, after Seollal and exactly for their one hundred days’ anniversary. Honestly, they worked extra hard to get that day off so they could spend it together.

Cold January made them stay home alone the two of them, Jackson cooking lunch for Mark with all his heart, trying his best to make a nice meal for the two. It cannot compare with a professional chef, but Mark is happy and praises him wholeheartedly.

In the afternoon, they go for a drive in a rented car again (Mark is seriously considering buying his own car) until they get to a beach on Incheon to watch the sunset together, and at that time, they exchange presents. Jackson gets them couple rings they will not be able to wear at the same time or even in the same fashion, but they’ll have it. Mark will keep in hanging from his neck and Jackson will wear it as a proper ring.

Mark gives him a song he composed only for Jackson and no one else to hear, where he expresses his feelings for Jackson, his gratitude that things turned out like this and his overwhelming happiness that consumes him every time he remembers that it’s true, Jackson loves him back.

The song makes Jackson cry.

That cold evening, while they watch the night sky on the beach, holding each other, Jackson vows to always make Mark happy and love him wholly so he’ll never doubt his feelings and will always feel like in his song.

But even if Jackson wants to make Mark always happy, he cannot control it all, and the wreck train that had already lost control a long ago in his life was bound to crash any moment.


	22. 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished writing the whole story, it has 25 chapters so no more indefinite wait between chapters!  
> Oh, and say hi to the climax of the story. It's loosely based on actual events and my memory of those days xD not reliable really.

February is exhausting with the preparations for their new comeback, their third album in the Flight Log trilogy, a very important closure for a project that’s helped them as a band to find their identity and that sound that makes them comfortable.

Jackson is so focused on doing his best for this comeback, showing everyone GOT7 are a good group and they’ll keep climbing, becoming better versions of themselves. He works extra harder to nail the choreography of the different songs they’ll perform at the showcase, and master his rap so he’ll never get wrong. He does his best to hype the fans when March comes and their comeback date approaches. He’s so excited he doesn’t listen when others tell him to slow down a bit, not even Mark. He wants GOT7 to do even better for this promotion period, to beat all their records.

As a group they are obviously under pressure, but Jackson is adding more to it, going over the limit in his attempt to give their fans the best. All of their Ahgases are precious to him and he wants to give them so much to thank them for allowing them to do what they love most. Jackson knows without fans there would be no GOT7, and he’s working extra hard in order not to disappoint them.

The idol is warned many times he’ll drive himself to the hospital if he continues like that, but Jackson deems them as worrywarts, he is _fine,_ he’s just really excited and working hard. But maybe, he should’ve listened to them.

It’s just a few days before their comeback when they are having a fan meeting. Jackson woke up that day more tired than usual, although he assumed it was because he slept three hours only. During the event he feels his head stuffy and his body made of lead, and he assumes it’s because he skipped breakfast. When he starts feeling queasy he assumes it’s because the lunchbox had gone bad and something must’ve upset his stomach, but as it’s getting harder and harder to focus on _anything_ , Jackson considers there _might_ be something wrong with him.

He feels dizzy, his head is spinning and he feels cold to the bone. He stands up and everything goes black, he cannot see _anything_ and it feels like his body is falling in every direction at the same time. The screams and hullabaloo around him are just a soft buzz in his ears as his vision returns, blurry and moving, and he ends up on his knees.

Jackson feels hands grabbing him from his shoulders, probably screaming his name but he cannot hear anything, he’s just blinking, trying to see what’s in front of him. He isn’t given time to actually succeed when he’s being dragged somewhere else, making things worse because it’s like everything inside Jackson is spinning and he feels like all his organs want to escape his body. 

Jackson is throwing up before he even realises he’s doing that, his body trembling but it feels foreign, like he’s not really _in_ his body and that’s such a terrifying thing.

He lifts his head when he stops, searching everywhere, desperate to get anything into focus and find Mark, but he cannot distinguish anything and the nausea comes back, stronger, making him convulse and just completely lose it.

Jackson doesn’t remember what happens after that, until he wakes up later, much later, in a hospital bed. He’s relieved he can actually see when he opens his eyes, taking notice of his surroundings. It’s a single room, but he’s not alone. Joon hyung, his manager, is at the corner, head low and hands on his back as J.Y. Park evidently scolds him.

“How could you allow him to drive himself to that point?! How did you not know he was doing so badly? You’re supposed to take care of him!” The older man exclaims in hushed voice, clearly trying to keep it quiet so Jackson doesn’t wake up.

“I’m so sorry,” Joon hyung mumbles, bowing in ninety degrees, making Jackson feel even worse because it’s not Joon’s fault. It’s Jackson’s fault, utterly his fault.

Jackson shuts his eyes close again to swallow the guilt, an echo of many people telling him to stop, to slow down, drilling at his head. He feels nauseous again, his body becoming cold. He wants to groan in discomfort, but then he feels a hand squeezing his clammy one and Jackson opens his eyes again, turning to the other side, to find Mark with teary eyes watching him.

“ _Gaga_ ,” he whispers, his voice breaking and Jackson wants to scream and cry at the same time, wailing because Mark looks like that, heartbroken and exhausted, devastated and scared; Jackson caused all that. “You’re awake.”

_No,_ Jackson wants to say. He doesn’t want to be awake and see that he’s caused Mark to look like that. His head provides him with the information that it mustn’t be just Mark but many other people, worried sick for him.

“Jackson,” someone else calls at his other side, and he turns just not to see Mark’s eyes welling up with tears, his eyes that are already bloodshot. “Ah, it’s a relief you’re awake. How are you feeling, son?” The man that’s like his father in Korea asks and Jackson wants to cry more.

“I’m better,” he lies because he feels like shit, but that’s due mostly to his guilt.

“You gave us a scare,” the man continues and Jackson presses his lips together, his eyes scanning from right to left, from Joon to Mark.

“I’m sorry,” he says with a shaky voice.

“You should be,” J.Y. Park condemns. “But that’s in the past. You have to recover now and I’ll have to keep a closer eye on you. I can’t allow this to happen ever again to any of my kids. I’m sorry I didn’t stop you and noticed you were doing this.”

Jackson hates other apologise for his reckless behaviour, for his stubbornness.

“Wh-what happened?” Jackson asks, dreading to know exactly what he caused himself, but needing to know, as well.

“Aside from overworking yourself,” the older man starts and Jackson feels Mark squeezing his hand tighter, but he doesn’t turn to meet his eyes. “You are once again malnourished, with anaemia and a stomach ulcer due to stress. With your immune system also in bad condition, you got a bad virus as well, but nothing too threatening. You’ll have to stay in the hospital for a week and we’ll see how long until you reunite the others for promotions. Let me be extra clear about this, Jackson, you won’t back until you _fully_ recover, do you get me?”

Jackson gulps but nods his head, not daring to even complain _now_ about it. He’ll try to persuade him later, when he’s well and recovered. For now, he has to swallow the bitter feeling and accept he will have to leave his friends to do the comeback without him, and he’ll have to absent for a long period of time because he neglected his own health.

His fault. It’s all his fault.

“I’ll have to take my leave now, but I’m glad you’re awake. I’ll call the doctor on my way out,” J.Y. Park tells him and Jackson nods, closing his eyes and missing how the older man turns his attention to the other idol. “Mark, you can’t stay over. You do have to prepare for the comeback and I don’t anyone else getting sick. Jackson is fine and he’ll recover.”

“Yes,” Mark replies but he sounds reluctant, even Jackson can tell.

“Joon, come with me,” the older man requests, patting Jackson’s shoulder affectionately before walking out, with the other man following him, and leaving the two idols alone.

Jackson refuses to open his eyes and look at Mark, even when he feels the older squeezing his hand, clearly trying to get his attention, but Jackson feels so guilty he cannot bear to meet his gaze and confront the consequences of his actions.

“ _Gaga please,_ look at me,” Mark begs and it breaks Jackson in ways nothing of what he was told he has did. 

Reluctantly, Jackson opens his eyes and turns to look at Mark, his heart beating heavy and wary, and he gulps at the broken expression he sees on the older.

“I… I don’t want to… not now but… Jackson, why?” Mark mumbles, struggling to speak and control his own emotions. 

Jackson can read Mark doesn’t want to argue and fight now, but he’s worried and probably angry and disappointed, and he doesn’t know what to do to fix that.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, feeling his throat closing up. “I just… wanted to do a good job. I wanted our fans happy and impressed. I wanted us to do _so_ well.”

“At your health’s expense?” Mark retorts, his voice higher, his grip on Jackson’s hand tighter. “It wasn’t _only_ your job, Jackson. All of us were working hard, but none of us drove ourselves to the hospital with _stomach ulcer!_ ”

Jackson winces at Mark’s angry tone, but it hurts him even more seeing the expression of his boyfriend, the utter fear in his eyes. 

“You suddenly collapsed and wouldn’t hear anyone, throwing up and then passing out. You scared the living days out of everyone. I couldn’t breathe as I held you unconscious, Jackson! Do you understand what happened? In front of all the fans _you_ were working so hard for?”

Jackson tries to imagine and he feels so disappointed in himself for driving himself into this situation.

“I was terrified, Jackson.”

“I’m truly sorry, Mark. I didn’t meant to—”

“But you knew this would happen!” Mark cuts him in, raising his voice again, tears falling in this occasion. “I begged you so many times to take it easy, to slow down, to _care_ about yourself, too. But you didn’t, you never listen and do what you want, ignoring your limits and thinking you are beyond the point of breaking. But you aren’t Jackson, you’re human and you break down. You broke down!”

Jackson looks away, so ashamed, and that makes things worse because Mark releases his hand to bolt upright, pacing.

“Why is succeeding more important than your health?” Mark asks feebly and when Jackson turns to look at him, standing a few metres from him, his own heart breaks all over again at the sight of his crying boyfriend.

“I’m sorry,” is all Jackson can say and is not nearly enough.

“I don’t want to make you more upset and keep fighting,” Mark states then, wiping his tears and taking deep breathes. “I’ll steep out and cool off. You need to get more rest.”

“Mark, don’t go,” Jackson begs, knowing he cannot let Mark go when he’s feeling so hurt like that.

“Get some rest, Jackson. You need it,” Mark states coldly, ignoring Jackson’s request, squaring his shoulders before turning on his heels and walking away.

Jackson’s tears start falling at that exact point.


	23. 23

Mark doesn’t return that day, or night. The only person by Jackson’s side is Joon hyung, who is apologetic and it makes it all worse because Jackson _knows_ it’s only his fault, he’s the only one supposed to look after his health and know his own limits, not others. Moreover, _everyone_ told him to stop, to be more careful. They did his part, Jackson failed.

The physical pain is nothing, really, because he’s given painkillers and all sort of vitamins and whatever else his body needs, he doesn’t even need to care about eating or drinking, the nurses are keeping an eye on all those things. All what Jackson is left to feel and worry about is the pain in his heart, in his soul. There’s no medication that will take the guilt away and he’s sure as hell no one will allow him to get even near a shot of soju.

Too late Jackson realises his mistake and how hypocritical he’s been all this time. With his organic diet and caring about all that, nagging everyone else to look after their health and careful not to catch colds and whatnot, when he never applied the same care to himself. What was the use of making sure all he consumed was organic if he took his body for granted?

He has learnt his lesson, that is for sure, but the he has hurt many in order to do when if he had been a bit more humble and sensible, all the heartache, disappointment and worry could’ve been spared. 

“I’m sorry, hyung,” Jackson mutters, curling to one side, not facing the other man because he just can’t bear meeting his eyes. “You got in trouble because of my stubborn ass.”

“Don’t apologise. I should’ve stopped you, I know this would happen but I allowed you to continue.”

Jackson curls more into himself, hating all this. He’s literally being regarded as a kid, as if he was _incapable_ of doing it himself. Well, he had shown everyone he wasn’t capable of such.

“I’m sorry for being a stupid kid,” Jackson mumbles, covering his face with the sheet, wanting to disappear. 

“It’s okay, Jacks,” Joon continues and the idol hears the steps approaching before he feels the hand on his shoulder, patting gently. “If you are sorry, then make sure to get better and never work yourself to the ground.”

Jackson sighs deeply, nodding faintly as he whispers a soft, “Okay.” Honestly, that’s all he can do, there’s no other way.

Past midnight Jackson is still awake, with his headphones listening to music, careful not to awake Joon that has decided to stay for the night with him. The idol spends hours seeing the reaction of the fans, their wishes for Jackson’s speedy recovery. Every time he sees one hashtag wishing for him to get well, Jackson feels worse, consumed by guilt.

Through the night, Jackson barely sleeps and the nurses realises he looks even more exhausted, so they give him something to help him fall asleep, and that’s how he spends most of the waking hours of the day, missing the visit from his friends, only learning they dropped by much later when he wakes up for dinner, when the rest of his group is getting ready for the showcase. His mood doesn’t improve as he just keeps thinking how he should’ve been there, with them, instead of a hospital bed. Now there’s an empty spot on the stage, because he was stupid.

It seems self-loathing has become a constant companion of his.

Jackson watches the broadcast of the showcase on the _V Live_ app, hearing the screams of the fans and watching the six boys, performing without him, the songs he rehearsed _so much_. All that effort, all to waste because he’s not _there_ , where he was aiming to. If only he had just listened.

Regret is his other constant companion.

Even if he can’t join them, Jackson is overcome by a sense of pride and joy when he sees his friends, nailing song after song, giving their all to show their fans their latest work. The fans scream loud and empowered, and that’s the sweetest melody for Jackson, seeing that green sea of _Ahgabongs_ … their baby birds, always so powerful and loud.

Jackson is smiling happily as they start introducing themselves and giving a little speech, feeling a lot better since he got to the hospital.

Until it’s Mark’s turn to speak.

Mark, his beautiful and lovable Mark, with teary eyes, speaks of how sad they are without Jackson, he apologises in his behalf and promises the other idol is working on getting better. Jackson can see how the emotions want to take better of the older, so he focuses on another aspect. 

“Every time we have higher and higher expectations of what we do, but we realised now and agreed we wouldn’t do that anymore. We won’t have expectations and just do this for all of you to enjoy, without pressure.”

Jackson understands Mark is looking after everyone when he says that, not just Jackson. They all asks of themselves too much, pushing themselves too far. Next time it could be another the one to end up in the hospital due to trying to reach those expectations and goals they set.

“I should’ve listened to you, Mark,” Jackson whispers as he clutches his mobile phone, his eyes filled with tears just as Mark’s. “I’m sorry.”

Jackson has no clue how many times he’s apologised already, but he’s sure it’s not enough and there are plenty more apologies to offer. Countless promises that he won’t be reckless again.

He watches the whole showcase and then is left feeling empty, not knowing what to do. He slept almost all day, now that’s dark, he doesn’t feel even slightly sleepy, so he lies in bed, playing games, alone in his room. He sent Joon to go help everyone at the showcase and asked him to sleep at home, he didn’t need a guardian through the night. It had been hard to persuade him, but the man finally agreed and said he’d be back by morning. That’s why the idol doesn’t expect anyone when visit times are over and when it’s already so late. His heart nearly stops when the door slides open.

It’s Mark.

The older idol is in those baggy clothes he always wears, all black, cap on his head with his ears tugged in, face mask that makes it impossible to recognise him when almost no skin is visible. But Jackson does recognise him, easily. Mark’s frame, slim but elegant in the way he carries himself, with grace as if he could fly around. His posture, the round of his shoulders heavy with worry and exhaustion. But overall, Jackson’s recognises those eyes.

“Mark,” he’s calling when the other is still at the door. At the sound of his name, he sighs and steps forward, letting the door slide back shut, but not coming any closer. “It’s late, why are you here?”

“Because I can’t sleep at home,” Mark replied, taking off his face mask and shoving it in one of his pockets. “Why are you awake a this hour? You should be resting.”

“I slept almost all day, I can’t fall asleep now,” Jackson explains, wishing desperately Mark could approach. He needs the other to get closer. “You’re tired if you haven’t slept and you just had the showcase. It was great, you all did amazing, by the way.” Jackson’s smile is honest when he says that.

“You were missing, it wasn’t perfect.” Mark’s tone is dead and his eyes are getting red with unleashed tears.

“I’m sorry,” Jackson repeats, for the umpteenth time already. “I let you all down and left you alone. You still did amazing without me, as if you didn’t need me to begin with!” Jokes the idol, trying to lift the mood but it gets the contrary reaction. 

Mark gets angry, his whole body tensing and taking a threatening step forward, balling his fists at his sides, glaring at Jackson.

“Don’t you even joke about that!” Mark snaps, his voice close to a growl. “Don’t you dare to say that ever again,” he adds, and this time his voice is far more vulnerable, watery, like his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Mark. I just… I don’t want to see you so sad and worried and disappointed, _at the same time.”_

“You should’ve thought about that before overworking yourself and dragging yourself to the hospital!” Mark spits, making Jackson wince for the venom in his words.

“And angry,” Jackson adds in a whisper and sees how Mark’s infuriated, grabbing his head in his hands in exasperation.

“Of course I’m angry, Jackson. I warned you so many times, I _begged_ you but you’re in the hospital, _again!_ ” Mark takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself, closing his eyes.

Jackson knows Mark, he knows the older doesn’t get really angry to the point of shouting or fighting, he’s too laid-back for it, preferring to let things to clam down and deal with them calmly, without a hurry. The fact he’s still so angry at Jackson to the point he cannot control his own temper is because he’s truly scared and disappointed for what the younger idol did.

If Jackson were in Mark’s shoes, he’d be the same, or bailing his eyes out without being able to calm down, so he cannot really blame Mark for his attitude.

“I even threatened you, but nothing of that mattered to you, did it?” Mark speaks again, his tone reflecting his shattered heart.

Jackson's brow knits in confusion, trying to remember any threat Mark threw at him, but nothing comes to his head.

“I said if you ever ended up in the hospital for overworking yourself, I would break up with you,” Mark reminds him and Jackson feels his body freezing with dread and the memory of that conversation. “But it seems you didn’t care about that, because look at where you are and your condition.”

“No, Mark. It’s not like that! I didn’t intend that, I didn’t even remember you said that and—”

“It truly meant nothing to you when I said it, uh? You didn’t care if I broke up with you.” Mark looks so heartbroken and Jackson realises he fucked up, he shouldn’t have said that.

Desperate, he tries sitting straight on his bed, but his body is heavy and clumsy, he gets dizzy almost immediately. At least that works to make Mark forget his own emotions and focus on Jackson, rushing to his side to assist him and make him lay back again.

“Stay still! Don’t move that fast, you idiot!” Mark scolds, but treats him so gently and Jackson leans in his touch, desperate for it.

“Don’t break up with me, please, don’t,” he begs pathetically, clutching Mark’s hand with his and looking up to meet his boyfriend’s bloodshot eyes.

“You need to get some sleep if you want to recover,” Mark comments instead of answering. “I’ll go get a nurse to help you.”

Jackson feels hopeless and scared when Mark breaks the contact to go for a nurse, leaving him alone in the room.


	24. 24

      

        Days go by and things don’t improve with Mark. Things don’t get worse either, because Mark is too busy with the rest of the boys with promotions, and when Mark visits, it’s always with another of the boys so they can’t really talk about it.

In Jackson’s head, they haven’t broken up. Mark didn’t directly said they were over, it was a threat, he doesn’t need to stick to it. Jackson is repenting, he swears on his life and his parent’s lives that he will never do the same. He understands the pain and worry he caused _everyone_ , but his stupidity can’t cause him to lose his boyfriend.

Because he cannot lose Mark, he does everything the doctor tells him, he makes sure to not forget any of the indications to lead a healthy life, always keeping in mind to be extra careful unless we wants to end up in the hospital again for _stupid._

Jackson isn’t being soft with himself.

Everyone is worried and soft with him, wishing him to get well soon and take time. No one aside from Mark is yelling at him for being a giant idiot and get himself in this situation. But then again, no one has begged him as much to be careful as Mark, so he has all the right to get angry, in Jackson’s opinion.

When he’s cleared up and told to go home, Joon hyung is by his side, (obviously, the man has barely left him alone which makes Jackson write a mental note to get him something _really_ nice for him in gratitude for his loyalty and concern) and, thankfully, Mark and Jaebum.

“The doctor said I’m a good patient and that I’ll recover quickly if I keep going like this,” Jackson immediately tells Mark when he sees him in his room and, honestly, it’s like his soul is back in his body when he sees the relieved smile on the older’s face.

Leaving his rucksack (the one Joon hyung made for him and borough the day after he got hospitalised) on his bed and steps forward, towards Mark. Without asking, he just wraps his arms around the older’s slim frame, hating to feel how the other tenses for a heartbeat before returning the hug.

“That’s good,” Mark replies, patting Jackson’s back comfortingly. “Now let’s go home. I hate hospitals.”

Jackson knows it’s not like Mark _hates_ hospitals, he just hates that people he cares about have to come to the hospital.

He nods and steps back, ready to go get his rucksack but Jaebum stops him before he can even approach the bed.

“It’s okay, let your hyung help you out,” the leader offers and Jackson’s smile gratefully.

He’d like to use his free hands to hold Mark’s, but they are in a public place and cannot be seen. Furthermore, Jackson knows they are still on shaky ground. But once they are home they can talk about it more thoroughly. For now, Jackson holds back, satisfied with just walking by Mark’s side and sitting next to him in the van. At first Jaebum asks him if he’s hurting and what will happen with the ulcer he developed, the treatment and all the like. Jackson replies obediently, always making sure to reassure the people around that it won’t be a big problem in his life and that he’ll be careful from now on. Once the leader is satisfied knowing what they need to avoid and how to help, silence befalls them and Jackson feels a bit suffocated, always stealing glances at Mark, but containing himself so he won’t start a private conversation when there are people around.

When they make it back to the dorm, all the others welcome him warmly and express how much they’ve missed him, treating him carefully as if he were to break.

“I’m all right, guys. Seriously! Stop fussing about it,” he ends up snapping, feeling even more suffocated with everyone acting like overbearing mothers. “The doctor said I need more rest but I’m not invalid or anything like that.”

“You can’t join us yet?” BamBam asks although his eyes look like he knows the answer already.

“Not yet. I’m fine but I’m still very weak, treating the malnourishment and anaemia,” Jacksons answers, looking down and feeling angry with himself for ending up weak. “And I have to be careful about what I eat for even longer, until I’m fully healed. I can’t do demanding activities for the moment if I want to fully recover.”

“That’s what matters the most,” Yugyeom pipes up. “That you’re getting better, hyung. We got your back so just focus on recovering, then you can join us stronger than ever!”

Jackson truly loves Yugyeom and his positive attitude, his loyal smile and that tenderness that comes only from his youth. Jackson loves them all, to be honest. BamBam who promises to eat the same he does so he won’t feel tempted or anything. Youngjae that lifts Coco so she can lick Jackson in welcome before he hugs him and make him promise that he’ll never get sick again. Jinyoung who forgives him for not taking him to eat meat alone until he fully recovers, after that he must buy again. Jaebum who understands he is tired and needs space to talk to Mark and tells them everyone to leave Jackson alone so he can go to his room, and promises to go sleep with Jinyoung so he can sleep well tonight, but actually he’s just giving him room to talk with Mark.

Jackson adores the family that GOT7 are.

◦ ◦ ◦

Without asking, Mark follows Jackson to his room and once the door closes behind, leaving them alone, the silence becomes awkward and tense. Desperate to ease the mood, the younger turns on his heels and boldly reaches out for Mark’s hand, not looking up to meet his eyes yet but focusing on their hands. He runs his thumb over the older’s knuckles, going over what he has to say in his head.

He starts off with a question: “Did you… break up with me?”

Jackson dares to look up and meet Mark’s uncertain and troubled eyes.

“No, we haven’t yet,” answers the older and Jackson feels a pang in his heart.

“Yet,” he echoes in a painful whisper. “So you _want_ to break up.”

Mark pulls back his hand to throw them to his head, evidently worked up and frustrated.

“No, I don’t want to, of course I don’t,” he states, but his expression is so pained. “But I feel like you don’t care about yourself and like you don’t care about how I feel when something happens to you. You don’t care about what I ask you, so earnestly, to do. I’m hurt and disappointed and I feel like if I don’t stick to my word, then you’re gonna keep down that road and I _hate_ that. I hate it.”

“I won’t do it!” Jackson promises immediately, stepping forward, trying to reach Mark, but the older avoids him.

“You said the same before! You said you wouldn’t go back to the hospital, that you’d be careful. You promised!” Mark rubs in his face all his lies. “How do you expect me to believe you again about this?”

“Because now I know my limits! I overestimated myself, Mark, not you or anyone else. I thought I could do more but I failed. I know that now!”

Mark is shaking his head, clearly not believing Jackson.

“Is it going to be always like that? Pushing to your limit? As long as you don’t collapse then it’s fine?” Mark retorts but now Jackson shakes his head. He definitely didn’t mean that. “Is this your new way to torture me? Because it’s working, better than anything you did before.”

“What?” Incredulity slaps Jackson across the face because it’s impossible Mark is bringing up their past, their misunderstandings and Jackson’s horrid behaviour. “Of course not! What are you even saying.”

“Did you not think how I would feel if you got sick for overworking? How any of us would feel?” Mark asks in a whisper, his eyes teary. “No, you only care about having more wins and getting more popular, getting more fans. That’s more important for you than your health or any of us.”

“Don’t twist my actions like that!” Jackson accuses, getting angry himself. Mark is making him sound like someone he doesn’t know. “You know it’s not like that, just as much as you know I can’t slack off or anything. I gave up _so much_ for this, a future as an athlete with my family and my life in Hong Kong to pursue this. If I don’t give my all I feel like I made the wrong decision, that I threw away what I should’ve done instead. I have to give my all to this to make it worth it so no one, not even myself, with question my decision!”

Mark knows that, everyone knows that and Jackson can see Mark’s regret for accusing him of such in his eyes.

“You’re making all this about you, you, you,” Jackson accuses this time, hurt himself for Mark’s words and attitude. “I’ve been sick, beating myself up and regretting what I did because I _know_ I was bloody stupid and reckless. I know! And you have been making it all worse, making it all more difficult with your distance and hurt, which yes I understand, but couldn’t you put it aside for a while and just support me through this?” Jackson doesn’t want to whine, doesn’t want to recriminate his boyfriend, but he’s saying things he shouldn’t and he can’t stop.

It’s like going back in time, _wanting_ to hurt the other with his words without being able to stop himself.

“You’ve made me feel worse than any of what I caused myself,” finishes Jackson and his own heart breaks when he sees the immense pain he’s caused to his boyfriend, especially because he is’t lying.

“I…” Mark begins, his face paler than usual. “I’m sorry… I know I… that you needed my support and care but I… couldn’t control myself. I was just… so hurt and fucking terrified.”

Jackson sighs, knowing that so well. He himself didn’t want to recriminate Mark, but he couldn’t hold back at the end, just like Mark.

“I’m sorry, too. For putting you through this, for not listening, for causing all this. I’m sorry for being so headstrong.”

Jackson approaches Mark and this time the older doesn’t avoid his hands, instead he goes in Jackson’s arms when the younger pulls him, clinging to him. He wishes things would’ve been different, but there’s no way to change the past, they can only deal with the consequences of their actions, and he thinks they are doing that now.

“Ultimately,” Mark begins, whispering in his ear. “We always end up hurting each other, don’t we?”

Jackson doesn’t know what to say, because even if he doesn’t want to hurt Mark, he knows he can’t control it all and something will happen that will hurt them again. That’s life.

“I’m sorry,” whispers Jackson, knowing it won’t be the last time he says it.

But it seems Mark didn’t refer to that type of hurt that Jackson was thinking about, because the older pulls back, his eyes filled with tears and the most heartbreaking expressions as he steps back.

“I think we should really break up,” he whispers and for Jackson everything stops, ice covering it all as the words bounce in the walls of his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear there's gonna be a happy ending at the end!


	25. 25

        “What?” Jackson blurts out, convincing himself that he didn’t hear correctly because it doesn’t make sense.

“We should break up,” Mark repeats more certain this time, squaring his shoulders and blinking the tears away. “We hurt each other, we attack each other. Didn’t you see us just doing that? Things got difficult and it was like it was before, snarling at each other, aiming to hurt, attacking our weaknesses. Did we really left that dynamic behind? Just because we were in our honeymoon stage?”

Jackson blinks because he really didn’t see what happened like that, but then it might be because before it was him the one _attacking_ and Mark the one _defending_ himself _._ Mark might see their argument in a light Jackson just can’t understand for that reason.

“No,” Jackson states. “It’s not the same as it was before, Mark, and you know it. I didn’t want to hurt you, it happened, it escaped my control. I’m not perfect, I might hurt you in the future again, but it’ll never be _intentionally_ ever again.”

“I didn’t support you! I made it all worse and I made it all about myself, ignoring you were the one sick.” The resentment Jackson hears in Mark’s voice isn’t directed to him, and he knows it, it’s all aimed to Mark, and it hurts Jackson deeper. “I’m ashamed I acted that way. What kind of boyfriend does that?!”

“You were hurt!” Jackson raises his voice, trying to stop Mark from hating himself.

His head is hurting, badly. It feels like they are going in circles, their accusations and aches bouncing from one another like a tennis ball. The argument is draining him, but if he says anything about it, Mark will blame himself for still arguing when Jackson needs rest, and there’s no way in hell Jackson will rest until this argument is over.

“Mark, please,” Jackson begs, tired and needing his boyfriend, so he steps forward, once again reaching for Mark. “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, and you need to know I didn’t mean to hurt you. Things escape our control and that’s _normal._ ” Jackson closes his eyes and takes deep breathes, feeling more and more exhausted with every word that leaves his mouth.

“Gaga?” Mark asks, an urgency in his voice that makes Jackson open his eyes. “Are you okay? You got really pale and look…”

“I’m tired, it’s all,” Jackson answers, trying a smile that feels too lazy.

“I shouldn’t keep you standing when you just got discharged,” Mark chastises himself, leading Jackson to the bed, carefully so the boy can rest. “Do you need anything?”

“Stay with me,” Jackson requests, not letting go of Mark’s hand.

He can see the reluctance in the other’s face, their argument isn’t over and it feels like they are walking over thin ice still. 

Jackson’s expression must be enough to persuade Mark because the older sighs and gets in bed with him. He immediately cuddles up to Mark because that’s what he’s needs the most. His boyfriend sighs but welcomes him in his arms, as Jackson sets his ear over Mark’s chest, listening to his heartbeats.

“I don’t want to break up,” Jackson states softly, eyes closed and arm firmly wrapped around Mark’s torso.

“I don’t like hurting you and I hate fighting,” Mark replies equally soft. “It reminds me of the past, how we only fought. All this time it’s felt like that, like we stepped back in time and all we can do is _fighting”_

“But it’s not the same,” Jackson points out. “Even if we fight, it’s not the same. Our feelings are not the same, we don’t mean to hurt the other.”

“My feelings were the same back then, Jackson,” Mark reminds Jackson. “I loved you then when you hated me.”

Jackson tends to forget that, distracted by his own feelings and his love for Mark. He forgets that while he resented and mistreated Mark, the older already loved him and had to bear all that. 

“I felt the same anxiety I feel now,” Mark continues. “Feeling hurt by you feels so much like being attacked. I can’t help it, I immediately feel like you’re intentionally trying to hurt me because you hate me.”

“But I don’t,” insists Jackson, hugging Mark a bit tighter and understanding a bit better, realising there’s a trauma he caused and he hadn’t even considered until then. “Even then I was just… confused. I know it’s not excuse, but Mark, I never truly hated you, most definitely not now. I _love_ you.”

“I know,” Mark sighs deeply. “Logically I know, but I don’t feel logically.”

Jackson sighs, too, wondering how to help Mark, how to fix the problem. There’s a scar in Mark that still hurts, and he cannot leave it like that.

“I don’t like going back to that defensive mechanism and leaving you alone, but how do I control that? Look what I just did to you! I’m afraid of what I might do in the future.”

With every sentence, Jackson realises it’s more complicated than he thought. He didn’t just disappoint Mark with being reckless; it goes way beyond that, it started way before that.

“It’s okay,” Jackson whispers but Mark tenses and he knows the older will refute him and insists it isn’t okay, so Jackson speaks before Mark does. “The way I treated you made you feel like that, so it’s my fault. Had I been a better person or more honest with myself, nothing of this would’ve happened. I made a big mistake back then, so now I have to deal with the consequences of my actions.”

“So you’ll endure every time I hurt you because of this?” Mark asks, his voice shaky and clearly disapproving. 

“Yes, because I know it won’t be always like that,” replies Jackson. “With time, things will get better. I can’t promise we won’t fight again because all couples fight, but I can promise we’ll talk it through and make up. And I’ll remind you our fights aren’t because I don’t care about you, but because I care so much.”

“This fight wasn’t because you care too much,” Mark points out and Jackson rolls his eyes.

“Or because I’m stupid and I don’t listen. No need to be so precise, Mark,” Jackson says, poking Mark’s side gently. “You’ll have your time for your stupidity to shine in the future, I’m sure. I might think you’re perfect, but you’re not. You’re gonna fuck up, too.”

Mark chuckles, finally, and Jackson feels so relieved, like finally things are going in the right direction.

“I wish we could promise to never fight,” Mark whispers wishfully.

“But then we’ll fight for breaking that promise. It’s just not realistic.” Mark nods to that, humming softly. “The important part isn’t not fighting, but making up and overcoming the problem.”

“That sounds really mature.”

“I have my moments,” Jackson jokes, once again making Mark chuckle and relax. He smiles broadly, feeling warmer, finally.

“Do you forgive me for being a self-centred ass?” Mark asks and Jackson’s smile widens.

“If you forgive me for being a stubborn ass,” the younger deals, looking up to meet his boyfriend’s eyes, still hugging him tight.

“Promise me you’ll be more careful from now on,” requests the older boy.

“I will,” Jackson declares solemnly. “I learned my lesson and I really don’t want to go back to the hospital in a long, long time. Plus, if I ever get stupid again I’m sure Joon hyung is gonna tie me to a chair to stop me or something. Maybe a tranquilliser for elephants. He can be extreme at times.”

Mark is laughing at loud at that, high pitched and delightful and Jackson feels like all the pieces are back in place

“But really, I realised my mistake and how hypocritical I was. I always nag everyone about their health but I didn’t follow my own advice.” Mark nods in agreement. “Now I’ll nag people by being the example.”

“The point is nagging,” Mark comments and now Jackson is laughing, high pitched and delighted.

“Precisely,” he agrees, throwing his leg over Mark to wrap himself around his boyfriend. “We good now? You aren’t breaking up with me anymore?”

Mark smiles, wrapping his arms tighter and resting his head closer to him.

“No breaking up anymore,” Mark confirms.

“Yay~” the younger cheers in a falsetto that actually hurts their ears.

“I love you so much,” confesses Mark in a voice that only carries truth and devotion.

“Me too, I love you so much, like I'm sure I’m catching up with how much you’ve loved me even from before I realised I loved you. I’m good at this,” he babbles, enjoying so much Mark’s giggles.

“Nah, no way you’ll ever catch up. Give up.”

“Never!” Declares Jackson dramatically, rolling to straddle Mark against the mattress, keeping the smile but feeling his heart leap when he sees Mark’s own smile and the look in his eyes. There’s vulnerability, still some fear, but there’s also hope and amusement, and over all, there’s love. So much love.

Overcome with their feelings, Jackson lowers his body until he’s kissing Mark with all the devotion and love he deserves, with the tender promise that he truly loves him and he won’t even attack him again.

When they break the kiss, is only to keep cuddling in bed, Mark carding his fingers in Jackson’s hair, providing tender caresses to help the other sleep without the need for medication (like it happened in the hospital). With Mark Jackson feels relaxed, at easy and so warm that it’s easy to fall asleep, especially now that their problem is solved and they have overcome an important barrier for their relationship. The first bump of many that are yet to come, but he feels more prepared for it,  knowing he won’t let those trials separate them. As long as he holds on to Mark and their love, Jackson is sure they can overcome whatever comes.

_Come at me_ , Jackson thinks. _I won't give up on us._

As an afterthought, as he relaxes even more in his boyfriend’s arms, with his scent as familiar as the body he’s curling up to, Jackson adds: _but take your time, no rush for any hardship._

Jackson falls asleep with a smile that is an exact reflection of Mark’s: happy and in love.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised a happy ending, didn't I? My cute babies… anyhow, thank you to everyone who read this story and for being so patient with the irregular updates. If you'd like an epilogue, let me know on the comments or twitter @MonirenBelen or @BelWatson
> 
> Also, I'm working on my new project, which is a JJP fan fiction. I'm writing in advance and maybe I'll post it here, if anyone is interested, do let me know.
> 
> That's it. Thank you and see you soon~


	26. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been so busy lately! Just now I have time to open my laptop and post this. All good things, though. I went to SEVENTEEN's concert here in Chile! My SoonWoo OTP grew stronger! It was great, I'm all sore but happy.
> 
> I haven't been able to write more for my JJP fic, so far only 7 chapters and I want to start posting it once I have over 15 chapters done. It seems like it's going to be a longer story as it's more detailed and AU. I'm glad some of you are already excited about it! Thank you a lot.
> 
> Without further ado, please enjoy the epilogue and once again, thank you for reading it!

_Five months later…_

 

       The past five months have been hectic for everyone, without exception. Jackson misses most of the promotions from their latest comeback, but he really focused on getting better and has been leading a better life since then, taking things carefully and without overwhelming himself or anyone else.

Their leader and Jinyoung came back as JJ Project after five years and everyone supported them with all they had. Jackson released a single that’s done marvellous and has made him feel so proud for making his own music. Granted, it was a song for _Pepsi_ , the brand he endorses, but it gives him such sense of accomplishment nonetheless. He’s working hard to build up his own studio, Wang Team, to expand his work to China properly. He’s even about to release his first proper single, with music video and everything. He was just waiting for JJ Project promotions to be over. And after that, they’ll be coming back as GOT7.

It’s felt so long since they were together, the seven of them. BamBam has been busy in Thailand. Youngjae went to USA to work with another artist he deeply admires. Yugyeom also dropped another , unofficial, single. And Mark, his beautiful Mark, has been doing so many photoshoots and interviews lately.

Jackson collects all his magazines and he’s not ashamed to boast about his handsome boyfriend and how he’s getting recognised for his hard work and amazing visuals.

Finally, they are together the seven of them again and travelling to USA for Kcon LA. Once again, the seven of them will stand on a stage together and Jackson is buzzing with excitement. Moreover, he and Mark will be doing some MC work so that’s great.

On their flight to LA, and because Jackson has spent a lot of time working, he makes sure to sit by Mark’s side to be gross together. And by gross he means stupidly in love as they are.

After that time he got really sick before promotions, things have gone quite well. They argue sometimes, but nothing that could become a threat to their relationship, just normal arguing because they are moody or just tired. Like when Mark got angry because Jackson wasn’t wearing his ring. His nagging was nothing but his own insecurities and how much he missed Jackson, and the younger understood that, later, at first he rolled his eyes and Made Mark more annoyed.

Just silly, small and petty fights.

Yet those small fights work to make them get used to their arguments and learn that they can’t be blinded with the idea of not fighting or hurting each other. Slowly, Mark starts to see the difference between before and now, and that’s what matters the most.

That aside, they are even more in love than before and the fact that Youngjae moved out means Mark doesn’t room with anyone (they made more arrangements and the only two sharing are Yugyeom and BamBam) so Jackson crashes at Mark’s room when he’s in Korea, just to be close and talk till late, catching up in cuddles and information.

Honestly, Jackson is really happy and content with his life. He feels as a band they are doing great, individually as well, and his relationship is healthy and the most grounding and important thing for his mental health.

Jackson is so ready for their comeback.

And with a comeback, new looks come, as well. Haircuts and hair colours. Mark now sports a dark red and he looks irresistible. When Jackson first saw him he was shocked and then immediately had his mind filled with all sort of lustful and sinful thoughts he had to repress because they were in public. Instead, he touched his hair and took like a gazillion pictures because Mark looked just so handsome, especially when he blushed because Jackson was overreacting and his cheeks matched his hair and it was just so cute.

If fans knew just how many pictures of Mark Jackson has on his mobile phone… 

Even now, on a plane, Jackson gets extremely distracted with Mark by his side, how handsome he looks and just the fact he’s there. Even with the separations between their seats, Jackson manages to touch Mark or get in his space. He takes Mark’s hat off just to play with the older’s hair and although Mark fusses at first, he ends up relaxing and just letting Jackson do what he wants, which is being all over Mark.

“Do you like my new hair that much?” Mark asks, sleepily because Jackson keeps carding his fingers though the older’s hair.

“Oh, very, very much, You look so handsome,” answers Jackson casually, wondering if he can plait Mark’s hair, but he doesn’t have the skills to do so. “But then again, you always look handsome no matter you put on you. Like if you wear a rubbish bag, you’d look handsome.”

“Also very translucent, which you’d like even more, wouldn’t you?” Mark teases but not with much heart, too sleepy and relaxed for it.

“Oh, definitely. I do think you look the most handsome with nothing at all, but that’s something only I have the privilege to see and I’m not sharing,” Jackson admits easily.

They’ve been together for around eight months, obviously they’ve gotten pretty intimate when they are alone and without anyone to disturb or permanently traumatise. Jackson has studied every inch of Mark’s body, worshipped him and loved him thoroughly, and vice versa.

“Sharing is caring, haven’t you heard?” Mark continues in that light and teasing tone, turning his head just a bit to meet Jackson’s eyes and show him how amused he is with their conversation.

“I don’t care about the rest. No one else is seeing my boyfriend like that,” states the younger without preamble, trying to look as stern as he can.

Mark burst out laughing, high pitched and adorable in that way that makes Jackson smile so widely his cheeks hurt. 

“I mean, I don’t even take pictures of you too revealing 'cos I’m scared someone might hack my phone and find those. I don’t care about the scandal, I care about people seeing you like that.” Mark continues laughing. “See? I’m very thorough with everything.”

“Yes, yes, you are,” Mark concedes with a soft smile, moving so he can rest his head on Jackson’s shoulder. 

With his hands free from Mark’s mane, he has no other option but holding hands, and as they do, Mark starts playing with the bracelet on his hand, the same he’s sporting as well. Just a chrome bracelet, nothing too meaningful, but it still feels nice wearing a matching item at the same time.

“I have creepy photos of you,” Mark confesses and Jackson tenses, his mind panicking wondering what kind of pictures and Mark knows he’s doing that because he laughs. “Not that kind of creepy, you pervert. Photos of you sleeping, mostly,” explains the older and Jackson visually relaxes. “When I wake up before you do, I can’t help staring. You look so peaceful and innocent in a way it makes me want to shield you from anything. Plus, I know you’re resting after a long day so I really, really enjoy when you sleep. I like it better when you sleep next to me, but when you’re not, I have those pictures to remind me you’re resting somewhere else.”

Jackson is honestly more careful now, he takes better care of his health and he understands Mark’s apprehension. He nags his boyfriend when he thinks the older is too thin and asks him if he’s eating enough, and whether he makes sure the ingredients are organic because all those toxins in his body are not good. Mark always laughs and says he’s eating _loads_ , but he’s also working loads so he burns it all.

And his damn super fast metabolism Jackson will always be envious of.

“My favourite picture is when you were sleeping and I wrote ‘Mark’s’ on your forehead,” Mark confesses, giggling, and Jackson remembers that morning when he woke up and by the time he went to the bathroom and saw himself, he yelled at everyone because they had all seen Mark’s handiwork and no one had said anything. Those traitors. But it was worth it, Mark laughed so happily, bouncing everywhere in delight.

“And then you say I'm possessive,” Jackson mumbles but Mark feels nor shame or remorse.  “Seriously, what did I get myself into?”

“Your happiest relationship? With someone who adores you?” Mark suggests, the sappy bastard, making Jackson’s inside melt.

“You’re so sappy,” Jackson tries to look unaffected and cold, but it’s hard when Mark snuggles close, kissing his shoulder and doing _aegyo_.

“You love me like this,” Mark says and Jackson loses the battle.

“Damn right, I love you so much,” Jackson calls defeat, turning his head to press a kiss on Mark’s head, that gorgeous red hair.

“I love you too, _Gaga_ ,” Mark replies, lifting his head and puckering his lips. Jackson grins before leaning in for that kiss the older is asking.

Jackson pulls back and then just leans his head on Mark’s as they keep holding hands flying over the Pacific Ocean. He smiles so content with his life, the most exciting and domestic parts of it. And what makes him the happiest is that he knows he’s making Mark feel the same way every day. They make each other happy and it’s such a blessing.

With fondness, he looks back in time thinking how much things have changed between them, and he guesses it’ll keep changing as they grow together, because life is like that, ever changing; what matters is that they change for the best, always improving, always moving forward.

Jackson is confident that’s the road they are taking.

**The End**


End file.
